On Boxing Day, December 26th 2004, DH and I were staying with friends in Maryland. I was newly pregnant, very excited, and we'd just had a wonderful American Christmas Day. I woke on Boxing Day to find blood - and our friends took us to the nearest hospital. They did a scan and couldn't find anything in my uterus. They diagnosed an ectopic pregnancy and our holiday turned into a round of blood tests, scans and finally shots of methotrexate to dissolve the pregnancy. We had to stay in the US an extra week as I wasn't allowed to fly until my blood levels came down - too much risk of an ectopic rupture in mid flight. Despite the sadness, I have some very happy memories of that vacation. What I also remember is my innocence at that point - I had no idea of my infertility problems, and the three years since then of trying, failing, surgeries and IVF have all taken their toll.
This December, I find myself having to wait for a miscarriage. It won't be a shock when it happens, because I've been told and I understand (intellectually anyway) that it is inevitable. Of course, there is a small part of me that just hopes the doctors are wrong. My body still tells me I am pregnant - tired, sore breasts, a wee bit nauseous. And in a cruel trick of biology, I will continue to feel pregnant until my HCG levels start to decline. As of Friday they were still climbing, but climbing far too slowly.
Emotionally - I feel numb. If I speak with anyone, or read a comment, or a text message, I cry. But the rest of the time I am just numb. I find myself hoping that I won't miscarry until after Tuesday's scheduled scan - I really want to see something inside me. Maybe a blighted ovum? Or an implantation too low in the uterus for survival? But you understand - if I can actually see it and maybe get an answer then I might know what to do next. I mean, we got pregnant! Yes, it looks as though it will end in tears, but I am not supposed to be able to get pregnant. Thinking about trying again hurts right now - while I am still carrying this embryo. It seems premature to be thinking about next time when this time isn't even over yet.
Intellectually I know that 30%, possibly more, of pregnancies result in miscarriage. Emotionally I have no idea how I am going to handle being the unlucky one yet again. It seems so unfair. I know I am blessed in so many ways, I know that I have a life that others would like...a wonderful husband, much loved pets, lovely family and friends, a wonderful job, a house I love. But it hurts so much when the one thing in life I really want, I really believe I was made for, seems to keep eluding me.
I think I will keep on hoping. I'll do tomorrow's blood test just to see what the numbers are. I'll do the scan on Tuesday just in case there is anything to see that might help. And I will wait. I've done some reading and it can be at any time up to a month, even more. That scares me, but all I can do is take one day at a time.