It's Over

Our wee fighter made it to 7wks, 5 days. I was feeling very tired and a bit crampy all day yesterday, and during the night I miscarried. It started around 8pm with the main loss around 3.30am. Such a mix of emotion - sadness obviously, but also a certain relief that it didn't drag on for weeks and weeks. Physically the loss has been fairly easy - some cramping and pain but nothing unmanageable. Emotionally, it's a different story. However, being prepared has helped and while we are sad, we are also aware that there was something not right with the pregnancy, and it's better to lose it at this early stage rather than later.

Thank you all for your love and support, kind comments, texts and emails. It's been a bumpy road...and the only positive we can take from it is that we actually were able to get pregnant once, so possibly it may happen again.

Thanks again.
Happy Christmas.

Chat with my Doctor

I really like my doctor - she is very kind, and very straight up. She says it like it is. She was encouraged (and slightly surprised) that the baby has grown, but still has doubts due to the low HCG levels and low heart beat. So...we talked around various scenarios. She is going to be on leave for a month (!!!) over Christmas and New Years, so has given me the details of the doctor filling in for her, and will clue him in.

The basic upshot is that if I am still pregnant in two weeks we will do another scan then. She wants to take me off the close monitoring at this stage as right now it serves no purpose other than confirming that I am still pregnant, and that there are concerns. There is also some concern about too many ultrasounds in the first trimester, so it's not wise to keep doing them weekly.

So, assuming I don't miscarry between now and my nine week date, I will have another scan then. And depending on that scan's results, I will then be passed over to a specialist. I'll have one blood test each week just to keep an eye on the levels - I can't say I will miss the three times a week tests!

We also talked about what to do if I do miscarry - what signs will point to the need to go to the emergency department at the hospital, and what can just happen naturally at home. So, I am prepared for that eventuality, but hope it doesn't happen of course.

So, the basic prescription for the next two weeks is light duties, to take it easy as much as I can, to rest and relax and generally take care of myself. And wait and see - which seems to be the story of my life right now.

Emotionally I am ok. I have a few tears from time to time but am trying to be philosophical and accept that there is nothing I can do to change the outcome of this pregnancy. I feel attached to my wee blip, but it's all up to him/her at this point. I hope he or she hangs on in there.

Wait and See...Again

Not a very comfortable scan today - mainly due to a bout of gastro yesterday which left me 2 kgs lighter...so a very tender tummy.

And, no good news. The baby's heart beat has increased to 90-95 beats per minute (should be 140) and while it has grown, it is still behind, measuring 6 wks, 3 days - I am 7 wks 1 day today.

It's tough. Being pregnant, and yet knowing that the chances are this is not a viable pregnancy. I can't help but hope, but every scan seems to confirm that.

I haven't heard from my doctor yet, but I assume we will continue with the blood tests (I missed yesterday's as I was so sick) and then schedule a scan in a week or so, or just after Christmas.

Some Light Relief

Hubby and I last night - all green and ready for my work party. A fun night - though as we were both rather sober we got tired a little more quickly than everyone else! Two showers later and I am still slightly green! The theme was "Oscars" and we even had a paparazzi crowd to scream at us as we walked up the red carpet. Some great costumes and a lot of very glamorous women (myself excluded) who would not have looked amiss in the real Hollywood!

We were home by 12.30, unlike someone who will remain nameless (Kiri!) who got back to our place just before 5am this morning. And then made sure we knew she was home! I'll forgive her tho as she bought me a McDonald's BLT on her way to work. Reminder to self - do not let Kiri stay next year!

Today's number is up again. From 4288 on Wednesday to 4493 today. So, a slight climb, but all I can think is that at least it is going in the right direction. We are booked in for a scan next Tuesday afternoon. Prayers and thoughts would be much appreciated.

We have some old friends coming to stay this weekend - and they are bringing with them our godson, Harrison. I can't wait. I am so tired, but it will be so neat to finally meet him (he's about five months old) and get some cuddles in.

Midnight Worry

Woke up with a start at midnight - a strong painful cramp in my belly. Laid there for a moment till it passed - checked in the bathroom and a very small show of blood. I spent the night up in the spare room so I could be near the other bathroom if needed and so Rupes could get some sleep (our bathroom in our bedroom is a wee cupboard beside the bed, with a noisy sliding door - so no way of sneaking in there!)

I thought about how much I want this baby. And how I hope, against everything that is against us, that it is going to hang in there. I even laid my hand on my tummy and talked to him/her. I said that if you really have to leave, it's ok, but if you can possibly stay around that would be wonderful.

Surprisingly, I slept well. A small staining when I got up, but nothing now. I feel calm. There is nothing I can do to change the outcome of this, so I am working on acceptance.

Today's Beta

Blood tests are so fun. Really. I'd have one every two days for the next seven and a half months if it was necessary. Today, however, was rather warm and I was dizzy before I got there. A bit of poking to get into the vein and that was it...black out time. I came right after an hour or so, but it was all a bit much today!

Todays number was 4288. I'm taking some comfort that the rate of increase has increased, if you know what I mean. Still not doubling, but I figure there's something going on. Right now, I'll take whatever good signs I can get. I'm really aware for all my excitement that there are three very strong strikes against us - the slow heartbeat, the measuring behind, and the strange HCG results. I don't know what any of that means, so for now I am just going to patiently (ha) wait and see. Next scan is a week from today.

I'm going to take a moment to record all my numbers - for posterity, and future research purposes! Feel free to ignore the following:

4 weeks
Mon 26 Nov 168
Wed 28 Nov 458
Fri 30 Nov 1014

5 weeks
Mon 3 Dec 2430
Wed 5 Dec 3046
Fri 7 Dec 3234

6 weeks
Mon 10 Dec 3599
Wed 12 Dec 4288

See? They are going up!

Right, hubby is off sailing tonight, so I am being a chores girl and getting the house tidy - we have my work Xmas party tomorrow night, so am intending an early night to store up some sleep hours.

The Roller Coaster Continues

Last night my doctor called me - my HCG on Friday was 3234, and Monday's test result was 3599. Definately not doubling. Not even close. We talked about the strong possibility that it was a "blighted ovum" where a placenta grows with nothing inside it. We talked about whether I should wait to miscarry naturally, or have a D and C. I cried a little after that call, but mainly just felt resigned.

Hubby picked me up and we went for our scan - I explained to the radiologist that we were looking at a blighted ovum scenario and all I really wanted to know was that the sac was in the right place in the uterus so there would be hope going forward that we could conceive again. The external scan showed a pregnancy scan, and we waited for her to tell us it was empty. She then did the internal scan, looked at us, and said "you guys have been through so much, I hate to make you wait anymore, but I am seeing a heartbeat and a yolk sac". Well. I just cried. Relief, fear, worry, confusion.

BUT the sac is measuring slightly behind at 5wks 4 days (today is 6wks 1 day) and the heartbeat is apparently a little slow too at 80 bpm. So, there is still cause for concern, and we are not out of the woods by a long shot. I have to say though, it was really special to see the heartbeat. That's never happened to us before!

So. We wait, I continue with my blood tests three times a week, and we book in for another scan in a week to ten days. I'm so tired and just stressed out, I have taken the afternoon off work and once this is posted I plan on a long afternoon snooze.

Waiting for a Miscarriage

On Boxing Day, December 26th 2004, DH and I were staying with friends in Maryland. I was newly pregnant, very excited, and we'd just had a wonderful American Christmas Day. I woke on Boxing Day to find blood - and our friends took us to the nearest hospital. They did a scan and couldn't find anything in my uterus. They diagnosed an ectopic pregnancy and our holiday turned into a round of blood tests, scans and finally shots of methotrexate to dissolve the pregnancy. We had to stay in the US an extra week as I wasn't allowed to fly until my blood levels came down - too much risk of an ectopic rupture in mid flight. Despite the sadness, I have some very happy memories of that vacation. What I also remember is my innocence at that point - I had no idea of my infertility problems, and the three years since then of trying, failing, surgeries and IVF have all taken their toll.

This December, I find myself having to wait for a miscarriage. It won't be a shock when it happens, because I've been told and I understand (intellectually anyway) that it is inevitable. Of course, there is a small part of me that just hopes the doctors are wrong. My body still tells me I am pregnant - tired, sore breasts, a wee bit nauseous. And in a cruel trick of biology, I will continue to feel pregnant until my HCG levels start to decline. As of Friday they were still climbing, but climbing far too slowly.

Emotionally - I feel numb. If I speak with anyone, or read a comment, or a text message, I cry. But the rest of the time I am just numb. I find myself hoping that I won't miscarry until after Tuesday's scheduled scan - I really want to see something inside me. Maybe a blighted ovum? Or an implantation too low in the uterus for survival? But you understand - if I can actually see it and maybe get an answer then I might know what to do next. I mean, we got pregnant! Yes, it looks as though it will end in tears, but I am not supposed to be able to get pregnant. Thinking about trying again hurts right now - while I am still carrying this embryo. It seems premature to be thinking about next time when this time isn't even over yet.

Intellectually I know that 30%, possibly more, of pregnancies result in miscarriage. Emotionally I have no idea how I am going to handle being the unlucky one yet again. It seems so unfair. I know I am blessed in so many ways, I know that I have a life that others would like...a wonderful husband, much loved pets, lovely family and friends, a wonderful job, a house I love. But it hurts so much when the one thing in life I really want, I really believe I was made for, seems to keep eluding me.

I think I will keep on hoping. I'll do tomorrow's blood test just to see what the numbers are. I'll do the scan on Tuesday just in case there is anything to see that might help. And I will wait. I've done some reading and it can be at any time up to a month, even more. That scares me, but all I can do is take one day at a time.

Numbers too low

Today's beta came back and the numbers have only increased slightly. The nurse now believes the baby has stopped growing, and I will miscarry at some point. We're devastated. I know we will handle it, but right now it seems too hard.

It's hard not to worry...

Monday's HCG - 2430
Wednesday's HCG - 3046

So, it's gone up, but it definately hasn't doubled. I've done some googling and posting to the girls at alt.infertility and found that HCG levels can slow down, or level off a bit. At this stage, I'm just trying not to worry and trying to take comfort in the fact that it went up at all - remembering that Monday's test was 72 hours rather than 48.

I took Katie to the park (in the rain) and kicked the ball around for her. I asked myself if I regretted telling anyone about this pregnancy at this early stage, given that so much can go wrong. I decided that even if this pregnancy goes no further, I am still joyful about the miracle that I am pregnant at all, and I am gonna damn well enjoy it! And take comfort in the fact that my boobs still hurt, I still feel unwell, and for all intents and purposes I still feel pregnant.

Next blood test on Friday. Hoping. Praying. Wishing. I'm not giving up!

5 Weeks Today

Todays HCG number was 2430 - another good number, and right on target. It's starting to feel a little more real - DH was messaging me today about our laundry and getting it fixed up so that "when baby comes" it will be a little easier for us. I got so choked up about "baby coming" that I don't think I cared too much about the laundry or the dishwasher!

I've noticed my jeans aren't quite so comfy anymore! Definately an expanding tummy - unfortunately because of the previous surgeries my tummy is a bit tender when pressed against a waistband, so unless I can find some "jeans extenders" I'll be living in skirts and track pants! I popped into a maternity shop at lunchtime today - just to have a wee look at what is available, but it all felt a bit too soon, like tempting fate, so I left quickly!

Two more blood tests this week, and then (fingers crossed) a scan next week to show us where we are at. I'm excited/nervous about that.