First class...

Before I talk about the first class - my gestational diabetes test was fine - so no worries there! And (fingers crossed) my rash seems to be fading a little...

So, I'm blonde right? And pregnant? And yes, I turned up to the Tuesday night class - instead of the Thursday night one I was supposed to attend. They swapped me over, so no problem and I'd rather go on Tuesday anyway as Thursday is deep aqua class.

It was kinda fun - a few "getting to know you" games, met some other folks from around where I live. I think I am the oldest there - and the only one without a partner. Rupes will be home for the next one at least! And then we dived straight in to talk about what happens if baby arrives when you are alone, or just alone with your partner. Once they had freaked us all out, we talked about pelvic rocking and optimal positions to sit so baby gets into the right position around 36 weeks. Interesting stuff, and I learnt a few things I didn't know, so I think the class will be worthwhile.

It was fun checking out the various baby bumps too - we are all due in January or February, and some ladies looked HUGE while others barely looked pregnant. All shapes and sizes, so it was fun to see 15 or so pregnant women in the same room.

The rest of the week is going to be busy - movie night tonight with one of our offices, then aqua tomorrow night, then a pot luck dinner with friends on Friday night. I'm looking forward to a quiet weekend before Rupert gets home on Monday! Muzz did great at the New York Marathon and finished in just over 4 hours 30 minutes so that was very cool, so he is now being tourist in NY and then heading to Washington.

That's about it for me - I have some appointments to book for next week - 30 week scan and back to the naturopath for my last trimester's herbal supplements. Our wee girl seems to be doing well from the kicking and the heartbeat monitor but it's always reassuring to see her on a scan, so that's something to look forward to.

Bachelorette...for a while anyhow!

We had a good weekend away, though it was nice to come home to the dogs and cats! Being a short week it was pretty busy at the office, and then having to fit in a blood test for my rash (no idea what it is, but hopefully they will find out soon) and then a yucky drink and blood test for my diabetes test - cross your fingers on that one please! I managed two aqua classes which were good, I am finding those the best way to exercise right now, and they do help a little with the insomnia which has been tough this week.

Rupert has gone to the UK for just over a week and I am missing him already, and Murray has headed off to New York to run the marathon for his 50th year, so I am solo mum to two dogs, four cats, two fish and an evergrowing baby bump. She's been very active, lots of jumping around and kicking, particularly at night. While the boys are away I am taking it easy though I do have to work over this weekend on month end. I've just sat down and written all my thank you cards from the baby shower - I just love going into the nursery and looking at all the cute wee things! I ordered the cutest drawer knobs - little bumble bees with pink wings, they will look sweet :-)

So, will report back when I have the results from the tests, and on Tuesday I have my first ante natal class so that will be interesting! So, 28 weeks is here, and it feels like the end of the pregnancy is almost in sight - but that will be start of a whole new adventure!

TGIF!!!

Friday! And a long weekend here in NZ - we are heading up to stay with my Mum at the beach. A couple of days of rest and relaxation, just what the doctor ordered. And Mum gets to check out my baby bump!

Speaking of the doctor, had my check up on Wednesday and all is good. Interestingly, they told me that they wouldn't get me go past 38/39 weeks due to my age - so that will bring the due date back to mid January. I am so not complaining! Things will start to get busy now with appointments - blood test next week for 28 weeks, including the dreaded glucose test for gestational diabetes - very much hoping to pass that one. Then a scan at 30 weeks and again at 32, plus obstetrician appointments every 2 weeks. Oh and fitting in a visit to the naturopath, and then from 35 weeks weekly appointments with the midwife and obstetrician. Gah! I am going to need to go down to part time work just to fit it all in - that will happen in November.

Mostly I am feeling well. Reflux is definately my major problem, and mylanta helps. I've had a few very disturbed nights with reflux, a sore hip and aching leg and baby kicking, so last night wore myself out at aqua class and slept through the whole night. Bliss! Walking seems to aggravate the pain in my thigh from baby sitting on a certain nerve - after a walk it feels like my thigh is on fire. Very painful! The rash is still there, but seems to be fading - apparently I have to have another blood test next week for that as well. I guess all those IVF blood tests are good training for this!

BUT isn't it wonderful? Six months today, 27 weeks tomorrow. Baby is around 35cms from head to toe, and her heart beat is strong and sound. She is active and wiggly and certainly lets her Mum know she is there! I even felt her head and foot at my doctors appointment! So, a few physical aches and pains are NOTHING compared to how excited I am :-) She even gave her Daddy a really good strong kick the other night. Wait till I show her how to tickle him when she is big enough!

Ready to drive home...

Yes my car is a station wagon! And yes - it was completely full!

To all those from C and C who may be reading this - thank you SO much! I may not have mentioned you by name, but you are all on the roster for babysitting duties! I'll miss seeing you every day, but I'll still be around.

For the rest of you - milestones coming up are another doc's appointment tomorrow, six month milestone on Friday (whoop whoop) and then a quiet weekend with hubby at my Mum's place.

Some of the team

Packing up the car!

To my left holding the pink balloon is Aasta - her new career definately needs to be party planner, she is wasted on accounts!

More baby shower!

Just one of the many beautiful gifts!

The baby shower!!

I work for a wonderful company. In the five and a half years I have been with them I have made so many good friends and shared some really fun - and sad - times. I have an awesome boss who has been so supportive over the years, as well as worked my butt off! My co worker and good friend, Aasta (aka as mini-me) organised the most beautiful baby shower. I was sooo nervous! Especially as one by one folks left the office for appointments - with little grins on their faces!

Soon it was time to follow my replacement, Victoria, to the secret location - a lovely venue at the squash club overlooking the lake. Decorated beautifully (in pink of course) with a gorgeous afternoon tea and all of those who could make it from our various offices. And was I spoiled? Oh yes! This wee girl is going to be the best dressed bub this side of LA - and what was lovely was not only the clothes, but the practical gear as well - teething rings, a baby sling, oh all sorts! The presents just didn't stop coming.

My boss Martin (honorary female for the afternoon) was there too, and he and his lovely partner Kim gave me the most gorgeous cot quilt, sheet and bumper set. There were so many beautiful gifts I would hate to single any out - suffice to say that my car was full of balloons and presents for the drive home. I even managed not to cry (too much) and am looking forward to some quiet time in the nursery sorting and finding homes for all the wee things. And Annette organised games (use a ribbon to guess my waistline was rather interesting as most were way bigger than I am really). And the vouchers from one of the offices for mamma massages couldn't have come at a better time!

So, all in all, I was extremely spoilt - will post some more photos so you can get an idea of just how special everyone made me feel :-)

Baby's room

Yesterday after taking the dogs to Wag n Walk (lots of fun, dogs are still recovering) we fit in a visit to the furniture store. We bought the chest of drawers and bookcase - they match, the colour is just a bit strange in the room! I'd already got the change table in white as well, and the cot is whitewashed, so right now the room looks a bit neutral! Planning on a bright rug, some wall art (maybe her name in big pink letters) and once we have sheets etc on the cot and a foam pad on the change table it should be good. The chest of drawers has one wee stretch and grow in it, plus some blankets and sheets I was given, so I need to start thinking about what else I need. Months yet though right?

Must admit to a few tears - setting up the bookshelf especially. The teddy bear on the top right hand side is mine from when I was 6 years old and we stopped in Sydney on the way to New Zealand. 37 years later I finally get to give it to my daughter. Same with the books - they were ones I loved as a girl, and I've always wanted to be able to share them. I know it will be a while before she will be reading them herself, but I read and talk to her now and I don't think it really matters what the material is :-)

Yesterday we also visited the hospital to see where it will all happen in roughly 14 weeks. It all looked fine - especially the tubs! Am looking forward to those...and I guess the rest of it will happen how it happens! No point worrying about that now :-)

It was a tough week at the office last week - we had a major burst pipe which took out the phone system - I managed to save the server from the downpour! So our financial team is a little behind - we have three computers linked directly to the server and using a vodem for internet access so I think this week is going to be a little interesting - I certainly won't be able to work full time as I currently don't have a computer!

What I am nervous/excited about is the email I got from my co worker Aasta on Friday afternoon - telling me to be ready to follow another co worker on Monday afternoon to a secret location for my work baby shower. I've never been to a baby shower - and certainly not my own! I'm terrified...hehe. They are such sweethearts. I'll tell all about it in the next post...time to go rest up a little, been busy all day sorting the baby's room and heading off to our lovely neighbours for a cool spa and takeaways tonight!

Today's scan

Today was my 25 weeks and 3 day scan - otherwise known as "the aged mother is paranoid" scan. I just couldn't wait till the next scheduled scan at 30 weeks - I know she is growing, but I wanted to be sure she was still on target and everything was looking good.

She is. It is. She's still measuring about a week ahead, and everything looks just fine, single umbilical artery and all. Estimated weight is .929 kilos - so nearly the big 1 kilo :-) She is active and beautiful and healthy and ours.

On a day when New Zealand cried for the loss of the little Aisling I really really needed this confirmation. My heart goes out to the Symes family and I hope that they can find some peace now that she has been found.

Twenty Four Weeks!

It's been a big week - Rupes got home on Monday, so lovely to see him and have him home again. We had a work function on Wednesday, and Thursday night I did my first deep aqua class - it was great, harder than I thought it would be but felt nicely weary and tired when I got home. In addition to all that work has been crazy busy, so it's been a balancing act between getting done what was needed to at the office and still getting enough rest at home.

Baby girl is active! Am loving it...feeling her moving just gives me a thrill and it's neat to lay there (or sit there) and feel her kicking around or moving positions. Such a reassuring and exciting feeling - to know that she is doing well inside me and soon she'll be out to say howdy. Well. Maybe she won't say that for a while, but the time to wait is starting to feel really short. Only something like 16 weeks to go!

Another week down

It's been a good week -busy, but good. Saw my doc on Wednesday for a check up and all is fine, they aren't worried about the lack of weight gain but apparently I should eat as much as I like plus some! I took that to heart last night when I went out with friends for a birthday dinner for one of our mates - amazing restaurant and gorgeous food. Got home at 12 and couldn't believe I'd stayed awake that long! Feeling a little weary today so a quiet day at home doing some chores is in order.

Our wee girl has been pretty active this week - some good hard kicks that make me gasp when it's a sensitive spot - much to the amusement of our admin team when it happened in the middle of a meeting! I've also had my first night of her waking me up wiggling and moving - I just laid there and smiled and talked to her. It's just amazing to feel her move inside me and to know that we are now at 23 weeks and in something like 17 weeks she will be here. I am so truly blessed.

Rupert has been in Germany this week and is on his way home - he'll get back Monday morning and I cannot wait to see him. It's been a long trip for him, and I have missed him so much!

I bought a maternity swimsuit on line - and it arrived and fits well (as well as anything fits over a bump like I have) so am looking forward to getting into some water exercise. That will start towards the end of next week when the craziness at work subsides a little!

22 weeks...

Well - my belly measures 120cm today. Weight gain is around 4 kilos in total - not quite sure why so low as I seem to eat everything in sight some days! And apart from being really really tired this week all has been good.

A few nights ago I was laying in bed, surfing on my blackberry, wishing Rupert was home - and she started moving. So I was talking to her...and when I talked she moved, and when I stopped talking she stayed still. We had about 15 minutes of that before I had to roll over to get more comfy! Lovely! Had movements pretty much every day to some degree, and her heartbeat is checking out fine every day (though she sometimes takes a bit of finding!)

It's been a full week of training and quiet nights at home walking the dogs, feeding myself (I seem to have a thing for cheese right now) and early nights with good books. I babysat our neighbour last night - he is such a good boy, and went to bed at 7.30 with no hassles at all. He's 2 in January and it's fun wondering what he will make of our baby when she arrives :-)

Went for a long walk with Katie this afternoon, and wore myself out, so poor Toby only got a shorter walk. I'll have to work tomorrow on some accounting stuff, so hopefully I will feel better and more energetic than I did this morning when I basically only got up to get food and drinks and stayed in bed till around 11! I never do that, but it was lovely!

So, 22 weeks. 18 to go - and a lot of growing to do yet I assume - I had to let my pregnancy jeans out by a button on each side this week! It's so fun seeing my bump!

The best feeling in the world...

I can feel her! It really started yesterday, when Rupes and I were out running errands. We were waiting for a replacement TV (did I mention we got burgled??) and I'd sat down on a chair to rest. And bam...one good strong kick to the inside of my tummy. It was the first definite movement I had felt - and oh it was wonderful. I cried a little. Later that afternoon I felt a whole flurry of movements - deep down in my belly. She really is in there! I seem to only feel them down in my groin - I guess because my lower belly is quite numb from all the surgeries - but it feels so good to know she is there and moving and growing! It has been such a reassurance having the heart beat monitor so I can listen to her every day - but suddenly this all feels very real.

Another thing that happened this week was receiving a letter from our local hospital thanking me for choosing to deliver there, and giving me my patient number. I have a patient number! I am in the system! They are EXPECTING me!!! Me!

It's been a good week - training my replacement at work, who is doing great, and a few more weeks should see me able to start taking it a little easier. Rupert flew out last night for 2 weeks in the UK and Germany - I cried at the airport. I'm used to him travelling - and it's not a problem, but I just felt really sad. When he gets back I will be 23 weeks pregnant! I'm so gonna miss him though - but it is great having Muzz still with us for both company and a bit of a hand with the dogs and chores. He's a blessing right now :-)

On Friday night the boys went off for a movie night out - so I went over to visit a girlfriend who has two wee girls. I was treated to a nearly five year old tantrum (how on earth do mothers keep a straight face while the foot is being stamped up and down) and later to a special show where she danced and fished a banana from the sea. I kept looking at the two girls and thinking - wow, this is really happening to me, I have all of this to look forward to.

I'm at work today, doing some accounting work that I am behind on - and as I have sat here and typed this I've had another two or three movements.

I do know how lucky I am. Every day is so precious with this little miracle. I hope she will always know just how loved she is.

Half Way There

20 weeks today - and side on I was a little shocked at my picture! I've only gained 3 kilos but was probably 10 kilos overweight anyway so I figure our wee girl is living off my reserves!

Half way there. Wow. Who would have thought it.

I'm saving the bare belly shot for 30 weeks!

She's a Girl!

Our anatomy scan yesterday morning confirmed my conviction that this was a little girl. She is beautiful - big and healthy, measuring close to 2 weeks ahead! That dream I had very early on was obviously right - where I was holding my wee girl in my arms - I take so much comfort from that dream, silly as it sounds.

We do have a small complication - what is known as "single umbilical artery or SUA" so instead of two arteries running to baby through the cord, we only have one. This occurs in up to 7% of all pregnancies and risk factors are maternal age over 40 (tick), caucasian mother (tick), female baby (tick) and diabetes (ha, not me!).

There is a VERY SMALL correlation between SUA and chromosomal abnormalities so the ultrasound technican took a long time to check everything out very thoroughly - heart, kidneys, bladder, brain etc. We spent a lot of time waiting for baby to unclench her tiny fists (clenched fists are a sign of chromosomal abnormalities, who knew!) but she finally did.

So, our wee miracle girl seems to be absolutely fine and I guess if there are any more concerns we will hear from our obstetrician. But I am not worried at all, I just have this serene sense that things are going to be just fine.

Oh but she is beautiful. And active. And definately quite stubborn. I cried a few times of course but my co worker Aasta was ready with tissues while Rupes just held my hand and didn't take his eyes off the screen the whole time! Her wee head diameter is 5cm now - and at nearly half way she is so strong and chubby and healthy, with long legs like her Daddy. I am truly truly blessed. And oh so very grateful for this wee one.

And yes yes, I will post a belly shot on Saturday, when I will be 20 weeks :-)

An interesting weekend...

It started well with a lovely dinner out on Friday night to celebrate Rupert's birthday, then a Saturday in the garden. I was pottering around, planting out cuttings, tidying up, while Rupes worked on the main task of emptying the barrel which has housed our goldfish, pulling out the rock garden and taking out the tree that was growing there.

We didn't think any of the goldfish had survived winter, so imagine our surprise to find 3 still alive and lurking in the depths - into a bucket they went with the intention of buying a small inside fishtank for them to live in. Meantime, Rupes has the tree almost out, bent over and jumping on it to bounce the main root out of the ground when disaster struck - his foot slipped and within a minute his ankle was swollen and it was off to our local clinic for x rays. No break as far as they could tell, but a very serious strain, so he is now in plaster and on crutches!

On Sunday I had to work, so Muzz took Rupes back to get his cast checked and then they popped into the pet store and bought the tank. Unfortunately, when they went outside to get the goldfish from the bucket it became apparently that one of the cats had a very nice meal, thank you very much! So now my next job is to pop to the pet store and buy some fish to go into the new tank LOL. Honestly. Men. You think they would have checked the fish first!

Poor Rupes - he sees the specialist on Thursday and until then is unable to put any weight on his foot, drive a car, or do anything else that requires two legs and hands free! Thank goodness for Murray who is running with Toby for us, and I can walk Miss Katie in the evenings!

We have the anatomy scan on Wednesday morning and I can't wait - it's going to be so lovely to see the baby together, and hopefully we might find out boy/girl. I feel like I am pushing out more and more each day - am even finding my baggy old trackpants a little uncomfortable so tend to walk around at home with the tummy sticking out! Highly attractive!

Things I love to hear...

Do you know what you are having? - complete stranger at the mall the other day.

Your risk of any defects is now 1 in 530 - obstetrician at yesterday's appointment

Whoosh whoosh whoosh - baby's heartbeat through my little monitor

What a gorgeous baby - obstetrician at yesterday's quick scan


My check up appointment yesterday was fine - blood pressure, pee samples all good. She took me off for a very quick scan - baby is getting so big, and looking so cute. Could see the chest rising and falling with the heartbeat, and the arms moving around. She did try for a quick look between the legs but baby was not cooperating - legs crossed and feet drawn up, so no luck. Maybe next week at the 20 week anatomy scan! I don't think I have felt baby move yet - but to be honest, I have a fairly gassy noisy tummy at the best of times so it could be doing laps down there and I wouldn't know yet!

Another week passes

It was a very busy week - but mostly good! Bump is still growing and I have decided to make the internets wait for a bump picture until 20 weeks - I think I look more fat than pregnant right now! Health wise, still having days of weariness and times of indigestion but am mostly fine. Still having physio for my sore calf - which is driving me nuts - and poor hubby is having to massage the aches every night so I can sleep. Last night I just couldn't get to sleep and tossed and turned till midnight at which point he woke up and massaged my leg and I fell asleep almost right away. What a man!

Had a few hours in the garden yesterday - so nice to be in the sunshine, but felt very tired by the time mid afternoon came around so had an afternoon Nana nap...woke up very groggy but really needed the snooze. On Friday night we went to see the new Harry Potter (well, new to us, the rest of the world has already seen it) which was fun - first movie outing since I got pregnant. However, was desperately uncomfortable and fidgety (sorry Muzz and Rupes) and have decided no more movies unless they are at home - at least watching a DVD I can lay on the floor and sit different ways without getting all achy and sore. Good movie though!

Coming up this week - more interview for my replacement at work (I'm going to continue part time after a couple of months of training my new person) and then my next obstetrician appointment on Wednesday.

17 weeks...

Apart from the emotional/giddy with joy/cannot quite believe it/oh my god it's happening feelings, I am finding the whole process of pregnancy quite fascinating. And my body's reaction to that process. I've got a couple of those week by week books, and every Saturday I read the next chapter. So, I know that from this point on the baby starts to put on fat, and get those gorgeous chubby wee legs and arms. Which may explain why I woke up this morning tired and absolutely starving and have done nothing but eat all morning! Weight gain at this point is 2 kilos, and the books say 2.5 to 4.5 kilos is normal. I figure baby is living off some of my own fat stores and is welcome to them!

The boys (hubby and flatmate) are away this weekend with a group of mates to do the Rotorua Tough Guy/Gal challenge - 6 or 12kms through mud, ditches, crawling under obstacles. Rupert was very stoked to come in first out of our group down there. I decided to stay home to look after the dogs and just relax a bit, and it has been nice. Yesterday I went to visit a girlfriend who has just had a wee boy - he is gorgeous, and it was so lovely to see him and hold him without all those old feelings of inadequacy and jealousy. Then dropped in to see my Dad and stepmum - their birthdays this week, and then up to my neighbours to watch a DVD (secret life of bees, loved the book, thought the movie was a very good rendering)...

So, here I am at 17 weeks and 1 day. And really really looking forward to the next scan at 20 weeks, but am also enjoying having a heart beat monitor on hire so I can listen to the baby whenever I feel the need. That wee swooshing noise has got to be the best noise in the world until baby actually arrives!

Shopping time

Before I was pregnant I would find it really hard to go into baby shops...or shops with baby sections. It just really hurt. Even a month ago I found it hard...like I was tempting fate. But necessity won out - I've been struggling with clothes as things just aren't fitting very well anymore! So I did some shopping today - got a couple of tops, some maternity jeans and a cute skirt. Then I went to the baby store and oohed over the cots and room sets - though we have been given so much stuff I don't need to buy anything quite yet - we already have a cot and portacot and Moses basket and change table and high chair. Just need to get some new mattresses. All that stuff is sitting up in our small bedroom waiting for me to have the energy to put it together.

It felt sooo good to be just like all the other pregnant women wandering around those stores. So good to check out the wee blankets, the wee sleep sets and the cute clothes and not think of loss. The women would smile at each other and check out the tummies of others they met in the aisles. It was like finally belonging to a club that I never thought I'd be part of.

Yesterday I had a few hours in the garden - it was finally sunny and I finally had a whole weekend off work. It felt good to get some work done out there, and the boys did a lot of pruning and cutting down trees we didn't want while I replanted my vege garden. It was a nice way to spend that 16 week milestone.

I still seem to get really tired, though that is definately easing. The naturopath is very pleased with my progress and now has me weaning off his wonder herbs through until 20 weeks, and then I will go back at 30 weeks for help with the birth and the baby's health post birth. Still not quite sure I believe in everything he says, but it can't hurt, and may help. So...all good at my end, and getting bigger by the day :-)

Quick Update

Your maternal serum test was negative. Lovely words to hear on our answerphone last night - meaning that our baby is pretty much risk free for Downs or any of the other chromosomal disorders. I was really pleased to hear that - though as I hadn't been stressing too much (I mean, what can go wrong with a miracle baby???) but it was good to get confirmation.

Now 15 weeks and 5 days - will try and post the inaugural belly shot on the weekend :-) Feeling good - still tired but mostly well, just a bit of indigestion still and a LOT of burping!

Toucha Toucha Toucha Touch Me...

Earlier this week I went to an awards breakfast - lots of folks there both from the franchise I work for and a lot of folks I know from other offices. About half way through the morning tea I realised that my tummy was getting patted and stroked a lot! And...I really liked it! I didn't find it intrusive or offensive at all - it was just people who cared about me showing their joy in this baby. Kinda nice :-) I mean - I pat my bump all the time, but it's lovely when other friends do too!

Hubby and I saw the obstetrician yesterday - she is pleased with progress and gave us a quick scan - baby waved at Daddy! He/she was sitting bum down, legs up, and despite coughing I couldn't get him or her to move to a better angle. But I must say how cute peanut (or mini P) looked! After that appointment I went and had my blood drawn for the maternal serum test which will hopefully give us a good result and get us up over that 1 in 300 risk factor (currently 1 in 290). I don't have a lot of anxiety over that, I think the NT scan really showed that my risk was very low considering my age.

One of my blogging buddy's of old, Mony, shared her poem for Mylanta with me (below) written when she was pregnant - she is now the proud mother of a gorgeous wee man, and I heart her! After speaking with my doctor I now have my very own packet of the darn stuff. Hopefully it will help with some of the reflux and heartburn! Thanks Mony!!!

My Tribute to.....Mylanta

My innards growl all night and day,
Intestines...bowel in disarray.
Belching acid on the hour,
...regretting what I did devour.
Indigestion! Oh so dire!
My Oesophagus! It burns like fire!
MYLANTA! ....mystic tummy fixer,
Chalky white, supreme elixir.
How I crave your offensive taste,
Spoonfuls gulped with messy haste.
You alleviate the torment well,
And rescue me from heartburn hell.
My trusty friend.... all bottled blue,
Sweet reflux slayer...I heart you.

Woo hoo Second Trimester

So...today is fourteen weeks, and according to most books, the beginning of the second trimester. Wow. The second trimester! How exciting is that!

Hubby got home from the US on Wednesday - such a relief having him home while I am still really tired and hitting the sack around 7pm most evenings. It's just bliss having him home - not just for the help with the house and dogs...but just having him there. Lovely. And it means our flatmate Muzz has someone to talk to when I sneak off to bed!

So...I am still very tired in the afternoons and evenings. Some days are better than others, there seems to be no real rhyme or reason to it. I am getting a lot of twinges - I assume these are growth or stretching - round ligament pain type things. Not pleasant but usually eased by a change in position. I've had a lot of burping - much to the amusement of my co workers. Not so pleasant after taking my naturopath pills - those things are nasty on the way back up! Apart from that, only a little nausea occasionally and a bit of reflux. All in all I think I've been pretty lucky so far.

Mid week we see our obstetrician for our routine appointment - Rupes is coming with me so I hope we get to do a quick scan or at least have a listen to the heartbeat. I can feel my uterus now below my belly button - so that's quite exciting. Or maybe only if you are me and any sign is an exciting one! Tummy is definately sticking out now. I pat it a lot :-)

Emotionally - all over the show. So hopeful, so excited, cannot believe this is happening. But at the same time nervous - is that fibroid going to interfere, is that twinge the start of something bad, I don't feel tired - am I going to lose the baby? Those kinds of thoughts - usually at around 2am when those dark fears can creep in. All I can do is keep marking off the days and weeks and take comfort in the fact that this baby is growing well. I am so blessed.

My favourite photo...

See the wee shoulder? And the hands? And the side of the face?

:-)

Happy happy Pixxiee

NT Scan

Woke up this morning at 4am...really nervous. And starving. Hehe. Went for my scan this afternoon after what seemed like a REALLY long morning at work...has a clock ever moved so slowly?

Upshot is...we have one active wee baby...at 12wks and 6 days it is measuring 13wks and 3 days. My risk of Downs based on my age is 1 in 43. My new amended risk based on the measurements is 1 in 290. That may change still further when I have maternal serum blood tests in a few weeks.

Despite baby flipping over on to his/her stomach all the time they also managed to get a good nasal bone measurement, and all in all the radiologist was very happy with the way things are coming along. What a relief. I felt really drained afterwards. Just tension leaving my body...it felt so good to get this over with.

I can feel my uterus now above my pelvic bone - very odd. And feel like I am showing a little more each day - it will be interesting when hubby gets home from the US middle of next week and what changes he notices after not having seen me for 2.5 weeks.

I also had one of those cool 3 or 4d pics, so will post that shortly!

It was a dark and stormy day...

In fact, a perfect day to spend a quiet Saturday at the office in catch up mode. My miracle pregnancy has coincided with the company I work for merging with another company - and oh my desk is groaning with piles of paper and things to do.

I woke up around 4am (thanks Toby, who decided that he was cold and trying to get under the blankets with Mum was the way to go)...laid there and just smiled. 12 weeks today. What a milestone. It just feels so good to be at this stage, and only a week away from the NT scan. It's been a fairly quiet week, just work and resting and doggy walking and chores - it looks like hubby's return from the US will be delayed by a week, but I'm doing fine although missing him.

Went up to my neighbours last night to watch a DVD (Seven Pounds, had a good cry at the end) and to play with her gorgeous 18 month old. We are so lucky in being really good friends with our neighbours - we met them before we even moved into the street, through our dogs at the park, so it's a blessing having them there. Just having someone to talk to, or being able to drop Toby off to play with their dog Kong, while I walk Katie. Or just to hang out on a Friday night for dinner or a movie - with only a minute needed to walk home!

No other real news - saw my naturopath yesterday and he has altered my dosage slightly - that will continue through to sixteen weeks, then taper off and stop around twenty weeks. I wonder how big my tummy will be there - I am certainly showing now. Must get around to taking a belly shot or two!

Next update will be probably a week away after the big scan - am slightly nervous, but not as bad as I thought I might be. Keep your fingers crossed, the prayers coming and those good vibes heading my way :-)

11 weeks and 1 day

I'm starting to get excited. Each day that passes I feel a little more secure. Even the NT scan in two weeks is not stressing me, I just feel very happy and calm. I'm starting to allow myself to imagine holding this baby, our baby. To having a family, finally, after all these years. It just still feels a little unreal. Maybe when dreams come true that's what it feels like. Like you are being given everything you ever dreamed of, hoped for.

I'm tired. Some days are worse than others, but that does seem to be passing. Some days I can't even bring myself to watch TV in the evenings - I just want to lay down in bed. It's made for some very early nights, and then being awake in the wee small hours. I don't mind that so much - I just rub my tummy and chat to the peanut. I've been lucky enough so far to have very little nausea, but I do wake up very hungry at the moment!

However, I've got a really sore calf and am having physio twice a week - and that is bugging me. Because when I wake up it aches, and keeps me awake. Very annoying, but hopefully that will be fixed up soon.

Hubby is off to the US this afternoon - one week of work, one week of seeing friends and going across the states by train. I'm going to miss him, not least because he is looking after me so well. It will be a very quiet week while he is gone, and then a friend is moving in to stay with us for a while so we will be an interesting household of four cats, two dogs, three adults and a baby bump!

So. Pixxiee Is Pregnant...

Wow, some lovely old names in my comments list - so glad you guys are still around to share this with me!

So...I found out on the 11th of May I was pregnant. Was feeling very off colour, a bit emotional. And thought surely not? So I did a home test, and sure enough I was. To be honest, I was just gobsmacked. I sat in the toilet and cried.

Went to the doctor the next day and had my first beta test - I've popped the dates down here for posterity (and because my wee notebook is falling apart)

LMP 18th April
Conception 30th April (yeah, yeah!)
Spotting 8th May (implantation?)
BFP 11th May
HCG 111 11th May
HCG 334 14th May
4 weeks - 16th May
HCG 1842 - 18th May
HCG 5850 - 21st May
5 weeks - 23rd May
HCG 21392 - 25th May

On the 27th of May I had my first scan - baby measuring .310 cms and 5wks and 4 days - perfect. Heartbeat of 102

Then, on the 29th of May...on the Friday afternoon of a long weekend, panic. Bleeding, clots...although it had stopped by mid evening. We went to A and E but were told there was a 6-7 hour wait and by then I was just tired, so we went home. We got in for a scan the following Tuesday, and hubby came with me - all was fine, and heartbeat was 128 and baby was measuring a day ahead (6wks 4days).

And then we had our scan last Friday that I have posted the picture of :-)

So...that's you lot up to date! Well, apart from today's first appointment with the specialist - who did a very quick scan and told me that the baby is moving around A LOT and is very "feisty" in her words - and that she believes we have a 95% chance of no miscarriage this time around - even though we aren't quite at the magical 12 weeks yet.

So...Pixxiee is currently 10 weeks and 5 days pregnant - and cannot quite believe it. But is very very happy and excited and somehow very hopeful and calm about this one.

So...Pixxiee is back!!!

And this is the scan from today. Yes! I am 10 weeks pregnant tomorrow, my own miracle and I can't tell you how happy I am. Scared and nervous, but happy.

Rupert and I watched our baby on the monitor moving, waving those wee arms around. It was so special and we can't wait for the weeks to fly by.

Will post more later about the day I found out, the couple of scares so far along the way...but if anyone out there is still checking in on Pixxiee, just know she is probably the happiest woman in New Zealand right now!

Time to Close

It's time to close the blog down. I come here...and I get sad. I can't resist reading back through the years. I still read the blogs of those I journeyed with, and I always will. Most of them had happy endings, and I am glad for them. It just isn't going to happen for me - but I promise, if it does, if some miracle comes along, I'll be back blogging. Promise!

I started this blog with such high hopes, and too many disappointments over the years have taken their toll. And really - there just isn't that much to say that anyone would be interested in, particularly not folks who have come here because they are trying to conceive, or are doing IVF, or have had a miscarriage or an ectopic pregnancy. So...it's time to move on. Work is busy, we are enjoying our house, our lives, our animals. We don't quite have it all, but we have a lot to be grateful for.

To those who have been such a support over the years - thank you. To my fellow IF bloggers who have commented, emailed, empathised, and taught me so much - blessings to you all.

It's all good - it's just time to move on. Four years of this struggle, this sadness, is enough. Take care out there internet ppl.

Love and hugs.
Pixxiee

A year gone by...

A year ago I was newly pregnant. The tests were all good, the beta's were doubling, and hope had arrived back in my life. I really thought it was the end of the journey for us, that a miracle pregnancy would do all that the doctors (and our bank balance) couldn't. Of course it wasn't to be and by the time Christmas arrived the pregnancy was over. Two Christmas losses. Makes you feel a bit scroogelike and humbuggy about the whole darn holiday season...

I've been thinking about it a lot. I've done a lot of healing this year. I needed to. There is still a big part of me that I think will never recover - that I will always carry that grief with me - not just for the loss of that particular possible baby, but the loss of hope finally. And the grief that the future is just not what I thought it was going to be. I feel it every time I play with a friend's kids, every time I see a pregnant woman or hear someone's good news. I wonder if that will fade by the time I am...oh 60?

Over the weekend I read the book "So Close" by Tertia Albertyn. I'd read her blog a few times when I was in IVF and was always astounded by her honesty and bravery. I'd wanted to read her book for a long time. I won't go into the details of her story, but it was long and heartbreaking, but eventually a happy ending with gorgeous boy/girl twins, and I believe another on the way. (see www.tertia.org). But oh, it hurt so much reading it. It brought up all the grief and anger. She talked a lot about her emotions - about being "ok" on the outside while festering inside. It made sense, and it made me realise how much I do that too. Reading that, combined with another anniversary of another loss. Well...I'm a little down. I'll need to work on that more, and work on some kind of final acceptance instead of hoping each month that this might be the one.

On a nice note, I had a surprise visit from my Dad at the office today. Now, my Dad reads my blog, but I am pretty sure he is the only family member who does (on my side of the family anyhow!). It was funny - a while back we had coffee and I had complained you couldn't buy a certain flavour of Uncle Toby's flavoured porridge alone - you had to buy it as part of a mixed pack. So, you have ten sachets but only two of the favourite ones. It really annoyed me. But it cracked me up when Dad came in today with a whole box of my favourites that he had saved me out of his mixed boxes!

Dad and I are getting better at talking to each other. For a long time there were a lot of hurts on my side, and probably on his too - and it took us a while to get past that. In recent years I've felt we are closer than we have ever been - and it's nice. Really nice. My infertility has certainly assisted that - maybe he knew that I needed him when things were tough? Maybe as he has gotten older he's realised that his kids actually do love him (and are lovable themselves)? Or maybe now I am nearly 42 I am more mature, more able to be a friend as well as a daughter? Whatever the reason, he's been a great support. Love ya Dad :-) I have to write this cos I'd never be able to say it!

Dad's had some health problems this year - and though he tells me not to worry, I do. I'm at that age where my parents are having issues - my mother, my father and my stepmother. I'm just really glad that we have found a new place in the past few years where he can tell me, and I can worry, and whatever happens, have no regrets about our relationship.

Other news. Well Toby and Katie have finished their six week dog training course and are much improved, but still a lot of work to be done with them. Especially at a friend's on Saturday night when Toby ate all the strawberries from their garden - yes he loves fruit. Oh and him eating Rupert's mobile phone/PDA. That was not a good day in Toby history. In fitness news, I've done two of the awful beach runs now, managed to miss it last week, but am definately doing another one tomorrow. Am NOT enjoying them. Find myself looking forward to March when the next Run Auckland starts and I can start doing my 10kms with like minded folks who don't all hare off to the finish line in no time at all! You know...walkers. Folks who like to wander rather than sprint.

The garden is really starting to take shape, and I've been waterblasting and staining the decks ready for the summer. I just need a couple more fine weekend days when I am not working! Work is busy. I seem like a broken record at the moment at the office, continually snowed under. But I guess in this market it's better to be busy than sitting on my butt twiddling my thumbs!

Right. Enough of me. Just wanted to get some of that off my chest, and send a hug to my Dad.

Back in the Saddle...

Ok...confession time. Since the Taupo half marathon back at the beginning of August I have done NO training. I just couldn't get motivated - first I got sick, then I got really busy at work and home, and before I knew it three months had slipped by.

So on Monday I heard about this event at Takapuna beach - a 5km run every Tuesday night for 16 weeks (with a few weeks off over Christmas). Being the impetuous, and slightly stupid person that I am, I immediately signed up for the whole series.

Ha. Last night was the first one - and guess what? There are NO walkers. They are all runners. I came third to last overall, and last in my age group. Hahaha the shame of it. The only good thing is that apparently I can walk faster than some folks can run :-)

But...I am going to think positive. Because it is the same course week in, week out, I should be able to work on my occasional jogging speed, and improve my time from the pathetic 41m 45s to...well...maybe 35m by next March? And the other good thing is that this series leads directly into Run Auckland (where I started my athletics career this year hahaha) and I've already signed up for 5 x 10km races, and 1 x 21km half marathon.

Apart from that, life has been busy. Really busy. I've been doing lots of gardening now the weather has improved, and spent a fantastic weekend waterblasting our deck and staining our outdoor furniture. The garden is starting to take shape a little more, though I have to keep on top of it or I will be back to square one! We've also been taking Katie and Toby to dog training which is having some results. They really are both lovely dogs...just a little naughty at times.

It has been a bit of a juggle the last few months - work has been incredibly busy, and I've been putting in the hours there - add that to weekends in the garden, Rupes being busy himself at work plus training for his half marathon last weekend (1hr 58m, does he rock!), and we've had a fair few social events on too. The most fun one being Abbamania hehe...front row seats upstairs. It was almost like being at an Abba concert.

But...being busy is no excuse for losing all the hard work I had done earlier in the year with my walking/running. So, I'm back to it again, and I shall hold myself accountable to train hard to get that darn time down. Or I shall be too ashamed to turn up again!

Gotta love holidays

Queenstown was great. Just being away with Rupes for a few days without work, social life, chores, etc was great. We got to hang out...and it was lovely. We had good weather, and made the most of it. We jetboated (scary!), met up with an old mate for dinner (yum), did the gondola and luge (woo hoo) and a trip out to Walter Peak farm on the Earnslaw.

It was just a really really nice time away. And good fun. And we ate and drank wayyyy too much!

Of course, now we're back to reality, both busy at work, and we had a great day in the garden today catching up on all those chores and projects that were on hold due to the lousy weather.

It is nice to be home. Nice to see the dogs and cats again. Oh and our new couch arrived today so that's pretty nice too :-)

Time for a holiday

It has been such a busy couple of weeks. Rupes and I took a three day break last weekend and spent it demolishing the old fence between us and the neighbours, and building a new one. It was a big job...but the good news is that the new fence now means the dogs pretty much stay in their yard with no escapes! Which will be good news for our neighbours who kindly take our mutts to their place for the day.

Work has been really busy - which is all good, but has meant a few extra hours this week. We were getting ready to leave for work this morning (Friday) for our last days at the office. It was raining (what's new) so I grabbed Toby and we ran out to the carport, where the dogs live on wet days. I forgot the crossbar above the carport gate...and smack! Across the top of my nose, and my right eye and upper cheekbone. Wonderful. Nice bruising, a wee bit of a shiner. What a great start to my day!

Still...one more sleep and we will be winging our way to Queenstown. Very excited, and looking forward to catching up on some sleep, seeing a friend or two, and exploring NZ's own winter wonderland. It will be nice just to hang out with Rupert too - this month marks our tenth year together and our eighth wedding anniversary, so what better way to celebrate that than a nice room at a swanky hotel :-)

Feel the fear...

I did, and did it anyway! For Rupes' birthday a group of us went out to Woodhill Forest to Tree Adventures. Safety harnesses, clips and pulleys, and a helmet. A short training session and off we went. It was fun. And it was a beautiful day which helped - each of the courses had a variety of challenges, from the ladder up, to the various ways of getting from tree to tree. And then finishing with a flying fox (how did I manage to land on my backside four times in a row?) A few moments of frozen panic and one where I needed Rupes to rescue me (I got stuck and couldn't stretch far enough to grab the next rope). So, good fun and a few tired folks.

In other news, this has been our first fine weekend in months. It was just wonderful to see the sunshine, and I had a few quiet hours in the garden this morning. Much in need of some work and a lot of weeding ahead of me, but it was lovely to be out there and warm.

Aside from that, nothing much else to report. We are off to Queenstown in two weeks for a wee holiday, five days down there, and Rupes' cousin arrives next weekend to stay with us for a while. Should be fun - I hope she likes dogs!

I need some sun...

Am finally getting better, still an annoying cough, but mostly feeling ok. Get a little tired if I overdo it, so am still trying to take it easy. I am heartily sick of the weather though - this weekend coming will be the 8th in a row where it has rained on a Saturday. The annoying thing is that today is fine with showers, so it would be nice to be out there, rather than at work!

In good news we have had some great nights with the dogs in the garage - Sunday and Monday nights they slept right through. This morning there was a couple of barks at 3.30 am and Rupes went out and brought them inside - but we think that we should have left them as he thought that Toby might just have been dreaming!

Had a lovely night on Saturday for my Dad's 70th birthday - limo ride via my stepsisters house to a really nice restaurant (mmm my dinner was divine) then back in the limo to Dad's place for the surprise desserts and champagne party with their friends. Good fun - happy birthday Dad, you don't look a day over 65! Always fun as I got to hang out with my stepsister's twin girls - 8 years old and an absolute delight. They took great pleasure working off their chocolate rush by beating up Rupert with a few balloons!

Rupes and I are off to Queenstown in September - am very excited as neither of us have been there before. September is our 10 year anniversary, as well as our 8 year wedding anniversary, so we've been looking at lots of websites to decide what to do down there. I'm leaning towards the Shotover Jet, a day in Arrowtown, and perhaps a sightseer day pass on Coronet Peak to play in the snow. Five days away - it's going to be fabulous! We got cheap flights ages ago, and are using our credit card points for accomodation, so I think a couple of treats are in order - maybe a really nice dinner? Lots of wine? Our first holiday in 2 years, which is a very scary thought.

Hope all are well out there in internetland! In the spirit of the Olympics (8 medals so far for New Zealand, go the Kiwis) I thought you might enjoy this video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QQHGnSKJ9d8

On The Mend...

Ugh, I have been so sick. Thank goodness for the Olympics - at least it gave me something to watch while curled up on the couch feeling sorry for myself. Rupes has been a star, walking the dogs and making me boiled eggs with toast, and generally keeping the house running. I think I am on the mend now though - first day in a week with no headache.

I'm kind of bummed that the only fine day we have had in ages was Sunday - when I was too tired and sick to do anything outside. We have a few busy weekends coming up so hopefully I'll manage to fit in a day or so out in the garden which is in that terrible end of winter state. What a mess.

We've had the dogs sleeping in the garage - they have their own couch out there, and it's pretty nice. Except Katie will bark for anything from 10 minutes to half an hour when she is put out there. It's been a long week - I hate dogs barking, but we really had to tough it out. She is very stubborn - whereas Toby is pretty laid back. The only thing that really upsets Toby is if we take Katie away from him - he hates that! Anyway, last night was the first night where Rupert put them in the garage...and peace! No barking. In fact, one solitary bark at 5am which I think was Toby needing the bathroom. So...progress.

Rupes' cousin Anna is moving in with us in early September, so I was really wanting to get the house into some kind of routine before she comes. And the dogs are a bit demanding and noisy at times. Not to mention the cats. Oh well, she will understand that our house is sometimes just a little chaotic!

Singing The Blues

I have the flu. I think I might have had the start of it at the Taupo Half Marathon, which might explain my extreme weariness before, during and after the race. I'm headachy, tired, grumpy, snotty and nauseous. And work is really busy, so time off is not really an option.

Auckland has another child - four months old this time - in hospital with non accidental head injuries. Apparently the teenage parents (18 and 19) if I remember correctly, also have older child. And their house is known as a party house, with people coming and going at all hours of the day and night. I'm not going to pre judge them, because frankly I don't know who hurt this baby. But the fact is that our society allows children to be hurt in this way. And at the same time, we support folks who have children who possibly shouldn't be having children. State housing, benefits, unemployment. This country spends a hell of a lot of money on those things.

I'm not advocating that we cut off support for families who need it. What I do think though, is instead of our Child Protection Service being an ambulance at the bottom of the cliff, that EVERY family with young children receiving a benefit must be visited at least monthly. It may not help - it's a worry with the number of children injured or killed where it comes out later that CYFS was already involved. But we have to do something.

And in a personal note - how can our Government then decide that women (like me) who cannot conceive without help do not get that help unless they meet incredibly strict criteria? I sound like a droning old woman, but I've worked since I was 16 years old. Apart from a 2 month stint on ACC after a car accident, I've never received a benefit. Yet, when I did need help to try IVF to possibly have a child - a child we wanted desperately, a child we had planned for and were ready for, that help was not there. All because I had conceived (and lost) a pregnancy (in Nov 04) and under the Government rules I would have to wait three years before qualifying for IVF. But by the time the three years were past, I would be over 40 so excluded on that basis.

Even if I had qualified, I would only be allowed two IVF attempts. And should the first be successful, there is no second attempt. Apparently infertile women in New Zealand are only allowed one child - at least with Government assistance anyway. And with the infertility market in New Zealand being so small - it's a damn expensive process to do privately.

I know I am being grouchy. But I have the flu and I am allowed to be an old bitter grump today. I promise to be back to Miss Perky (or at least Miss Marginally Happier) very shortly. Promise.

Taupo Half Marathon

It was a merry band of runners, walkers, and supporters down in Taupo over the weekend. We rented a great house (lovely fireplace, big screen tv, slept 10 plus Muzz who had the floor in front of the fireplace). A relaxing Saturday, a lovely dinner and watching the All Blacks thrash Aussie, then an early night.

Sunday. Well, the half marathon started at 9. It rained. It was really really windy. In fact, for folks as slow as me, the last ten kms on the way back to the finish were all against a very cold headwind. At about the 16km point I was so tired I wanted to give up. I had a wee cry and trudged on. Crossed the line in 3hrs 10mins with nothing at all left in me - I even had trouble walking with Rupert back to the car. I spent the afternoon comatose on the bed hehe. But, in fantastic news, Murray beat Rupert and they both beat Lee! So, bragging rights to Murray for the next six months.

We drove back today (Rupes, Murray and I) - stopped off at Huka falls which was beautiful and in full torrent. The power of the water is just amazing.

And, despite being a little sad about what today could have brought, I managed ok. I had a few teary moments, but on the whole I coped. I thought about our baby a little, but then I do that most days. One neat thing about our weekend away was friends brought their six month old - and he is so cute. I had lots of cuddles!

Off to our neighbours for a much needed spa, before an early night. If you hear me mentioning doing a half marathon again, please email and remind me how much I hurt right now!

Deja Vu

We got hit by a storm on the weekend. The warnings from the weather guys were pretty clear - don't go anywhere unless you absolutely need to, make sure all loose items are away from the wind, open a window on the lee side of the house so you don't lose your roof. We stocked up on candles and gas, and spent a very quiet Saturday watching the wind swirl around the house and wondering if the rotten pine tree on the reserve edge would come down across our roof. Nothing happened. We didn't even lose power.

There is another storm heading towards us now - with torrential rain due today and tomorrow. Oh joy! Hopefully we will come through that one as easily as we did the weekend's storm. We are lucky though - in a reasonably sheltered position and high enough that we won't flood - although Saturday's high tide in our little inlet was the highest we had ever seen. You have to feel sorry for those who did have damage, be it wind or flood related. I am not sure I could cope with the aftermath of a major flood - just heartbreaking.

So, deja vu, another storm. And deja vu, another half marathon this weekend. A group of us have rented a house in Taupo and will head down on Saturday morning, with the half marathon on Sunday morning. I'm taking a long weekend so Rupes and I will head back on the Monday. I'm sort of looking forward to it - it will be fun with the whole gang there, all doing their event their way. Strong competition between the runners, so whoever comes in first will have bragging rights for the Sunday night recovery dinner! As for me, I'll just be concentrating on hopefully beating my time from the last half marathon, and finishing in one piece. Please cross your fingers for decent weather!

In other news, Katie cut her paw quite badly last weekend. So, she spent a night on the bed with me Sunday night so I could keep her from licking her bandage. I didn't get a lot of sleep as Toby had to be there too, and decided that running around the bedroom at midnight with a pair of Rupert's undies was fun. Grrr! Katie had stitches on Monday, while Toby spent the day with our neighbour's dog, so he was worn out from running around, and she was worn out from being sedated. She now has one of those collars so she can't lick her paw - another couple of days and the stitches will come out and we'll be back to normal. Well, what passes for normal in our house anyway!

On the infertility front - hmm wasn't that the original reason for this blog?? Well...there is no news. We've been trying on the appropriate days, but with no result. I think our pregnancy last year was really just a one off miracle. I am almost resigned to the fact that we will never have a baby (not our own anyway). Still a lot of hurt and sadness there, especially with my "due date" coming up on the 4th August. Imagine if the baby had stuck around. I'd be huge by now. And ready to give birth (or have a C). Hard to think about really, and I think I'm going to be a bit sad until the 4th is over.

I Did It!

It was a beautiful morning. Clear and crisp. The start of the racing today was delayed by about half an hour which made me a little anxious, but soon enough we were off. There were 1350 people walking/running today - doing either the 6km, 10km, or the half marathon.

It was tough. Really tough. Especially heading down to Northhead and seeing all the runners coming back the other way. Nice to see Rupes and Murray near Narrowneck Beach, but after that I was pretty much on my own. I really just put my head down and went as well as I could. I did a little jogging (less as the event and time wore on, and my body wore out). Probably the hardest part was back along Takapuna Beach to the finish line, though going up and around Northhead was pretty tough too.

My aim was to finish in 3hrs 30mins, and not to be last. Even with a very brief toilet stop my time was 2hrs 58mins 38secs. And I wasn't last. So, all in all a good day.

And now I am very tired. Very sore. Everything from the waist down hurts. But I did it - my first half marathon (and quite possibly my last!)

All the friends did well too - Rupes did a personal best of 1.52.50, Murray beat him at 1.52.30, Nicole did the 10km in about 57mins and Cindy in about 55mins. Excellent. And the breakfast almost made up for the pain!

Almost Ready...

We had a very cold weekend. Snow in places that hadn't seen snow in years - and some really nasty rain/hail downpours. A few of us had been going to meet at Takapuna to do a practice run/walk for next weekend's half marathon, but we all decided to stay home! Had a very lazy day, playing on my computer and organising my Itunes, then friends over for a lovely dinner on Saturday night. Rupes cooked roast pork followed by baked pears - very nice, especially with a couple of glasses of wine!

Sunday morning started off the same way, lazy and cold, but the weather cleared, so I decided to get out there and train. The most I have walked so far is around 12.5kms and I was getting nervous about the half marathon being just days away, so decided to really go for it. 23kms and nearly four hours later I staggered home! The first 15kms or so were actually pretty good, and then my hip started to ache. And it just steadily got sorer and sorer. But, I got through it, didn't give up (not that I could as I had no way of getting home) and am surprisingly ok today, just a bit of soreness, and a general weariness.

Luckily our lovely neighbours invited us over for a spa and roast chicken, so that was really nice - and the spa definately helped ease the aches. The other good thing is that the course I chose to do (for those who know me, I walked from home to work, then around the lake, then back home) was very hilly, in fact about four times as hilly as the actual half marathon race on Sunday.

So the upshot is that barring major accidents, viruses, or training injuries, I am ready for my first half marathon. I'm hoping for a time of around 3 hours 15 minutes and intend to walk most of the way as running/jogging seems to aggravate some of my old injuries. I'm a little nervous, but at least I know I can do the distance, even if the last part of it is a major slog!

Ugh Winter...

I am definately a summer girl. I hate winter - being cold, the rain, the wet dogs, the muddy garden. I just want to hibernate when the weather turns. Unfortunately, the bad weather arrived on Sunday, just in time for the last 10km race. I also had a cold. I seriously considered staying in bed, but dammit, I'd made a commitment to do the whole series, and do it I would.

It was miserable. It rained heavily on the first lap. I thought about pulling out at the 5km mark, but soldiered on, and completed the 10km in 1hr 23mins. Slower than my best time, but not so bad considering the conditions, my cold, and the course (one nasty uphill and one very nasty downhill, rinse and repeat).

So, now for the big challenges ahead. A half marathon on the 13th July, followed by another half marathon on the 3rd August. I'm going to have a couple more days recovery, both from my sore hip (sciatica anyone?) and the cold, and then do a practice walk this weekend over the course for the 21kms I will be doing on the 13th. I feel the need to do the distance just so I know I can - the race organisers did helpfully tell me that I have just under four hours to complete the actual race!

Other news - Mum is recovering well, and getting bored which is a good sign. Our new lobby tiles look great, and just need grouting and skirting board (base boards for you Americans) finished. I had a few hours in the vege garden last weekend and hopefully we'll have some nice winter treats from that. Toby and Katie are good - though Toby still has a tendency to steal anything he can reach. This morning it was a bunch of ripe bananas! Rupes made Katie a sacking pad to sleep on by sewing three sacks together, in the hope that she wouldn't be tempted to rip them apart. She sleeps on it fine, but come morning, it's fair game and the teeth start work, so it has to be put away during the day!

Choosing your child's gender

Reading the paper today, I came across a report that said that parents involved in IVF programmes should be able to choose the sex of their child.

http://www.stuff.co.nz/4589190a10.html

When I'd stopped laughing (Imagine being able to choose your baby! Ha! Gee, why didn't the doctors give ME that option?), I checked out the poll the same website is running - asking whether IVF parents should be able to choose the gender. At this moment, the "no's" are leading. Interesting. Is the no vote a "no one should be able to choose the sex" or a backlash against those terrible women who resort to IVF when obviously they weren't "meant" to be mothers? Or the other old opinion that I have heard - IVF is playing God and is wrong! So be infertile and shut up about it!

I don't know of anyone, any blogger, any infertile person who is forced to undergo IVF to conceive a child who really cares what sex that hypothetical child might be. Yes, there are parents who are carriers of certain disorders where the gender choice may be important to ensure the health of the baby, and that's fine. But I believe IVF was NEVER about designer babies, but about helping those who couldn't conceive to at least have a chance. And the ignorance around the whole subject really annoys me. Or maybe I am just a little bit fragile and precious this week? Feel free to tell me if I am.

Anyway, while I am on the subject - I was reading an article in a woman's magazine about a certain celebrity who had IVF treatment. It annoys me intensely when they say "the embryo was implanted into her uterus". Umm no. The embryo is injected into the uterus with the hope that it will attach itself and become a baby. And I wish women's magazines would also get it right - you are NOT pregnant at that stage, and you cannot be confirmed pregnant until 2 weeks have passed and you have a positive pregnancy test.

Right, rant over. In other news, my mother is recovering well from her surgery, though tired and sore. I've left her a pile of DVDs and books to keep her occupied while she recuperates. It was a nice weekend, managed to fit in a 12km walk which actually was pretty good, despite some very amusing policemen who thought that driving alongside me and telling me they were going to book me for speeding was a hilarious thing to do! Otherwise, our last 10km race is this Sunday and then it's the countdown to the first half marathon on July 13th. I'm just a little apprehensive about that - 21km is an awfully long way!

Update...of nothing really

Well, the big awards night was lots of fun, managed to get about 3 hours sleep before we had to fly back to Auckland. My two co workers (who are both blog readers) were way more naughty than me and stayed out later. Oh to be young, or a party animal again! It really was a nice wee trip though, and nice to see Christchurch - such a pretty city on a crisp sunny day.

Training is going fairly well, though I have struggled to put in the km's in since the last race. Managed about 7.5km last night, plus dog walking, but the old hip is a bit sore so I will be making sure to do good stretching every day to try and ease that out. I'm heading up North this weekend to stay with my Mum who has just had surgery, so that will be a nice break (and where she lives is completely flat so I should be able to get some good walking in).

Otherwise, life is quiet. Been to a couple of movies, out for dinner, watched the All Blacks game against Ireland on TV at a friend's place. All general stuff, and nice stuff but nothing to write home about (or to bore you with on my blog!) Work continues to be busy, so am making the effort to keep up to date with everything so that the unexpected doesn't throw everything out of whack too much.

A friend's wee baby has been in hospital with meningitis - I was so scared and worried when I heard, but the good news is that she has the strain that means no side effects and she will make a complete recovery. I can only imagine how her folks felt - it is such a scary word and conjures up some terrible mental images. Awful. I really feel it when children are hurt or get sick - that's a new thing in the last few years, possibly because I now understand just how precious these little ones are. I'm just so glad she is going to be ok - she is a wee darling with the most beautiful mop of hair!

Next race is on the 22nd of June. It involves a fairly nasty hill, so lots of stretching and hill training will be my goal for the next 10 days. There is a hill near our place that is a killer, and I am almost tempted to walk up and down it a few times each time I train. Ugh. I did say "almost"!

Time to Party!!

Tomorrow morning, I am flying down to Christchurch with two of my co workers to attend the end of year awards dinner and party. We're all sharing a hotel room, and it's going to be a big night. These are real glamour events, everyone done up to the nines, so we've all had a bit of a stress trying to find something (anything!) to wear. I think we are all sorted now, and ready to get on the plane and go join in the fun. The hard part will be flying home, and coming back to work, the next morning! We may not go to sleep at all, as these things can easily go on till 3 or 4 in the morning :-)

So. Jodi Picoult author talk. She was funny...and very chatty, and I laughed and even got teary a couple of times. What a talent. I can't wait for her next book, and am very glad I went along.

On Sunday the 10km race happened. And I felt good - I did it in 1 hour 16 mins and 44 seconds - so even faster than the flat course 10km event a few weeks ago. And a LOT faster than the 1 hour 34 minutes I walked it in last weekend. I was pretty happy when I crossed the finish line (until I stretched my hip and it all locked up and caused me 15 minutes of agony and embarrassment while the ambulance guy put an ice pack down my shorts!). I have a few twinges in my calf and butt, but nothing like last weekend's pain. Rupes did a great time of 49 minutes, my co worker did it in just under an hour, and Muzz was around 51 minutes. Nicole did the 5km - not sure of the time, but she did great. I have a lot of work to do if I am ever going to catch up to any of them! Oh and I won a spot prize - a very groovy running singlet. I am going to look the part even as I stagger around the course!

Next event isn't till around the 22nd of June - another 10km. And then it's the biggie, the half marathon in July. Scares me thinking about it, although I am pretty sure I can do the distance at a steady pace. And then if that goes ok, another half marathon in Taupo in August. And that's my goals for the year achieved (as far as walking/running goes anyway). So, time to kick up the training a notch from this week on, and start getting some road kms under my belt.

On the infertility front. Nada. A friend of ours had her baby on Friday night, and we went to the mall to get some wee clothes. All was good as we oohed and aahed over the stuff and then I got really emotional. Almost a panic attack - and I couldn't find Rupes (who had wandered off to another section in the store). When he finally came back (it felt like ages, but was probably only 5 minutes) he got a bit of a growling. Poor guy. We popped in to see the new arrival on Sunday and she is just gorgeous, full head of dark hair, wee tiny fingers and very long feet. Just lovely. And surprisingly, that was easier emotionally than standing in the baby section! Go figure.

Ouch! My A**

After the first 10km race (the nice flat one) I was a little sore, a little tired. But not too bad. So, hubby and I decided it would be a good idea last Saturday for me to walk the route of the next 10km race which is next Sunday. It was a beautiful morning - foggy at our house but clear and fine over in Milford, so off we set. I have to say in advance that I hate hills, and this is a VERY hilly course, but on the advice (ha, I now hate him) of a personal trainer who happens to work where I do, I attacked the hills. As this was pre training only, I walked. No running, no jogging. Just a steady pace, a bit slower on the hills, a bit faster on the flats. Finished in 1 hour 34 minutes, and felt actually pretty good afterwards. He ran a bit further and did around 15km. It's hell being married to Mr Fit!

That night I went out with the "doggy park girls" for dinner, and a few too many wines and shots! Good fun, home at midnight, and though I was a bit stiff it wasn't too bad. Until Sunday morning when I rolled out of bed ready to start my day and cried out in agony. My butt was so sore - down the side and into the hips. I waddled around all day, and Monday was even worse. Today it feels slightly better, after a hot bath, a walk in the park with the dogs, and an hour long spa at our lovely neighbours place.

So, now the question is...as the soreness is easing, do I still go for the 10km race this Sunday? Or cut my distance back to 5km? Or miss this one entirely? I guess it will all depend on how I feel on the day...I really really want to do the 10km just to see what time I can do it in, and maybe with a LOT of stretching afterwards I can avoid the worst of the butt ache!

Other than that, I am very excited to be going to an author talk on Thursday night - one of my absolute favourite writers, Jodi Picoult. If you haven't read anything of hers, go get one (My Sister's Keeper is probably my fave) and curl up in a quiet corner and enjoy. I am really looking forward to hearing what she has to say. Oh, and if you are in New Zealand, make sure you go see "Second Hand Wedding" - a totally Kiwi movie and just lovely. I laughed and I cried.

The big one...

Yup, today was the 10km fun run/walk. Friends came for dinner (and a bit too much wine) and then stayed the night and we all headed over together. The good thing about the walk was that the course was completely flat. Four laps made up the 10km so it was easy to see your time and how you were doing - and it only rained on the first lap. At the 5km mark I was ready to give it up, but fought the battle in my head and carried on - and at the end of the 7.5km lap Rupes, Liza and Muzz were all cheering me on. So, I finished, and actually ran across the finish line with another girl, and did it in 1 hour 18 minutes or so. I was expecting/planning for 1 hour 30 minutes so not too shabby. Funnily enough, my knee hurt for the first lap or so, and then my hip took over and is still sore now. Thank goodness for lovely neighbours with a spa pool which we made good use of!

I get the feeling I am going to be very tired tomorrow. But, still, it was my longest walk/run ever, and I have two weeks to prepare for the next 10km walk which will be tougher, as it has some nasty hills.

Maybe this is turning into a fitness blog! But...I went shopping and bought some new clothes for work and I have gone down 2 dress sizes! I bought the cutest grey wool dress, and some knee high black boots with a tiny heel, as well as a pair of trousers, a skirt, and some tops. Amazing what a difference it makes having clothes that fit!

Update...kinda

Ok. Dad mentioned (again!!) that I hadn't been updating. Excuses. Well, it's been pretty stressy at work, I haven't been feeling so great, and while life has been busy, it's not been busy in a very exciting way!

Three 5km fun run/walks under my belt now - not getting any easier, and I have some nasty ligament pain in my knee. Still, I am quietly pleased I have kept up my training (mostly) and managed to finish the first three. But with this knee pain my athletic career could be over before it really begins! This weekend is my first 10km walk, and luckily it is completely flat, so I should be able to handle it. If the knee pain persists I'll have to get some treatment - I think it might be related to my hip being out of alignment, so we shall see how it all goes.

The dogs are doing good, though Katie did a bolt through the open gate on the weekend and it took me half an hour of tramping around the neighbourhood in the pouring rain to recapture her. She really really loves to run away...it's very frustrating. Toby is getting bigger, and mostly has been behaving, if you discount the odd chewed sock/coaster/blanket! They've been having a lot of fun at the park with the other dogs - and Toby is fascinated by a wee puppy that has just joined the group. He's mostly gentle, but sometimes he forgets how big and clumsy he is!

The weather has finally turned after a very long dry summer, and we've had a lot of rain (and discovered a small leak in our roof!) It's gotten cold too, which I hate with a vengeance, but I do enjoy the soup and casseroles this time of year brings. BUT I am trying to be good food wise, as I have managed to lose 10kgs so far this year, so am off on Friday to buy a couple of new skirts for work as mine are all getting a little too baggy.

On the infertility front - nothing. Not pregnant this month, and am still waiting for CYFS to run their next course for fostering so we can at least explore that option. I think I am gradually coming to terms with the realisation that I'm not going to be a mother the natural way, and that our next decision really is going to be either pursuing adoption/fostering or choosing to grow old and grey together in a houseful of animals. There is some sadness in that thought - but maybe I need to start looking at this as an opportunity rather than a burden?

That's me for now. Take care all you folks out in blogland :-)

Fun Running...or is it?

Well, as per my last post I had hoped for 45 minutes for my first fun run/walk. It was a lovely morning, not too hot, and I was incredibly nervous. There were a lot of people - 1,000 there either doing a 5km or a 10km run or walk - or a little of both. So, the 10km guys took off, Rupes and Muzz amongst them, and Carole and I lined up for the 5km start. And there was the first shock - everyone started RUNNING! Or at the very least jogging...well, what is a girl to do? Jog along with them I guess.

So, in the end I jogged a lot more than I thought I could (mainly to try and keep up with people in front of me, and overtake the odd person just to see how it felt) and came across the finish line at 42.23 minutes. Wow. A personal best! Ok, admittedly, it's not hard to have a personal best when you've never done it before...but it was quite nice beating Carole! Though I suspect she will turn the tables in three weeks at the next Run Auckland event.

I felt pretty good afterwards. Tired, a bit sore, but nothing too major. Rupert on the other hand was shattered, mainly because we stopped at the supermarket on the way home and he shopped while I stayed in the car. And when he returned with the groceries, it was to find that I had flattened the battery (in my defence, I was listening to the radio, and didn't realise the air con was on as well!) He then had to run 4kms home to get his car and come back to jump start mine!
Rupes did his 10kms in 55 minutes, and Murray was just behind him, so they did pretty well.

So, when my co worker Cindy said to me earlier today that we should do the Devonport Classic 5km run/walk this weekend I got all enthusiastic. And entered. So she is going to run it, and I am going to walk/jog it. Oh dear, is this the start of something addictive?

I See Red, I See Red, I See Red!

I've had a couple of complaints about my blog being very quiet. That's probably because life is pretty quiet right now! With our financial year end coming up (Monday argh!) I have been working pretty hard on getting everything ready, up to date, and issues sorted out. Apart from that, there has been a good amount of time spent in the garden, which is progressing fairly well, and a bit of time on the treadmill training up for tomorrow's first run/walk. I did the course last weekend with Rupes just to make sure I actually could walk 5kms on that track, and finished in a time of 48m 22s - we took a wee wrong turn so that was actually about 5.3kms. I'm hoping for around 45m tomorrow at the first race, but we shall see. The weather isn't looking too great, so I am not sure how much it will slow me down to walk in the rain!

And I See Red! Nope, I'm not angry...but we went to see Split Enz in concert last night with some friends. What a great night - I had forgotten how many awesome songs they had. If you're not familiar with the band, try downloading some of their music - it's all good! And it has been so long since I've been to a concert, I must do it more often. Really really fun. Something about seeing a live performance that just makes you wanna rock!

On the ferry trip home last night, I ran into an old friend - I probably haven't seen her in 15 years, and she'd had a few drinks so was probably a little more open than she would have been otherwise. We had a chat, and I asked her how she was, and she pretty much burst into tears and told me that life was awful and that's she'd just had a miscarriage and was giving up on having babies. I nodded, and told her that I'd a miscarriage too recently. She almost begged for us to get together for coffee soon. She is really hurting, and it hurt to see it - I am so lucky with the friends and family around me who allow me to talk out my pain, or at least understand when I am feeling down. It does help. I wonder who she has to talk to...I guess me for a start now.

It's a strange thing, this infertility. I have moments of sadness still, of course. But right now, I am focussed on my goals - my job and the busy time ahead, my walking/running and the first challenge tomorrow, and working/improving around home. Add to that some really good social time with friends lately and my mood is pretty good. But always, at the back of my mind, is the thought "is this all there will ever be?" I guess I am going to have to learn to reconcile the life I have now (which I do love) with the dreams of a child, and perhaps finally come to the realisation that life CAN be good like this. Without a baby, a child. I know it can - I have friends who have made that adjustment (both willingly and unwillingly) and I think I need to work on acceptance.

That's pretty much it from me. Toby and Katie are doing fine, Toby is growing daily, and his behaviour is improving (slowly, but improving!) Katie is great apart from her occasional escapes from the park to play in the tidal mud. I am resorting to taking treats to the park whenever I can so she gets the idea of "come" meaning come to me, not run the other way!

Oh. And Hi Dad! My dad reads my blog - which is quite funny in a way - but it's all good too :-) He's probably learned far more than he ever wanted to about his daughter and her infertile adventures!

Travels and Stuff...

We've just got back from six days in Surfers Paradise - I was there for a work conference, and hubby came too for a wee holiday. It was nice having him there - I've gone alone (apart from work colleagues) the last two years. We had one day by the pool, and one at Movie World before the sessions kicked in. A good mate moved into our place to look after the dogs and cats - much appreciated!

Next Friday we are off to Christchurch for a long weekend. It's my birthday, and I got some really cheap fares, so we are going to have one night in Hanmer Springs, and one night in Akaroa visiting the in laws. Really looking forward to it as I have always wanted to go to Hanmer, and I figure if I have to turn 41 I might as well do it in a place I want to be!

Got my "AF" just as we arrived home from Aussie, so not pregnant this month. The doctor has given us the go ahead to try again, though she wants one more HCG blood test done to make sure I am back to normality. I'll do that tomorrow. I wasn't disappointed - I've decided I definately do know (and really early) when I do fall pregnant, so until (and if) I start having those symptoms, I just won't think about it. It's odd, and sad, to think if I hadn't miscarried I would be over three months by now. I wish I still was pregnant. I really do. That sadness hasn't gone away very much at all.

And in the TMI department, my tummy bug is still with me. And the gastro has led to lactose intolerance. So, am being very careful what I eat, trying to make sure I get enough rest/exercise/good food, and waiting for it all to resolve itself. Annoying, but I am feeling well mostly, and am off for a day in the garden. Plus the embarrassing errand of returning a book to the library that Toby liked so much he chewed it to bits! Grrr!

On the plus side, Toby is completely recovered from his abcess surgery, and is back to his normal self. Minus his balls of course :-) Katie is doing good too, and we had to laugh yesterday - Toby is not a strong swimmer yet, so his new trick is to grab hold of Katie's neck or collar as she swims off. They went quite a way yesterday before Katie managed to dislodge him!

Blast from the Past

When I was 12 and 13 I had a penpal named Carlos, who lived in Sao Paulo Brazil. I found him on the internet recently and we've been emailing back and forth.

Today's bonus? He emailed copies of some of my letters - complete with pretty pictures. I never knew I was so artistic! And so serious! I must have a dig through my "letter box" to see if I have any of his - I remember them as being absolutely beautifully decorated, and his English wasn't very good, so our letters became a case of him teaching me a little Japanese (I was learning at school) and me correcting his English!

Hehe...I wonder if folks still have penpals in this electronic age?

My doctor...

I had an appointment to see my doc today. Mainly because last Monday I fainted at work, and fainted again when hubby picked me up and took me to the hospital - in fact, I managed to crumple right in front of the admitting man who was suitably impressed and got me a wheelchair right away. After a long long day the diagnosis was low blood pressure due to dehydration - due to this gastro bug I've been dealing with for ages. Over six weeks! Admittedly on and off, but it hasn't been very pleasant. The only upside is that I have lost 5 or 6 kilos! I am feeling a little better, and managed an hour on the treadmill tonight with no problem, so fingers crossed it's on it's way out!

Dr M, my doctor, definately has a way about her. She is so calm and sympathetic, but very real at the same time. She talked to me about how sorry she was about the miscarriage, about how impressed she was that whenever she spoke to me I was positive and well informed. And how she thought I was very brave. She commented that a surprise pregnancy, coming so soon after we had decided to stop trying, which then ended in miscarriage had to hurt a lot. We talked a bit about how people, unless they have been through it, just find it hard to understand the grief. Of course I cried, and she gave me a hug (whilst examining my boobs for my pre mammogram check) - we also had a good talk about trying again. Her advice was to go for it. So we shall. Back to the date diary!

In other news, Toby has a large abcess on his neck. Poor wee fella, it doesn't seem to be bothering him much but the antibiotics haven't made much of an impact so we have an appointment tomorrow and it looks like they will operate on Thursday or Friday. Luckily they can also do his neutering and microchip at the same time, so hopefully he will be all recovered soon. We are off to Surfers Paradise on the 9th of Feb - me for a work conference (tho we are going a bit early so Rupes and I can go theme parking for a day!) and Rupes is coming along as the spouse! Thanks to Muzz for house/cat/dog/garden sitting for us :-)

Grief is a strange thing...

You feel like you are coping, that in fact, you are doing pretty well. You've got through the tough days of Christmas and New Years, the days when you really didn't even want to get out of bed and face the day, let alone face anyone else. And then something happens, completely unexpected, and it throws you for a loop.

I've had two this week. The first happened a couple of days ago when DH told me that on Friday (tomorrow) we would be looking after our friend's dog as she was being induced that day. Now, I am as excited as anyone about their pregnancy, and I know that she hasn't had an easy time either conceiving or carrying this child. But the news that on Friday (or very soon thereafter) they would become parents shocked me to the core. It's not jealousy. They are good friends, and I've had my hand on her tummy more than once to feel movement. And I can't wait to have my first hold of the baby (maybe I will hold the dog to ransom!) but oh the grief that flowed up through me. It was awful - and made more awful by the fact that it is such a selfish grief.

Then, we were watching the news together the other night. And finally, Nicole Kidman has announced that yes, she is pregnant, and due in July. I like Nicole, and I've heard that she has had both an ectopic and a miscarriage - so in some strange way I feel a bond there. Plus she is married to a Kiwi and has got rid of short stuff Tom Cruise so I like her even more. But. Her smile when she said yes, she was pregnant. Oh it hurt. Yet, in a silly way, it also seemed rather Karmic. As though, if you go through an ectopic and a miscarriage the next one will work out just fine.

So I've had some moments of wallowing this week - not assisted by a tummy upset of some kind that has left me feeling a bit yucky and weak. And a 3am panic attack that I really could have done without. I had a chat to my bestest girlfriend, and we talked about grief, and the cycle that it is. Where it is one step forward, and sometimes one step back. I know that but I really wasn't prepared for those triggers to hit me so hard.

This too shall pass. I keep telling myself that. Sometimes it helps, and sometimes it actually hurts to think about letting the grief go - that's like saying I am forgetting my wee baby. And I'm not. I don't want to. It was the first child of ours where we saw the baby, saw the heartbeat. I find it hard to forget (or even want to) that we had it for such a short time. But, we had it. And I'm not one who will light candles or have ceremonies to honour the loss, but at the same time I can see how that might be a good idea. Closure as the therapists are so fond of saying. This too shall pass. It will.

Couldn't resist...

Isn't this a great shot? Katie just loves to swim and the water was so clear and beautiful.

New Years Resolutions

I realised I hadn't shown you all the Toby - our new black lab (well, we've had him since the end of October)! So here he is, watching his big sister Katie swimming at Ruakaka Beach - it was a gorgeous day, and while he did go for a quick dip he's not one for long swims (yet...). He's turning into a really nice dog - I was a little worried at the beginning as he was quite agressive and liked to bite, but he has calmed down a lot. So, here he is, nearly four months old, and a delight to us. We still miss our Jack though.

So...resolution time. I have so many! Obviously, the resolution of getting pregnant again and staying that way is a little beyond my control, but apart from that one I have made two decisions.

Firstly, is to get my fitness up - I've entered Run Auckland which starts in March, six events at different locations. So, I'm going to start with 2 5km walks, then 3 10kms walks, and finish up with a half marathon (21km) Over the last week I've been pounding the treadmill and have officially clocked up just over 20kms. Of course, in addition is the dog walking, the normal day to day stuff, but I am only counting "serious" walking. I did my first road walk today - 5kms, in just under 50 minutes. The goal (I hope) is around 45 minutes for 5k - I really can't see myself walking any faster than that!

My second resolution - if you can call it that - is to spend more time in the garden. I find it so relaxing, and I love planting and weeding and helping things grow. I've spent the afternoon ripping out a very old and messy garden bed and replanting it with veges and herbs. It looks so pretty, and much better than it did before, and there is the added bonus of our own salad from the garden. When we bought this house we knew the gardens would need a lot of work - it's a large section, and the gardens were either neglected, overgrown, or weed infested. And so, now the good weather is here, I intend on spending some of these summer nights out there tackling some of the areas that need it.

Christmas was nice. Sad at times, when I remembered (500 times a day) the miscarriage, but nice nonetheless. I feel mostly ok - I know that these things happen for a reason, and it was better for it to happen earlier than later. Every now and then it hurts though, and I have to go somewhere quiet. Just to be. And grieve. Folks are so kind, but it's not something that anyone really wants to talk about. Maybe miscarriage is the loneliest sadness there is? Because no one else knew the baby, no one else had the dreams and hopes - so there really isn't much for anyone to say. A hug is always welcome though.

New Years was fun - we had a few friends over for the evening, and much to hubby's disgust everyone had a turn at Singstar. He HATES karaoke with a passion, or maybe just singing out loud himself :-) We managed to butcher some great songs, and see in the New Year with a few drinks. All good fun. So, that's me up to date. I guess this blog will go back to being the odd update about various things, and we shall see what 2008 brings.

It's Over

Our wee fighter made it to 7wks, 5 days. I was feeling very tired and a bit crampy all day yesterday, and during the night I miscarried. It started around 8pm with the main loss around 3.30am. Such a mix of emotion - sadness obviously, but also a certain relief that it didn't drag on for weeks and weeks. Physically the loss has been fairly easy - some cramping and pain but nothing unmanageable. Emotionally, it's a different story. However, being prepared has helped and while we are sad, we are also aware that there was something not right with the pregnancy, and it's better to lose it at this early stage rather than later.

Thank you all for your love and support, kind comments, texts and emails. It's been a bumpy road...and the only positive we can take from it is that we actually were able to get pregnant once, so possibly it may happen again.

Thanks again.
Happy Christmas.

Chat with my Doctor

I really like my doctor - she is very kind, and very straight up. She says it like it is. She was encouraged (and slightly surprised) that the baby has grown, but still has doubts due to the low HCG levels and low heart beat. So...we talked around various scenarios. She is going to be on leave for a month (!!!) over Christmas and New Years, so has given me the details of the doctor filling in for her, and will clue him in.

The basic upshot is that if I am still pregnant in two weeks we will do another scan then. She wants to take me off the close monitoring at this stage as right now it serves no purpose other than confirming that I am still pregnant, and that there are concerns. There is also some concern about too many ultrasounds in the first trimester, so it's not wise to keep doing them weekly.

So, assuming I don't miscarry between now and my nine week date, I will have another scan then. And depending on that scan's results, I will then be passed over to a specialist. I'll have one blood test each week just to keep an eye on the levels - I can't say I will miss the three times a week tests!

We also talked about what to do if I do miscarry - what signs will point to the need to go to the emergency department at the hospital, and what can just happen naturally at home. So, I am prepared for that eventuality, but hope it doesn't happen of course.

So, the basic prescription for the next two weeks is light duties, to take it easy as much as I can, to rest and relax and generally take care of myself. And wait and see - which seems to be the story of my life right now.

Emotionally I am ok. I have a few tears from time to time but am trying to be philosophical and accept that there is nothing I can do to change the outcome of this pregnancy. I feel attached to my wee blip, but it's all up to him/her at this point. I hope he or she hangs on in there.

Wait and See...Again

Not a very comfortable scan today - mainly due to a bout of gastro yesterday which left me 2 kgs lighter...so a very tender tummy.

And, no good news. The baby's heart beat has increased to 90-95 beats per minute (should be 140) and while it has grown, it is still behind, measuring 6 wks, 3 days - I am 7 wks 1 day today.

It's tough. Being pregnant, and yet knowing that the chances are this is not a viable pregnancy. I can't help but hope, but every scan seems to confirm that.

I haven't heard from my doctor yet, but I assume we will continue with the blood tests (I missed yesterday's as I was so sick) and then schedule a scan in a week or so, or just after Christmas.

Some Light Relief

Hubby and I last night - all green and ready for my work party. A fun night - though as we were both rather sober we got tired a little more quickly than everyone else! Two showers later and I am still slightly green! The theme was "Oscars" and we even had a paparazzi crowd to scream at us as we walked up the red carpet. Some great costumes and a lot of very glamorous women (myself excluded) who would not have looked amiss in the real Hollywood!

We were home by 12.30, unlike someone who will remain nameless (Kiri!) who got back to our place just before 5am this morning. And then made sure we knew she was home! I'll forgive her tho as she bought me a McDonald's BLT on her way to work. Reminder to self - do not let Kiri stay next year!

Today's number is up again. From 4288 on Wednesday to 4493 today. So, a slight climb, but all I can think is that at least it is going in the right direction. We are booked in for a scan next Tuesday afternoon. Prayers and thoughts would be much appreciated.

We have some old friends coming to stay this weekend - and they are bringing with them our godson, Harrison. I can't wait. I am so tired, but it will be so neat to finally meet him (he's about five months old) and get some cuddles in.

Midnight Worry

Woke up with a start at midnight - a strong painful cramp in my belly. Laid there for a moment till it passed - checked in the bathroom and a very small show of blood. I spent the night up in the spare room so I could be near the other bathroom if needed and so Rupes could get some sleep (our bathroom in our bedroom is a wee cupboard beside the bed, with a noisy sliding door - so no way of sneaking in there!)

I thought about how much I want this baby. And how I hope, against everything that is against us, that it is going to hang in there. I even laid my hand on my tummy and talked to him/her. I said that if you really have to leave, it's ok, but if you can possibly stay around that would be wonderful.

Surprisingly, I slept well. A small staining when I got up, but nothing now. I feel calm. There is nothing I can do to change the outcome of this, so I am working on acceptance.

Today's Beta

Blood tests are so fun. Really. I'd have one every two days for the next seven and a half months if it was necessary. Today, however, was rather warm and I was dizzy before I got there. A bit of poking to get into the vein and that was it...black out time. I came right after an hour or so, but it was all a bit much today!

Todays number was 4288. I'm taking some comfort that the rate of increase has increased, if you know what I mean. Still not doubling, but I figure there's something going on. Right now, I'll take whatever good signs I can get. I'm really aware for all my excitement that there are three very strong strikes against us - the slow heartbeat, the measuring behind, and the strange HCG results. I don't know what any of that means, so for now I am just going to patiently (ha) wait and see. Next scan is a week from today.

I'm going to take a moment to record all my numbers - for posterity, and future research purposes! Feel free to ignore the following:

4 weeks
Mon 26 Nov 168
Wed 28 Nov 458
Fri 30 Nov 1014

5 weeks
Mon 3 Dec 2430
Wed 5 Dec 3046
Fri 7 Dec 3234

6 weeks
Mon 10 Dec 3599
Wed 12 Dec 4288

See? They are going up!

Right, hubby is off sailing tonight, so I am being a chores girl and getting the house tidy - we have my work Xmas party tomorrow night, so am intending an early night to store up some sleep hours.

The Roller Coaster Continues

Last night my doctor called me - my HCG on Friday was 3234, and Monday's test result was 3599. Definately not doubling. Not even close. We talked about the strong possibility that it was a "blighted ovum" where a placenta grows with nothing inside it. We talked about whether I should wait to miscarry naturally, or have a D and C. I cried a little after that call, but mainly just felt resigned.

Hubby picked me up and we went for our scan - I explained to the radiologist that we were looking at a blighted ovum scenario and all I really wanted to know was that the sac was in the right place in the uterus so there would be hope going forward that we could conceive again. The external scan showed a pregnancy scan, and we waited for her to tell us it was empty. She then did the internal scan, looked at us, and said "you guys have been through so much, I hate to make you wait anymore, but I am seeing a heartbeat and a yolk sac". Well. I just cried. Relief, fear, worry, confusion.

BUT the sac is measuring slightly behind at 5wks 4 days (today is 6wks 1 day) and the heartbeat is apparently a little slow too at 80 bpm. So, there is still cause for concern, and we are not out of the woods by a long shot. I have to say though, it was really special to see the heartbeat. That's never happened to us before!

So. We wait, I continue with my blood tests three times a week, and we book in for another scan in a week to ten days. I'm so tired and just stressed out, I have taken the afternoon off work and once this is posted I plan on a long afternoon snooze.

Waiting for a Miscarriage

On Boxing Day, December 26th 2004, DH and I were staying with friends in Maryland. I was newly pregnant, very excited, and we'd just had a wonderful American Christmas Day. I woke on Boxing Day to find blood - and our friends took us to the nearest hospital. They did a scan and couldn't find anything in my uterus. They diagnosed an ectopic pregnancy and our holiday turned into a round of blood tests, scans and finally shots of methotrexate to dissolve the pregnancy. We had to stay in the US an extra week as I wasn't allowed to fly until my blood levels came down - too much risk of an ectopic rupture in mid flight. Despite the sadness, I have some very happy memories of that vacation. What I also remember is my innocence at that point - I had no idea of my infertility problems, and the three years since then of trying, failing, surgeries and IVF have all taken their toll.

This December, I find myself having to wait for a miscarriage. It won't be a shock when it happens, because I've been told and I understand (intellectually anyway) that it is inevitable. Of course, there is a small part of me that just hopes the doctors are wrong. My body still tells me I am pregnant - tired, sore breasts, a wee bit nauseous. And in a cruel trick of biology, I will continue to feel pregnant until my HCG levels start to decline. As of Friday they were still climbing, but climbing far too slowly.

Emotionally - I feel numb. If I speak with anyone, or read a comment, or a text message, I cry. But the rest of the time I am just numb. I find myself hoping that I won't miscarry until after Tuesday's scheduled scan - I really want to see something inside me. Maybe a blighted ovum? Or an implantation too low in the uterus for survival? But you understand - if I can actually see it and maybe get an answer then I might know what to do next. I mean, we got pregnant! Yes, it looks as though it will end in tears, but I am not supposed to be able to get pregnant. Thinking about trying again hurts right now - while I am still carrying this embryo. It seems premature to be thinking about next time when this time isn't even over yet.

Intellectually I know that 30%, possibly more, of pregnancies result in miscarriage. Emotionally I have no idea how I am going to handle being the unlucky one yet again. It seems so unfair. I know I am blessed in so many ways, I know that I have a life that others would like...a wonderful husband, much loved pets, lovely family and friends, a wonderful job, a house I love. But it hurts so much when the one thing in life I really want, I really believe I was made for, seems to keep eluding me.

I think I will keep on hoping. I'll do tomorrow's blood test just to see what the numbers are. I'll do the scan on Tuesday just in case there is anything to see that might help. And I will wait. I've done some reading and it can be at any time up to a month, even more. That scares me, but all I can do is take one day at a time.

Numbers too low

Today's beta came back and the numbers have only increased slightly. The nurse now believes the baby has stopped growing, and I will miscarry at some point. We're devastated. I know we will handle it, but right now it seems too hard.

It's hard not to worry...

Monday's HCG - 2430
Wednesday's HCG - 3046

So, it's gone up, but it definately hasn't doubled. I've done some googling and posting to the girls at alt.infertility and found that HCG levels can slow down, or level off a bit. At this stage, I'm just trying not to worry and trying to take comfort in the fact that it went up at all - remembering that Monday's test was 72 hours rather than 48.

I took Katie to the park (in the rain) and kicked the ball around for her. I asked myself if I regretted telling anyone about this pregnancy at this early stage, given that so much can go wrong. I decided that even if this pregnancy goes no further, I am still joyful about the miracle that I am pregnant at all, and I am gonna damn well enjoy it! And take comfort in the fact that my boobs still hurt, I still feel unwell, and for all intents and purposes I still feel pregnant.

Next blood test on Friday. Hoping. Praying. Wishing. I'm not giving up!

5 Weeks Today

Todays HCG number was 2430 - another good number, and right on target. It's starting to feel a little more real - DH was messaging me today about our laundry and getting it fixed up so that "when baby comes" it will be a little easier for us. I got so choked up about "baby coming" that I don't think I cared too much about the laundry or the dishwasher!

I've noticed my jeans aren't quite so comfy anymore! Definately an expanding tummy - unfortunately because of the previous surgeries my tummy is a bit tender when pressed against a waistband, so unless I can find some "jeans extenders" I'll be living in skirts and track pants! I popped into a maternity shop at lunchtime today - just to have a wee look at what is available, but it all felt a bit too soon, like tempting fate, so I left quickly!

Two more blood tests this week, and then (fingers crossed) a scan next week to show us where we are at. I'm excited/nervous about that.

How Positive is a Positive?

Saturday.

Laying on the bed, feeling really exhausted. I'd been out in the garden, and was now having a much needed ten minutes with my book, Katie beside me in her normal pose, head and shoulders on my chest. She likes that. It means I can rub her ears constantly. Then, she lifted her head and pushed her nose into my abdomen. And sniffed. Three times. And then kind of looked at me in a funny way, a little concerned.I reached for the wee diary where I had been carefully NOT recording any details. A quick bit of adding and I realised I was a day late. And my boobs hurt. So, I got up and did a pregnancy test. Two minutes later, it was negative and I threw it away. Half an hour later I retrieved it from the bin and there was a faint pink second line.I cried a little. Told Rupert. We decided to be mature and self possessed.

Sunday

Up at 5.30am. Couldn't sleep. Peed on another test and this time watched it as the cross formed. Definately. Absolutely. Pregnant. Am in complete control of emotions. Spent day napping and relaxing and making frequent bathroom visits "just in case". Boobs still sore, and prodding them hourly probably doesn't help. Some dizziness and a bit light headed, and very tired. Maturity hard to maintain as keep going off into dreams about August 5th (estimated due date)!

Monday

Called my doctor to make appt - can't see me till Tuesday. In a very mature yet forceful way, convinced Doctor's nurse that I was a HIGH RISK patient dammit and she had to fax the blood test form for the beta right NOW even if another doctor at the practice had to sign it. She did. Beta of 169 (LMP 29th Oct, Days Past Ovulation 16).

Tuesday

Saw my doctor. Got told off for terrorising nurse (but in a nice way, my doc knows how much this means to us). Another pee stick, another positive. Got sent off for urgent ultrasound - sadly too early to see the sac anywhere but was worth a try. Am advised to be aware of any twinges which may be early warnings of another ectopic. Uterus lining is nice and thick tho, which is good.

Wednesday

First in line at blood test clinic. Beta plus three more tubes of blood drawn for normal testing. Nearly fainted. Have been in bed by 8pm the last two nights - am exhausted. Beta level of 458 - more than double in 48 hours. Hoping that is a good thing. On the wee chart I have it all checks out on the graph curve - so it's not super high, or lower than it should be.

Friday

HCG of 1012 - right on the graph as it should be. Starting to really feel the body changes - tiredness, nausea, dizziness. I usually "hit the wall" around 2pm in the afternoon, where my whole body just yearns for a nap. And again around 8pm I seem to get very tired, so am doing the right thing and listening to my body, while eating small amounts often to try and keep the dizziness at bay.

So...the upshot of all this is that we are pregnant - but very early days yet. Next week will be three more blood tests, hopefully followed the following week by another scan that will show us where the baby is! For those of my "real life" friends and family who read my blog still (if you do, you need to get a life!) please note that while we aren't announcing this to all and sundry, we are definately not keeping it a secret either. There's a long way to go, but so far we are feeling cautiously hopeful :-)

The Feistmeister!

Toby is ... a real puppy. I say that because Jack was always an old boy in a puppy body - very chilled out, very cool. Toby, on the other hand, is 6.1 kilos of pure naughtiness and feistiness. Newspaper isn't for peeing on - it's for shredding into tiny pieces. The laundry hamper is there purely for chewing practice. And where Jack would get a tap on the nose for being naughty and rock back on his haunches and stop, Toby's response is to come back for more. And more. I think we have our hands full!

Katie and Toby are doing great. Toby jumps all over her and tries to take her toys, and she growls at him and keeps him in line. We've found when Toby is being naughty the only way to bring him down is lay him on his back and hold him there - the whole submissive/dominant thing. It used to take about 5 seconds for Jack to "give" - Toby is around 30 seconds!

But, when he snuggles up for cuddles and rests his tiny head on your arm, it's all worth it. We miss Jack so much still, but Toby really is helping. Jack's ashes will be buried under a white manuka tree this weekend, right next to my garden shed so I will see him often.

In other news, we have two white fantail doves - currently confined to our dovecote (it was at the house when we bought it so we figured we'd use it). Another couple of weeks and they'll be allowed to fly free. They are a very pretty pair, so hopefully we might get some babies too!

Apart from all of the animal news (Sandy and Dream are just fine, tho a little nonplussed by a black barking boy who thinks they want to play) we have some busy times coming up. My sis in law comes to stay next week (yeehah), then my best buddy and our Godson are visiting from Aussie (woohoo) and then it's Xmas! We've both been pretty tired, so the plan is to take things as easy as possible between work, renovations, gardening and garden building...

On the IF front no blogging at all - the course for fostering isn't till next year so we are kind of in a limbo. I still have my sadnesses...some days better than others, and I guess those pains will always be around to a certain extent. I just have to keep looking ahead, and enjoying what we have right now. Life just isn't easy sometimes, and maybe that's the point.

Our Buddy Jack

Jack was nine months old of solid cuddly labrador. He loved eating! Sleeping was also a favourite, as was playing with Katie. His favourite thing at the park was to grab Katie's tail as she ran after the ball, or to lie in wait for her to bring it back and then cannonball straight into her. His fur was so shiny it was a joy to stroke, and his moans of contentment when he found the perfect spot to lay beside you and rest his head on your knee always made us smile. On Friday morning we woke to find Jack had died in his sleep. The vet tells us it was a massive allergic reaction to something he had eaten, and that there was nothing we could have done. We miss our boy, and his exuberant bouncing welcome home to us each day. His gentle ways and quiet snuggles and cuddles will be sorely missed, by us, our friends, and of course Katie.

Katie was lost without Jack - broke our hearts by wandering around, moping, looking longingly for Jack and not one tail wag to be seen. We got her a new puppy - also a black lab, just 8 weeks old today, named Toby. So far Toby is nothing like his predecessor - he is very playful and feisty and rather naughty. Katie is very good with him and enjoys having some play time, though is not so sure when Toby tries to sleep on her! He is helping our grief by keeping us busy, but we still miss Jack very much. Jack's ashes will be buried under a special tree and we'll always remember our bonny black boy.

At times like this you realise just how many folk care about you - we've had flowers, texts, emails, visits, even a BBQ by our doggy walking friends so Katie could play with her mates. Those of you who read this "in real life" - thank you.

Giving up on hope...

It's been a tough week. My AF was three days late - and oh the hope that sprang from nowhere. Day 1 I'd pictured the first scans, the heart beat, the wee face. By day 2 I'd had the baby, named her, and was coping very nicely thank you. Day 3 brought a negative pregnancy test followed 2 hours later by my period. Of course I cried. And had two vodkas. And beat myself up for even daring to think a miracle would happen for me. I'm not sure what the answer is - not to have sex on my supposedly fertile (haha) days so I don't go through this torturous few days of wondering? But then...we might miss out on a baby if we don't do the wild thing on those days! Conundrum!

I am going to have to turn off hope, and stamp out my natural optimism and day dreaming. Because if I don't, I will certainly drive myself nuts, and poor hubby as well, though he is ever patient and loving as always. I shall save so much money on (damn expensive) pregnancy tests by not keeping track of the days and testing from the very first possible second. And the tears when you feel that first cramp and realise that your dream is over yet again. Maybe it's time to retire my wee diary with the obsessively counted days, fertile periods, and just let it be. Let it go. Stop thinking about it. I'm going to try.

Oh. And we got a letter from Permanent Placement saying that due to the "unprecedented number" of people who want to attend their course, the next course is full and do we want to go on the one that starts in the New Year? Of course we do, but we would REALLY have liked to do this sooner so we can get our thinking straight on that option. I hate waiting. I want to know right now where we are going with the rest of our lives. And does that mean there will be heaps of people on the waiting list ahead of us? Grr. Is the universe trying to tell me something? Should we just get another dog (no, just kidding, two is QUITE enough!)

Apart from the IF woes, all is well with us. The dogs are doing great, and Katie is changing into quite a mature old girl - her behaviour is certainly improving. Jack is lovely too, and coming to terms with the cats - I caught him licking the water off the fur of our big cat Dream - she loves to run through wet grass and rain, and he was obviously helping her out by drying her off!Sandy, our old moggy, takes a few swipes at Jack, but is mostly happy as long as he doesn't get between her and the heater.

We've been doing some work around the garden now the weather is improving. We pulled down the rotten old fence last weekend and hubby has dug the holes and put the posts in. I finished one garden, underplanting some existing trees with orangeberries and strawberries. Can't wait for the first harvest! So, we'll continue with the fence this weekend and then I can start planning the garden to go on either side of it. Am thinking evergreen blueberries on the inside, and a native forest on the outside!

And of course, the Rugby World Cup has caused a few late nights and early mornings. And much to my surprise I am currently in 664th place out of 130,000 ppl playing "virtual" betting on the matches. Long may that continue - I'm hoping first prize is a night out with the All Blacks. I might be late home that night!

Grief...

This is going to be a self indulgent ramble - but I always find writing my thoughts out to be therapeutic - so bear with me, or ignore this post.

Why does the decision not to do another IVF procedure hurt so much? I think because rationally, I can see why it's not worth going ahead, but in my heart I will be losing so much that I had hoped for.

The positive pregnancy test. Watching my belly swell. Morning sickness! My husband's face at the scan when we see the heartbeat. Him feeling the first fluttering movement. Stretchmarks! The scan where we see the face. Giving birth - drug free of course, until it hurts too much. DH holding OUR baby for the very first time. Breastfeeding, nappy changes, cuddling. Picking out our features in the baby's face. Watching the grandparents fall in love with their grandchild. Having aunties and uncles and friends coo over the baby. Watching him or her grow and seeing "our" personality and traits appear.

Those things won't happen, unless a miracle occurs and my right ovary suddenly returns to life, or my left fallopian tube heals itself. And therein lies the grief. That the journey for our OWN child is over. And I know that acknowledging that grief is important before I (we) can move on.

I know that any possible future child, even though not of "our" bodies, will be loved, no matter where he/she has come from. And I know that if we are given the gift of a child, there will be a whole new set of dreams and hopes attached to him or her. So, let me cry, let me grieve, let me mourn, let me list my regrets. It's all healing and time now.

We are booked on the next caregivers course due to start in late September, early October, with a view to being "Permanent Placement" parents to a child who needs a home.

Decision Made

I've been wrestling with the decision of whether to do another IVF. As mentioned earlier, we were planning to do a different protocol, but I've known all the way along that the chances were very slight, and I've really been struggling with the thought of putting myself through that for another failure. In a strange way I feel that if I am the one to make the choice not to go ahead it will be easier than going through all the pain (and expense) for nothing. So...a lot of tears, a lot of sadness in letting that part of our dream go. Honestly - it really does hurt like hell, but I know that's a grieving process that will have to be lived through before it gets better. Five years of trying and hoping and IVF'ing and surgeries and ectopic pregnancies doesn't just fly out the window when you decide to stop.

So...DH and I have been talking about our options. Adoption in NZ is really difficult, and currently the home studies for overseas adoptions have been stopped. So, for the moment anyway, we have ruled out adoption. That brings us back to the idea of Permanent Placement (basically fostering but keeping the child for ever) and while we both have some concerns about some of the issues surrounding that, we have decided to sign up for the next assessment course. At least after that we will be in a better position to make that particular decision, armed with all the relevant information.

I felt that there was an element of selfishness in doing another IVF - when that money could be spent giving a home to a child already in the world with no one to love him or her. Foster care in NZ is pretty bad - kids being moved 11 times in a year, some carers being as abusive as the original parents, etc. Our current child abuse rates are horrifying too, and heart breaking (what kind of person could break the arms of a five week old baby???). So...that seems to be where my heart is leading - to taking care of a child that no one else will. We both do have some concerns about how things will work out, which is why we will do the course and then make our final decision. But in some ways, having this to work towards for the moment might help the pain of giving up on the dream of carrying our own child.

So...that's where we are right now. I'm sad...terribly sad...and we seem to be surrounded with pregnant folk and babies right now which does make it harder in some ways. But, you can't avoid your friends or not celebrate with them when their dreams come true. Life goes on, and I know the pain will ease. Time is a healer right?

Boy Free Weekend

It's been a tough week - as an accountant, month end is always a mission, so I had a couple of very stressy busy days. DH is off to Taupo with a few friends this weekend to run the Taupo Half Marathon, so I am planning a "me" weekend. Kicking off on Saturday with a spa treatment (facial etc) at a swanky Spa - thanks to my buddies in the US who sent me a voucher for my birthday. Then coffee with the wife of one of those going down for the half marathon.

I started my nightschool class last Monday - sewing made easy. Just ten of us (including one guy who thought he was going to learn to mend clothes hehe)...oh no, that's not what we are doing! We are making something. So, we covered fabric, how to read a pattern etc on Monday and were sent off to buy a pattern and material to make ourselves. So, I've got some pretty patterned brown and cream material, and a skirt pattern (with a zipper no less!) My homework over the weekend is to lay the pattern out and pin it to the material and take it along on Monday for inspection by the teacher!

I also had a wee spend up and bought new curtains, duvet covers and sheets etc for the two "guest rooms" here - Cat (sis in law) and a friend are coming to stay in November so I am making their rooms as pretty as I can. So, I'll be hanging curtains and making beds too! And I fully intend to have at least one long afternoon nap, and watch at least two movies that I have recorded this week!

On the fertility front, nothing much to report. One more month to go, so it will be a big push to getting as healthy as humanly possible before we start our cycle.

I was reading the local paper this afternoon and there was an ad in there for a Permanent Placement for an 11 month old boy. Something about it really pulled at me...so it's a possiblity we will have to look at after the next (and last) IVF. Maybe, given the awful child abuse stats down here in NZ it would be best to foster (with a view to permanent adoption) and give a child a home he/she would otherwise not have? Lots to work through there, but something about that ad did speak to me.

Right. Dinner at our favourite Thai restaurant shortly before DH deserts me in the morning and leaves me caring for our menagerie!

I love Harry Potter...and my naturopath

Have just spent a very happy few hours reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. No spoilers for those who have not read it yet, but it was awesome. I finished it with a strange feeling of sadness that the series is over - I'm going to miss the excitement of getting the next Harry and finding out what happens next!

And I love my naturopath. This may be too much info for some of my readers (i.e. those who know me in real life) but one thing my naturopath was concerned about was my lengthy, heavy and painful periods. I am happy to report that this month - a 28 day cycle as opposed to my normal 26 days - no pain, no cramps, no heaviness. I've hardly even noticed it was that "time of the month"! Back to see him next week and I think he will be pleased.

It's been a wet and rainy weekend - perfect for Harry Potter reading, and seeing "This is New Zealand" - a movie made in 1969 to promote New Zealand at the 1970 Osaka Expo. Rather funny in parts - there seemed to be an emphasis on strip clubs for some reason - but also lovely to see some of the gorgeous places that NZ has to offer. That was followed by a hearty beef stew back here with our mate Muzz, and then bananas cooked in sugar, cointreau and spices. Yummm! I love winter cooking...

Oh and the first week of the new treadmill has been great - I've clocked up 35kms between dog walking and treadmill walking, so I'm definately getting a good workout :-)

Regular Readers...

I just returned from lunch to find my two favourite co workers eating their salads, and reading my blog. They obviously have too much time on their hands, but did ask me to say hello and give them their fleeting moment of fame!

So...Kiri (aka wonderwoman) and Aasta (aka punkgirl), please consider yourself famous. For now anyway!

And thanks for the hugs and support. Really. Oh and the almost constant abuse, teasing and general nuttiness!

A whole month...

A whole month has passed since my last post! Where does the time go? We've had a busy wee time - some awful weather, so it's been muddy wet dogs and muddy wet me! Katie, the retriever, loves mud and water so most walks end up with her being hosed off. Jack, the lab, doesn't really like water and mud very much but will follow Katie - and he HATES being hosed. It's about the only time he makes any noise...pathetic whimpers while you shower him. He had his wee op last week and is all fine, and should now officially be called Jill as he hasn't got any balls anymore!

On Sunday I watched Rupes (the hubby) and Murray (the mate) run a half marathon. It was Rupe's first and he ran it in 1 hour, 58 minutes and 5 seconds! I was waiting by the beach when they were finishing and thought at first I had missed seeing Murray run past - but no, Rupes had actually beaten him. He's awfully chuffed with himself and I will not mention that Murray has about a decade in age on him! A group of them are off down to Taupo in a couple of weeks to run another half marathon (isn't one enough!!!) but I shall be staying at home and having a quiet weekend with the dogs and cats...

Given the weather and the amount of running hubby is doing, we bought a treadmill. On Friday I went out to pick it up from near the airport - it was in a HUGE box, and I ended up driving home (in rush hour traffic) with my knees up around my ears and about an inch of space between me and the steering wheel! However, despite that painful drive, it is a great treadmill and I got quite enthusiastic on Saturday and even did a few little runs on it. It was pitiful that I was the one hobbling and complaining my legs hurt on Sunday while the boys had just finished a 21km run! Oh well, everyone has got to start somewhere. Unfortunately the dogs won't run on it so we'll have to keep walking them - despite the rain and wind! I tried popping Jack on it but he just rolled off the end...quite funny really!

On the fertility front, nothing to report. Still taking my herbs, trying to eat well, exercise, etc...and am still looking at September for our cycle. Some days I feel quietly calm about the whole thing, and other days I am in the depths of despair. It's interesting though, even when I am feeling serene and calm, I get a jolt of grief and realise that yes, I am going to be so very sad if it doesn't work. And from there lies despair...and then natural optimism kicks back in and I am back to calm and serene! On the days of despair I hate to watch the news, just in case there is a neglected baby, or a starving African child, or a child abuse case - those make me think the whole world is terribly unfair and usually lead to tears. It's strange when you are the infertile person, how personally you take any news about babies or young children. I want to go out there and pick up all those children who are being treated badly and take them home with me!

Oh...and this weekend is a very exciting one - Harry Potter is being released. We'll be there at 11am picking up our books (we have to have one each, saves fights!) and I am planning a very quiet weekend of reading. I promise not to spoil it for anyone!

Lazy Weekend...

Well, the boy had to fly down to Christchurch for the weekend - partly work, and a good chance to see his parents and their new house. I've been a bit under the weather this week with a flu bug, so I have had a very lazy weekend. Lots of curling up and reading, naps, and apart from a coffee with some friends yesterday, I haven't left the house. Of course, the dogs have had their walks and play at the park, and the bed was just a little crowded last night, me, two dogs and two cats all snoozing happily. My only excuse was that it was a very cold night!

A friend of ours is also doing IVF, and this would have been her second cycle. Her husband mentioned it to Rupes the other day, that they had stopped the cycle - but gave no reason. I called her and left a message saying I was really sorry, that cancelled cycles basically suck, and to call if she wanted to talk. So, imagine my surprise when she called back to tell me that the treatment was stopped as she was pregnant! Naturally pregnant! Look Mum no drugs! She's coming up on 8 weeks and I am crossing everything for her that she has a totally boring 7 months ahead of her. I guess the doctors don't know it all...and there is always a chance of conception without IVF...that's a hopeful thought.

In blog land a blogger I adore is having a rough time. If you get the chance, pop over and give her some comments and support - she's a neat lady, and deserves an easier ride than she is getting...

http://mrsnegative.blogspot.com/

I'm crossing my fingers...and sending good Kiwi vibes to her.

Apart from the flu, I am feeling pretty good. Just a bit tired, and I am really not enjoying the cold weather - it makes me want to hibernate. The dogs are a great excuse and reason to get out in the fresh air and freeze my tootsies off, and they enjoy their park time so much. Last night there were 13 dogs at the park - everything from chihuahuas to german shepherds. Much fun was had by all.

That's about it - no major news. Hope everyone out there is well and happy.

The Blog Crawl

When nothing much is happening in my life, I do the blog crawl. I've got a list of blogs I visit - folks I have come to know through their blogs, their IF challenges, and right now a lot of them are pregnant. It's so very cool - and in my newsgroup (alt.infertility.primary) I've watched and lurked while one and then another and then another "graduate" to the next stage. I read about their scans, and how big they are getting - and it's hopeful. It's a funny thing - I feel sad sometimes, just at the instant I hear someone is pregnant, and then I feel hopeful that maybe, just maybe, I might be next. And I love seeing them post pics of their baby bumps!

So, I am still taking the naturopath stuff. Ugh. The taste of the liquid stuff does NOT get any better - and each morning and evening you'll hear a gagging noise in the kitchen as I swallow my spoonful and follow it up with four or five shots of yoghurt to soothe my burning throat and take away the taste. Even hubby says yuck as he can smell it! Haven't noticed any major changes as yet, though I am feeling a wee bit more energetic, though we had a late night last week at a work function, and I definately don't get over hangovers the way I used to when I was young!

In other news, Jack is great. He is sleeping through the night (although I do get a cold wet lab nose on my face when he tries to get up on the bed in the wee small hours!). Katie is lovely as always but embarrassed me at the park the other day by going nuts and barking at a man in a hat. Note to self - wear a hat around the house in the evenings so she gets used to it. It's been pretty cold so the cats are sneaking back inside - though our big cat, Dream, does NOT like Jack and he has been the victim of several swipes for just sitting somewhere! Hubby is still running lots and has a couple of half marathons coming up. Sorry, but you just could not get me outside in this cold weather wearing shorts and a singlet. Rent me a treadmill though, and I'll be as happy as Larry - whoever he was.

Oh and for my Kiwi audience, and you read it here first: Team NZ, now the winner of the Louis Vuitton Cup and with the right to challenge Alinghi from Switzerland for the America's Cup, will win. I am picking a final score of 5-2, so watch this space!

Finally, in the "oh my gosh what a nice thing to do" category, one of my workmates (she has a gorgeous wee girl, and last year when I was doing my IVF we were trying to get preggers together) told me that she has nominated me for a competition run by a radio station - $10k in cash and lots of baby goodies for a pregnant, or trying to get pregnant mother. She thinks it's positive thinking - I just thought hmmm...that could pay for another IVF! It's a lovely thing to do, even if I don't win (and if I do, I promise to slip her some of the nappies!)

Update At Last

Firstly - I apologise for my absence. Life has been going well - I've just been uncertain as to where we are heading. And of course, with the new house, selling the old one, year end financials at work, plus our new puppy (meet Jack our new gorgeous black lab), well, things have been rather busy. Jack and Katie have wonderful times together, and it's surprising how little extra work he makes (apart from the odd accident!)

So...where are we at? Well, we went to see a new specialist last month. I had procrastinated for a long time as I was pretty sure the answer was going to be negative. You know how you set yourself up for disappointment? I had done a lot of grieving before I even saw the doctor, so when he said he thought we had a chance using a different protocol...well, the tears flowed. Quite embarrassing really, how quick I am to burst into tears these days.

So, the new protocol is an antagonist treatment - as far as I understand that means they don't suppress my system with birth control pills first, but just give me large doses of the stimulant. Then a scan at six days and if all looks good, we go ahead and add the antagonist injections into the mix. Apparently 60% of women who don't respond well to the standard protocol respond better with this version, and again, with three good embryos my chances are about 25%.

The good thing about this treatment is that if we get to day six and there is poor response, then we only pay for the drugs used so far - which does make it a little less daunting financially. And if we get to day six and the response is good, then I am happy to flush some more money down my tubes!

On the strength of that, and several very strong recommendations, I saw a naturopath yesterday. I've always been a bit of a sceptic, but am at the point where I want to do everything I can to give this the best chance of success. I left his office definately a sceptic no longer. First he looked at my hands, my skin, my nails, and my tongue. Then he checked out my eyes and told me I have an irritable left ovary (yes) an irritable bowel (definately yes), lower back problems (absolutely) and am highly stressed (well, I'm an accountant, that happens!). He told me all of this before he even knew what I was there for, or any of my history. I was pretty stunned. So, an hour later, after a long chat about various things I should be doing (diet, what not to eat, etc) I left his office with a few bottles of pills to help get my body ready.

So...tomorrow morning, I start my day with potions and herbs. I'm quite excited...he tells me I will see the change very quickly (I guess I have to expect a detox period but will take it easy for the next few days). And, again, it feels good to be doing something.

So, the story is not over yet folks - and for those who have complained about my lack of posting, I apologise again. I've felt so uncertain about the direction we should go in - I long for a baby, and just can't bring myself to give up, but at the same time I don't want to try if it means certain failure. I have some hope. And that's enough to be going on with.

Yawwwnnnnn....

Nope, not cos I am bored, but because I am tired! We moved to our new house on the weekend, spent Saturday unpacking, and then three days back at our old place finishing it up and getting it ready to go on the market. All good fun - but all very very tiring! In addition, we are having a spell of muggy steamy weather, and it's just unpleasant. On the good side, our new place is great. We haven't had an awful lot of time here, but what we've had we have definately liked. There's something a wee bit magic about this house, despite all it's faults. I feel very peaceful here :-)

Of course, having three days off to move and renovate has left me a wee bit behind at work, but I should be caught up by the end of the week. I get the feeling this is going to be a very busy year at the office, it's certainly starting out that way, so I think I shall have to be very careful about how I organise my time. This weekend we have probably one more day of work at our old place, before we can spend two lovely days (it's a long weekend here) playing at the new one. Nice thought!

I've been thinking a lot about babies. My workmate has just had the most gorgeous wee girl, and seeing photos of her makes me think about it. Lots. Like I ever really stopped thinking about it huh? So, I think the plan of action will be to get through till the end of February - I have a week in Australia for work, my birthday (the big 40 ugh) and the auction of our old house, and then we start planning again. One more IVF - but this time definately assisted by acupuncture and a naturopath - I have two really strong recommendations of guys to see, so that's encouraging. I have this feeling that if we don't try once more, we'll always regret it...and what is life for but taking chances?

On the other side of our life, Katie is ... well she is driving us nuts. We have the terrible two's in dog years. When she is good she is very very good and when she is bad she is horrid. It's quite funny in a way - you tell her off and she wags her cute little tail at you and it's very hard to stay stern. Somehow, giggling when you are telling her off doesn't quite cut it! Mostly she is good, but she seems to get these moods where she just goes a little nutso. I know she'll get over it, but it is a bit wearing right now with both of us being so tired. The cats were a bit freaked out by the move, but have gradually worked their way out of "their" room and have had their first outside excursion tonight. And they came back, so that's all good! They must like the food!

Over and out for now - this must be the most boring blog of all time, but hopefully we'll get some good IVF action going soon!

Happy Christmas From Katie (and the Hedgehog)

Happy Christmas all. May 2007 be filled with good things, dreams come true, new dreams and peaceful times. 

The 70's Christmas Party

Here we are, all ready to go. Ponch from Chips and Agnetha from Abba. A great night - though I was rather ill the next day! It was kind of nice in some ways not to be thinking about IVF and to be able to just get out there and party on down. And I certainly did that! 

Egg Donor Update

Well...time for an update! It's been a busy time with arranging finance and valuations for our new house, figuring out what we need to finish at our old house so we can sell it in the New Year, and work has been crazy busy! And of course, the silly season is starting, so work parties, friends parties and Christmas shopping has to be done. Thank goodness Christmas is only once a year!

When Nic had her first blood test her FSH level was slightly high. This is the "ovarian reserve" measurement, and as it was high, they decided to repeat the test and also do a scan. The scan showed that Nic, when stimulated, would probably only produce 5-7 eggs. The same amount I produced in my own last cycle with only one ovary. I'm so grateful she went through the tests and scan for us, but we've decided not to use an egg donor and try again with my own eggs. I think Nic is relieved (and I know I would be) not to have to do all those injections! But the offer she made was so wonderful I can't help but appreciate it, and we do thank them from the bottom of our hearts.

So. Where to next? Well, we've decided to have a break of a month or two while we get everything done we need to, and Christmas out of the way. Not to mention moving to our new place, and selling this one! Then, I am seeing a new doctor who uses a slightly different protocol of drugs which may have a good result in me. If we then decide to go ahead with him, I'll be adding acupuncture and naturopathy to the mix, in the hope of producing some great eggs, and being able to hold onto them after transfer. This is definately our last shot, and right now I feel comfortable with that. I can't say I'm resigned to never being a mother - I'm not sure that hurt will ever fade if we don't have a good result, but I'm practical enough to know that we have to stop at some point and get on with living with what we have.

So, that's the news. And now it's time to get outside, strip the windowframe, fill the holes and repaint it :-)

The view from our new house!

This is probably the main reason we love it. It's so private and quiet and we get to look out on our own wee jetty from our front deck.

In further news, Nicole, our potential egg donor, had her scan on Friday so we are getting to the stage of making decisions. We all have to see the counsellors at the clinic, so that's the next thing on our list of things to do (after arranging all the finance for this wee purchase!) 

Our new house

I've been quiet with the blogging lately - lots of things in the pipeline but they are all taking some time to come to fruition. Not to mention being very busy - work is flat out, and the silly season is nearly on us.

Still, we managed to find time today to buy this house. It's very near to where we live now, and we just love it. It's in a great spot overlooking the upper estuary (water access at high tide) and with four bedrooms it gives us a little more room to move. 

The Gift

Sometimes, when all seems a bit bleak and hard, someone offers you a gift. We've been struggling with the thought of giving up, but the reality is that with only one working ovary, and being nearly 40, our chances of a successful IVF are much diminished. At the highest doses of Gonal F that NZ doctors will give me, I still only made five eggs, and of those only two were really viable for transfer.

There is a saying it takes a village to raise a child - and perhaps in our case it takes a village to MAKE a child. So, when we had dinner with our friends Garry and Nicole a few weeks ago, and Nicole offered to be our egg donor, I knew we had been offered a gift. And one that we couldn't refuse. No matter what happens, we will always be so grateful that they were willing to do this for us. Rupert has known Garry and Nic for 20 years or so, and I've known them for eight, and I immediately felt comfortable with the idea of using Nic's eggs.

Basically, the reasons I felt comfortable were: Nic and Garry have completed their family and have two gorgeous little girls. As I said, we've known them a long time and have a good communication with them so any potential problems can be sorted out early. And, Nic has similar colouring to me so as not to make it immediately obvious that any child I carry is not mine! Also, Nic has followed and supported me through our two previous attempts, so she actually knows what is required and how the drugs and injections can affect you.

Under NZ law, Nicole has to have testing which she is undergoing now, and then both sets of couples have mandatory counselling appointments. Then, all being well, in about three months Nic will have another test run, and again, all being well, the IVF cycle starts. But this time, instead of me injecting myself, Nic will be injecting herself and stimulating her ovaries to produce as many eggs as possible, which will then be retrieved, fertilised in the lab with Rupert's sperm, and then implanted into me. I'll be on some kind of hormone treatment to get me in "sync" with Nic's cycle, and then progrestrone after implantation to assist any pregnancy.

It's not a done deal yet - we have a ways to go as far as testing and approvals go, but I think the most important thing Nic and Garry have given us right now is hope. I was very much struggling with the thought of spending another rather large amount of money on my own ungrateful ovary, and seeing a similar result to last time. At least this way, with Nic's eggs, we have a better chance of getting more eggs, and therefore, more chance of a pregnancy.

So. That's where we are at...and for those folks in our "real life" who are reading this, please, ask us any questions you may want to. You're part of our village and we would rather talk this through with you than have you having reservations or concerns we don't know about. There may be days when your help is needed - particularly when Nicole is undergoing the injections and running around having scans and blood tests. We'd love you all to be part of this if you would like to - the same as you have been part of it when Rupert and I were doing it alone.

For those in my "virtual world" - your support is appreciated. Thanks for all the emails and comments - while things will be a little quiet around here for a few months, I'll be updating as stuff happens (or not)...

To Nicole and Garry - thank you. We appreciate your love and willingness and courage and empathy more than we can say.

Paula and Rupert

Action Shot

Racing up the garden! All is well in our neck of the woods, Katie is definately ruling the household, but we are also managing to get a lot of chores and tidying up around the house done on the weekends...

As for baby plans, developments coming soon. Watch this space - but not that closely as it may be a wee while! 

Rupert and Skippy

Rupes making a new friend. I always knew he had a thing for Aussies! 

She's getting bigger!

Katie (and my knee) - at six months of age, she was 21.2kgs - and trust me, that is a heavy dog when you have to lift her into the back of the car. The back garden is now Katie proof, so she can play out there to her hearts content - though with her digging skills we do need to keep an eye on her!

She "helped me" with planting renga renga lilies yesterday - I trimmed them, laid them all out, and worked my way along till I realised a few were missing. They were planted, teethmarks and all! 

Paula The Quokka Hunter

This is a Quokka - on Rottnest Island. They are pretty tame there, and this one was hanging around our table at the Dome Coffee Shop. I finally downloaded the pics off my camera from Perth today - and this was one of them. Rupes took to calling me "Paula the Quokka Hunter" as I couldn't get enough of the cute wee things!

We've had a couple of really good productive weekends in the garden, clearing away lots of mess, putting in hose connections down at the vege garden, planting lots of seeds, marigolds under the trees out the front, and planting up my double concrete laundry tub with strawberries. Yumm. Can't wait for those babies to fruit. We've been steadily picking and eating fresh broad beans, and have spinach and rhubarb in abundance. I've planted out a lot of tomatoes, cherry and roma, and eggplants, watermelon, rockmelon, carrots, salad greens and radishes. Hopefully a good Christmas crop!

It's been nice to get some things done - and the very long list is steadily being ticked off. I think I am in a "nest building" phase - it's just nice to spend some time at home without worrying about treatments or IVF or feeling rotten/sad/down! But, we do have some options ahead of us, and all will be revealed soon. 

Poor hubby

I haven't been blogging much lately - mainly as nothing has really happened! We are still thinking about the way forward - the options available, be they adoption, fostering, another IVF cycle etc. I don't feel ready to give up yet on the dream of having a child, so hopefully we will have a decision soon.

In the meantime, for your amusement, my husband's workmate sent me this photo, with a note asking if I know the contact details of the driver! Yes, hubby left his handbrake off and his car in neutral, and it quietly rolled across a busy main road and into a ditch that had just been dug that morning. Needless to say, Rupes is NOT living this one down. Good news is the damage was only a smashed indicator which cost $40 to replace - this is one car that just won't die, no matter what he does to it!

Katie was spayed a week ago - she was very groggy on the Friday night I brought her home, but has recovered really well and only has one more week of walks only before she can get back to playing with her doggy mates at the park. She and the cats are still trying to find the balance that suits them - not always easy when Katie goes into puppy mode and bounces around barking at them! Hopefully as she gets older, and slower, they'll reach an understanding!

Holiday Photo 5

Cat and I at the entrance to Lake Cave. While we saw some amazing things over in Western Aussie, one really good part of the trip was spending some time with my very cool sister in law. We've always had a long distance relationship, with a couple of short meetings, so it was fun to really get to know her.

And of course, spending time with Rupert. I think we really needed the break and we had a great time together.It's nice to be home again though - and you should see how Katie has grown since we were away! 

Holiday Photo 4

Down in Lake Cave, near Margaret River, where we spent a very enjoyable weekend. Cat took us to a few wineries (including one called Xanadu, for those who know me well enough to know my Olivia Newton John fandom!) It's a lovely area - we bought/tried/ate/drank a number of yummy things - wine, coffee, liqeuer, venison, bread, sheep's cheese...all of it good.

300 steps down into Lake Cave, and 300 back out. We did the Leeuwin Lighthouse with another few hundred steps and worked off all that tasting! 

Holiday Photo 3

One of our favourite days - Rottnest Island. We walked miles that day, around probably one of the most beautiful places I have ever been. Rupes even went up for a scenic flight, while I made friends with the Quokka's - small rat like wallaby things. I'd like to have brought one home! 

Holiday Photo 2

Me (left) and Cat at Araluen Botanical Gardens. Cat was an amazing host - lovely dinners, all the good places to go in Perth and beyond, and a great library for bed time reading! Thanks Cat, see you at Christmas! 

Holiday Photos

Just a few I promise! Here's me meeting the wildlife on a golf course (thanks to our intrepid tourguide Cat, who managed to save us from being run down by the evil golf cart driving woman telling us off!) 

Holiday Time...

The last few weeks have been busy - which has helped some with the sadness and grief and thinking about what to do next. I feel like I really need this break before we make any decisions, so am rather looking forward to getting on the plane tomorrow and heading off for some fun and laughter and sun and shopping and eating and of course, a fair bit of wine!

I'll post a couple of photos when we get back in two weeks time, and may even blog a little from Perth if I can get it working! In the meantime, all of you out there in blog world and my real world, take care and don't work too hard :-)

By the way - today is our six year wedding anniversary. He's a keeper, that's for sure, so I figure we'll be aimng for seven years married.

Another Shot...

We had two stumps remaining on either side of the plum tree, so rather than having them ground out I painted terracotta pots to match the fence and planted them up with flowers.

It means I can change the colours each season (and I've got nowhere else to plant pretty annuals so it's perfect)... 

A finished project...

Well, almost...a few more plants to go in over the next few months! But this replaces a hideous low concrete fence with a bark covered, clay, strip garden. It was a pretty hard slog this weekend - three cubic metres of compost to move and contour, but it looks so pretty now it's finished.

It's nice to have things like this to do, and see completed. This particular project has probably been in progress for around six months - digging out the garden shape and all the crap clay soil, pulling out and smashing the concrete fence (with help from friends!), having the fence built and then painting it. And then finally, the chance to spend the garden vouchers I've been saving for the last two years. So, next weekend we fly to Perth for our holiday, and then back to see how the garden has grown since we've been away! 

The Letter

I feel like I've been coping with the sadness and grief pretty well. I've had my tears, on and off, but mostly have just been trying to work through it all and think of our options. Until tonight that is, when I got home to find the letter. It was written by my infertility specialist to my general doctor, and a copy was sent to me. Here is the gist of it:

"We are sorry to tell you that Paula has just completed an unsuccessful private IVF cycle with us. She required large doses of FSH (412.5 IU/day) and five eggs were retrieved on 6th August. Three embryos were transferred but she did not conceive. Her follicles grew at a slower rate than expected and were all from the left ovary. Paula is hugely disappointed. She is unlikely to try IVF again, which is understandable as this recent cycle demonstrates how difficult it has been for her to produce sufficient egg numbers."

IF blogworld - I need your help.

Were you ever on Gonal F? If so, what was your daily dose and what was the result - i.e. egg numbers, fertilisation rates. If Gonal F did not work for you, was there another stim drug that you were prescribed? Did any of you self medicate and not tell your doctor? Did any of you have a non working ovary that you somehow kick started back into life? I need YOUR stories...

You see...reading that letter, I felt the whole agony over again. But if I could find a way to improve my egg count (acupuncture, more drugs, etc) then I would have to seriously look at trying again. I just can't quite give up on this dream yet. I can't let go of the desire and the yearning to be a mother.

The birthday boy

Rupes turned 36 today - he's getting old :-)

We had a really nice day. A combined housewarming/birthday party at a friend's place last night, then Katie woke us up very early (not so great after a late night). We managed to grab a few more hours sleep after we gave in and let her come on the bed with us! Then we watched the replay of the All Blacks thrashing South Africa, then off to Allely House for lunch. We got married there nearly six years ago so it was nice to go back and have a relaxing meal. Yummy food too. Then we drove up to Kaukapakapa where I used to live, then to the airfield to watch the planes (I gave Rupes a voucher for a flight for his birthday which he can use later), then coffee at my boss' place and then home.

We are doing ok as far as the failed IVF goes - the sadness is still there for both of us, but we are toying with the idea of maybe doing another cycle early next year. We'll see - and we won't be making any decisions for a while. We need a break and a rest from all the emotional upheaval before we can really see clearly what we want.

Whatever happens, it was nice spending a day together. It was nice to know that after nearly eight years we still have that connection and bond and sense of humour that joins us.

Happy birthday Rupert!

Moving on...

We're moving through some of the grief - but very slowly. It's been a beautiful time in some ways - the caring hugs and support from so many folks, both internet buddies and real life friends and family. It's been hard too, because by being so open about this whole process it seems like EVERYONE we know, knows about it. I don't regret being open though - I think it's important on many different levels. Some folks will go away with a better understanding of infertility and those struggling with it, others will think about starting their families earlier just in case, and next time there is lobbying for more Government funding more folks might feel they want to have some input.

I've cried so much in the last few days I've made myself ill. I had to apologise to my neighbour, who's five year old boy was in our garden on Sunday and ran home upset after he heard me sobbing when the phone call came in. Luckily, she knew what was going on so was able to reassure him. I think my work colleagues are getting used to seeing me in floods of tears whenever someone else comes in to say they are sorry.

I think it's hard for Rupert - he takes care of me, and I worry that he isn't able to have a good cry (or ten) like me and let it all out. He has been so wonderful - allowing me to sob and rail and keen, and go to bed at 7pm. We both feel a little numb today - and are going through that whole "what's the point" feeling. Somehow the normal things that occupy our time, and work life, don't seem that important anymore. I've been there before, and I know it passes, but grieving does take time no matter what the loss.

Earlier in the year we used the last of Rupe's airpoints to book a trip to Perth next month. If I had fallen pregnant, we were going to cancel it - I didn't want to travel that early on, especially after being in the US in December 2004 when we lost our baby. But, we've decided to go on this trip as it's all paid for, and I think it's been a good distraction for Rupes to do the chores - booking a place at the kennel for Katie, organising travel insurance, etc. Right now I can't say I am looking forward to it, or anything else very much, but I am sure the break and the time together will do us good.

So...we keep going. We are both busy at work which helps, and then we come home to our wee cocoon and take care of each other. Katie keeps us smiling, and the cats are always ready for a cuddle. I have no idea what we will do next - which of the options that might be open to us we will pursue, but that's ok. Right now we just need to grieve and heal up from this.

Thank you all for your caring and support. Oh, and if you have a moment on Sunday, feel free to drop Rupert a line for his birthday. I'd hoped to give him a better present, but it wasn't to be.

It's over...

It's been the day from hell. I woke up at 4.30am and did my pee on a stick test...negative. Even though I expected that, it still hurt like crazy. My lovely buddies from the US called later and I cried and talked with them for a while (thanks girls, love ya). Then we drove out to the blood test clinic at 8.30am, then back home for more crying and some weeding in the garden to try and kill some time. Half an hour ago at 12.30, the clinic rang and confirmed my beta was negative.

I don't know how to explain how gut wrenching that was. I know we'll heal, but knowing that was our last chance and any dreams of parenthood are over is agonising. Rupert has been a darling through this awful day, but he is hurting the same as I am. It's hard to comfort him when I hurt so badly.

It's a dark dark place. I know I'll see the light sometime, but right now it just hurts to be me.

No regrets though. We gambled close to $12,000 and lost...but I would do it again in a heartbeat for another chance. But, the head sometimes has to overrule the heart - and given my age, limited response to the drugs and only one ovary producing eggs, the gamble is just too big to try again.

Thanks all. Best wishes to those who are still trying - I hope your dreams come true.

The Long Long Wait...

The waiting is killing me! It just seems to be taking forever to get to testing day (Sunday). My moods have been interesting - last night I was very tired, a bit down and sad, and convinced that I wasn't pregnant at all. Today, my mood was back up a little and I feel hopeful again.

I think for me the hardest part of this waiting time is not knowing! If I am not pregnant, how will I cope with the realisation that I will never be a mother? Never see my body changing, or that scan showing my baby inside me. Never see my husband's face as the baby is born and he sees his child for the first time. That I will never breastfeed, never see those first steps, hear those first words. Never see the child go to kindy, or the first day of school. All those experiences that I thought would be mine, just gone in an instant. And for my husband - as we grow old together, how will he feel? Will he resent me for not being younger, for not being ready to start trying sooner? Right now I know he doesn't, and I feel very loved and secure, but I worry about 10 or 20 years down the track. How will we adjust to the certainty of a life without a child of our own?

I do know that life will go on if the outcome is negative, and that we can still build a good and useful life together. There are other options which would be open to us which we wouldn't be able to do otherwise - live overseas, do volunteer work, study, change careers, foster or adopt, travel etc. I'd happily trade all those options for a baby of our own though.

So, for now I wait. And wait. And hope that maybe we will be blessed.

Thank You...

It's just over a week to go till the first Beta and I wanted to say some thank you's before I get to that point. Whether that result is positive or negative, whether that is the end of the road for us, or just the start of a new journey, there are so many folks who have been such a support for me over the past few months.

Firstly of course, my DH, who is the best man in the world. Nearly eight years together and it just keeps on getting better. And he has put up with the mood swings, the tears, the outright bitchiness and taking on the majority of the workload here at home while I rest. I can't actually put into words just how amazing he is. I'm a very lucky girl.

Family and friends - I've been so grateful for the text messages, emails, phone calls and hugs. At first I wondered whether having everyone in my "real" life knowing about this was a good idea - but I am so glad I shared it with you all. Mum - thanks for your support. Dad, the emails really helped. My family-in-law- thank you! Cat, if we don't make it to Perth you'll understand right? Friends both here in New Zealand and overseas (hey Kelly and Lori) who have read my blog, and then called me to talk about what was posted! Mates who have understood when I didn't feel up to going out, or was asleep at their house at 9pm.

My work colleagues have been amazing, covering for me, sending me home when I looked teary or tired, and always checking in to see how things are going. The wee gifts and the hugs really made all this so much easier. My awesome boss, who has cut me the slack I needed to get all this done. I won't mention all the names as I am sure to leave someone out! I am so lucky to work in such a great group of offices, with such a neat group of people. Rupe's workmates who have been lovely as well - thanks to you.

The new friends I have made at alt.infertility.primary - some of whom have had disappointments this month, and one of whom is pregnant right now! Seriously, if you are reading this and you need somewhere to talk about your own infertility or treatments, go hang out there. I learned so much from those wise, encouraging and supportive ladies. Special thanks and hugs to Yellowgirl, Butterflyluvr, Kams, KAC Keeping the Faith, Leighann, Christy...I know there are more but those are the main ones :-)

And the bloggers. I first came across a blog by a New Yorker named Julie called www.alittlepregnant.com and was completely blown away by her story, and her style! Since then, I have found many blogging friends and have enjoyed reading about their journeys and having their encouragement and wisdom during mine. I'm going to list some of my favourite blogs below - if I have missed you out please know it was lack of space rather than not valuing you!

Meri-ann https://impatientpatient.wordpress.com/ ooh and she's the "P-word"
Ellie http://heyellie.blogspot.com/ who never fails to leave nice comments
StellaNova http://stellanova-onastar.blogspot.com/ who is anxiously awaiting her beta too
Soralis http://soralis.blogspot.com/ who has IVF twins and wants to try again! Good for you!
Keeping the Faith http://kacastello.blogspot.com/ who has been a lovely commenter even through her own very hard times.

There are so many others...but I wanted to mention those here because they are blogs I have found most helpful.

Lastly, the cats Sandy and Dream, and puppy Katie. You may not have known why Mummy needed a cuddle right at that moment, or needed to laugh at what you were doing, or even why I needed to make you be quiet so I could nap...but I promise you, if this works, you are just gonna LOVE your new housemate. Really. I won't let him/her pull your tails I promise...

Thanks all!

The Claustrophic Puppy

Katie has a kennel. As you can see, it comes in two parts...the roof clicks on to the base. When just the base is there, Katie loves it. It's her toy box and her bed all in one. But when the roof is attached, suddenly it's a big scary dark place.

DH decided the only way to get her comfy in her kennel was to get in there himself. Note her back legs aren't inside. And right now she is curled up ON THE FLOOR because the big scary dark roof is too much for her.

She's so cute. But so neurotic.

""""UPDATE""""

Me spending the day throwing treats and toys into the kennel and hubby getting in there with her worked! She slept in her kennel last night with the roof on!

Incredibly Lazy...

Well, this is my third day off work since the transfer. I have been very very lazy - snoozing, reading, watching movies, doing a little folding of washing and spent a happy hour packing all of my IVF junk away and returning my dresser to a state of niceness rather than a drug dispensary!

As DH posted, the transfer went well, and apart from being a little uncomfortable it was painless. It was neat to see our embryos on the big screen, and the embryologist gave us a good rundown on what would happen - implantation will probably occur tomorrow if it does, so I shall be diagnosing every twinge!

I've felt really tired - I think partly it's finally stopping and resting after all the rush, the injections, the appointments, the stress, and the retrieval which has taken me a week to get over! Also, the progesterone is making me feel quite yucky.

For those not schooled in the ways of IVF let me explain. In a normal pregnancy the follicle the egg leaves behind then starts to make the hormone to prepare your body for pregnancy. In the case of IVF, this follicle is sucked out with the egg, so there is nothing to make the hormone. So, you get to add this hormone artificially - in my case, two suppositories three times a day. Some of my unlucky friends get to to do shots in the butt, so I consider myself blessed!

However, the side effects of progrestrone mimic exactly the feelings of early pregnancy. Tender breasts, a little nausea, some bloating. Which is why women doing this never trust their body's symptoms before they do their first pregnancy blood test. We kinda hope though!

Other than that, I am feeling fine. Katie has enjoyed snoozing with me in the afternoons on the bed, carefully separated from one or both cats by my legs. DH has been a marvel, cooking, tidying, and generally making sure I rest.

Oh and a funny thing...if you click on the photo of the embryos from Wednesday you can see sperm hanging around the outside of the big embryo. Late to the party I guess, and trying to find a way in! They probably stopped off at the bar on the way to the egg, and didn't quite make it in time :-)

Right. Snooze time. Thanks so much for all the messages...I am so heartened by both friends and complete strangers giving encouragement. I'm trying to stay very calm about all this and know that what will be, will be. That may change as the dreaded two week wait starts to do my head in!

They're In!

Well the deed was done this morning and 3 embryos were transferred, one 7 cells, one 4 cells and 1 of just 2 cells, which while they weren't going to transfer it, it seemed to be no harm in trying - who knows it might be the one! We got to watch the four cell start to divide on the big screen.

To the left is a pic of the larger two embryos

Paula was very brave and it was quite a relief after everything over the last few weeks that we've now completed the first part of the journey.

Cheers
Rupert (The DH)

Down to Three

One of our embryos developed some abnormalities over night so we are down to three now. If they decide to use all three, that's it - everything riding on this one transfer with no back up. I feel quite sad about my little embie, but I am glad we still have the tree remaining. I woke up this morning worrying about them...felt like I should be there taking care of them (which is terribly silly but that's how I felt!)

Transfer at 8.30am tomorrow morning.

Thanks everyone for the comments, emails and texts - it really makes such a difference to know we aren't alone!

Tears and Laughter

The call from the embryologist just came. And four out of the five eggs fertilised!!! I did the happy dance around the office!!! I was hoping for two, three at most, so we are completely rapt. Well done DH!!!!

Transfer on Wednesday afternoon, then bed rest the following couple of days. Feeling still pretty sore and sick from yesterday's retrieval, but the good news this morning has completely made up for that.

Hubby is taking me out for dinner tomorrow night to celebrate getting this far. We still have a long way to go, and the numbers are still against us, but right now it feels like things are going our way.

****Update****

Transfer is now first thing on Wednesday morning!

Egg Retrieval...

Well, we got to the clinic at 9 and then sat in the car reading - didn't want to be too early! I was allowed three panadol at 9am with some water, and then that was it. They took us to a room with a lazyboy armchair for me, and a wooden chair for him (glad they got their priorities right) and we read and chatted for a while while the nurse, the doctor, and the embryologist visited us at various times.

Then, just after 10am, they took me through to the wee theatre, and doc got me to run hot water over my hands to help bring up the veins so he could put the shunt thing in. That stung a bit! Then oxygen up my nose, and lovely legwarmers over my feet and calves. The doc put some sedative into my hand and I got a little bit dizzy. Then, the needle went in - up and through the side of the vaginal wall, to the ovary. The nurse stood by and applied pressure to the plastic tubing whenever he was ready, and then handed each tube over to the embryologist.

It hurt a little - sharp pains, and what felt like tugging. It was quite nice laying there though and hearing the embryologist say "one egg"..."two eggs"..."that's three" all the way up to FIVE eggs. So, for each follicle, there was an egg, and they managed to get them all. Five eggs is better than I hoped for...

Then, while I was resting, hubby went off to do his sperm donation - he said they had a couple of good magazines in there so he didn't have any problems! And an hour later, we were allowed to come home, where I am going to spend the rest of the day on the couch resting up and taking Panadol. I have a little bleeding, but nothing too bad, though apparently I may get sorer as the day goes on.

Next hurdle...fertilisation. We'll know in the morning...

Trigger tonight...(part 2 of Friday!)

Dropped by the clinic on the way home to collect my trigger shot - to be done at 10pm tonight, and retrieval is 10am on Sunday. I chose sedation rather than full anaesthetic, hopefully the recovery will be easier for me.

Today's blood test came in at 3222, and when you graph the numbers you can see it's levelling off, so that fits in with the slow growth of the follicles (see earlier post today)...

So...that's it. We are go, and no one can ever say (especially ourselves) that we didn't give it our best shot.

Will update after retrieval on Sunday, and am looking forward to NO injections tomorrow at all!

Will they...won't they???

What a day. Went for my scan only to find that two of the smaller follicles had grown 1mm each. That's pretty much unheard of given the dosage of Gonal F I have been on (412.50 per day)

So, I have a 17mm, two 15mm, a 14mm and a 12mm. The doc wasn't too happy and decided he wanted to consult with some colleagues before deciding what to do, so I drove back to work thinking/crying/worrying...

He just called and they have decided to trigger me tonight. His exact words "this is uncharted territory, you aren't responding like anyone else has, we might only get 2 eggs, and they might not fertilise". I'm glad he was honest with me, even though it hurt to hear it.

But, as he said, this is our only chance, and our last chance, so we really aren't losing anything (except $$$) by going ahead. So...we trigger tonight, retrieval on Sunday, and hopefully we will know on Monday/Tuesday whether we have any wee embryos to implant back.

I don't know what I feel. I feel heartbroken that I am resistant to the medication. Upset that despite all the stimulants I've pumped into myself we have such a poor result. Sad that only one ovary is working. Despairing when I think of the odds. But a little hopeful that maybe, just maybe, something will work for us. I am sure I'll regain some positivity soon.

Slow and steady wins the race...

That was hubby's cliche in response to today's scan. Lucky he wasn't there with me or the evil wand the doc was using may have ended up somewhere else!

So...the bad news is that we don't get to trigger today. Which means two more days of injections. Which will bring the total to around 59 injections by Friday morning. Plus 6 blood tests!

The good news...well, my follicles are evening up in size, which is nice! More of a chance of a viable egg in each, rather than one greedy follicle sucking up all the drugs and becoming a very large follicle while the poor starving tiny ones linger behind craving just a taste of Gonal F.

So, here are the stats (last measured Monday, compared with today's measurements)

Follie #1 has grown an amazing 1mm, from 16mm to 17mm
Follie #2 has put in a sterling effort of 2mm, from 13mm to 15mm
Follie #3 is my personal favourite and has grown 4mm from 10mm to 14mm
Follie #4 has done very well, up 3mm from 10mm to 13mm.
And Follie #5 who was too small to be measured on Monday, has leaped into the picture with 12mm!

More news on Friday! Hopefully we will get to trigger that night, I would really really like that! Threw up last night, and the headaches and general low grade fever is taking it's toll...but I know I can make it through another two days...

PS...I wouldn't really have used the wand on DH. Maybe just waved it at him a little!


*****UPDATE*****

Today's blood test result was 2681, up from 1850 on Monday. Nice numbers I think (though I have no idea really what they should be, but the doc is pleased with them and that makes it all ok with me!)

Blood Test Result

I decided this needed it's own post - plus I had something else to tell you!

Ok...let's have a wee recap of those numbers
Monday 227
Wednesday 530
Friday 1030
And today
Monday 1850

Nice huh?

Oh and I wanted to tell you that there were six or seven dogs at the park this afternoon, one of them a very dominant male Alsation, and our wee Katie jumped on him and completely ruled him! Including taking his tennis ball off him at one point. Yeah!

Monday's Scan

Well, we now can see five follicles on the left ovary! He didn't even bother checking the right ovary...not sure I blame him! By the way, all scans are "transvaginal" which is of course not the most pleasant thing on earth - especially when he starts pushing the wand a little hard in an effort to see past my intestines!

So, wee follies, 1 is 16mm, 1 is 13mm, 2 are 10mm, and the fifth is too small to really count. But it's there so I am counting it...

The plan is another two nights of injections, then a scan and blood test on Wednesday. Hopefully at that point the two 10mm follies will have caught up a bit with the big ones. The nurse had left out all my trigger shots for me, but they won't be needed just yet (there were a few boxes there, and I am pretty sure DH is going to have to inject me in butt...poor lad, expect tears!)

Feeling just a little more positive now...each wee hurdle overcome is one less thing to deal with later! It's nice to know they are growing (the fact I cannot wear my jeans due to my tummy being bloated was part proof, but not proof enough for me!)

Will update with today's blood test result when I get it!

Tired out and emotional...

Ahh, the hormones really hit yesterday, and I had a good cry for half an hour. DH was lovely, of course, and escaped later for an afternoon of sailing far away from all wives with Gonal F induced craziness. So, I had a couple of hours in the sun painting the fence and thinking about things in general. And then I had to come back inside as I burst into tears when I *finally* realised that this cycle is IT!

You see, I knew from my laparoscopy in February that my left fallopian tube is damaged and leaking. And from these two IVF attempts, I know that the right ovary is completely inactive. If it is actually there and hasn't moved to a more hospitable climate. So, that means that if this cycle doesn't work, then that's the end. No miracles. No "oops we got pregnant after IVF". Nothing. Nada. No chance at all. That hurt quite a lot. I think I needed time to grieve that complete loss of hope - it had always been at the back of my mind that just maybe, something would happen. And I finally figured it out that it wouldn't.

I have regained some of my positivity, out of necessity, as I know I have to get through the next few days of scans, blood tests, and hopefully an egg retrieval. So...it's not over till the fat lady sings, and I am not giving up quite yet. Will report blood test and scan results tomorrow!

Today's Scan...

Wow, what a gorgeous morning! We were awake around 5, did my morning injection at 5.45 and then DH took Katie for walk. We left here around 7.20 to go over to the hospital, where our doc met us. Ice on our car this morning, and low mist, so with the sun coming up it was just so pretty over the harbour.

The scan was much clearer, and showed three follicles, largest measuring 11.5mm on my left ovary. The right ovary is nowhere to be seen, despite repeated attempts, so it would seem that the large ovarian cyst I had removed a few years ago was the cause of it's demise. The follicles are still fairly small - they need them around 20mm to harvest them, so it's now a scanning and waiting game.

As the doc says, there is no point stopping now. We cancelled last time at this point, and I still don't regret that decision because this second cycle has proved is that my ovary is a pretty tired old thing. So, carry on with the injections, and another blood test and scan on Monday. Depending on that, possible egg retrieval at the end of next week (which suits me better than early next week!)

Can't help but feel a bit down - but we knew we could only afford to give it one shot, and give it our best shot at the same time, and while I am not ruling out success I guess I am guarding my heart a little from too much hope.

Feeling gutted...

Went in for a blood test this morning, then to see my doc for a scan. Well, not great news, he still couldn't see the right ovary, and while there are a couple of small follicles on the left ovary (he wouldn't even count them as they were hard to see and small), things aren't looking too great.

I think my doc is used to folks crying in his office, and had tissues at the ready! The upshot is that we are waiting to hear the blood test results this afternoon, and if the estrogen level rises again we will go over to the main clinic tomorrow (Saturday) for a scan using their more sophisticated scan machine and hopefully he will be able to see more, and perhaps the right ovary. So, tonight will be four injections as I am going to use up the Gonal pens that I have left over with a wee dose left in each.

I talked to him about protocols, those that I have read about from the US etc, but those treatments are not approved here in New Zealand. I am on the highest dose of Gonal that they use, and I just seem to be one of those people who don't respond well. I just feel gutted - I've had a sore tummy all week, with bloating and twinges, and had so hoped that meant that I would see a bit more action.

Will update later when I have the blood test result and the plan (if there is one) going forward.

*****Update*****

Today's blood test result is 1043 - a good double from two days ago. Does this mean while I may not have many eggs, they are good ones? Who knows...I am too weary to think about it! So...same dosage of Gonal tonight and then an 8am appointment across the other side of town from us to do the scan.

Sigh. From despair to hope again. This rollercoaster is not much fun!

Thursday...

Hubby was away last night so I did my injections all by myself! Well, I always do my injections myself, but he usually helps in preparing them and making sympathetic noises when it stings! Then it was off to Puppy School graduation. Katie's brother and sister, Darcy and Emily, were there, as well as Diesel the insanely growling (yet wimpy) spaniel, and of course Mr Biggles the tiny randy Pekinese. Katie weighed in at 14.3 kgs, heavier than her siblings, and I had a strangely proud moment, only spoiled by her pooing on the carpet! But she sat on command (eventually) and was awarded her certificate and a bunch of treats! The doting parents swapped phone numbers so I can see some play dates in her future!

I slept really well, till 4am when Dream wanted to go outside. Then 4.30 when she wanted to come back in. Then Katie decided that she wanted to come on the bed too, so I gave in at 4.40 and all the girls curled up on the bed and slept for an hour. Very cozy, I must say.

Apart from all that lovely doggy stuff, I am just hanging out for tomorrow morning, the blood test and scan that will tell me where we are at. I'm alternatively nervous, excited, and fearful, so am quite glad that today is my superbusy day at the office and I won't have too much time to dwell!

Second Blood Test Result

My level is 530 - well up from the 227 a couple of days ago, and well up from the 303 this time last cycle, and I heard those magic words from the nurse "the doctor is quite pleased with this". Ahh. Doctorial approval, makes my day. He seems to just think I am a little bit of a slow responder, and judging by the way I can drink coffee at 9pm and still sleep fine, I figure I have a bit of a cast iron system when it comes to drugs! Of course, I am down to one coffee a day now, so you would think I would have lost some resistance!

So, the plan is to run by the clinic this afternoon and pick up some more Gonal F (I've run out!) and then another blood test and a scan on Friday morning.

Apart from that, it's been an interesting day - work has gone very well, DH is away overnight so I get to be solo Mum to Katie at Puppy School graduation tonight, and apart from some family stuff (let's not go there!!!) I feel like I have got some of my calmness back about this cycle. I was dreading a result like last time, having to cancel before we even got to trigger or egg retrieval, and oh the relief of hearing that number today. There's nothing quite like knowing you have used $2500 worth of drugs and gone through all the pain, emotional turmoil and worry, possibly for nothing!

First Blood Test Result...

The Estrogen level from today's test is 227 - a bit higher than last time, but not amazing. So, back for another blood test on Wednesday, but no scan as they have decided to wait and see what the blood comes back at. Ugh. Feeling a bit down, was sure the number would be through the roof. Oh well, early days yet...

Sunday...

We woke up a bit late - I was an hour late with my morning injection! I forgot to set the alarm! Oh well, I am sure it is fine, they did say at the clinic that it was fine to err an hour or two on either side! Then I went to the office to catch up on some work while DH went to a friend's to play D and D (Dungeons and Dragons). Then we met up back at home and took Katie for a long walk in the park, where she ran around with three other big dogs - too funny. She got bowled a couple of times, but she had a great time and is now curled up in front of the fireplace chewing on her squeaky hedgehog.

Tonight's first injection was fine but the next injection was only part way in when it really started stinging, so I sent hubby into the kitchen to bring me some ice. That helped a lot! Feeling a bit sore, a bit bloated...and have had some episodes of nausea today. First blood test tomorrow morning so I am looking to see some nice big numbers! Apart from that, a quiet night ahead of us, we are both a bit tired!

Send good vibes to Butterflyluvr who is having her retrieval tomorrow!

Starting to feel it...

Last night's injections went fine - we were in the middle of cooking dinner so we put it all on simmer and popped in to the bedroom to do the shots. I did the first one, and got Rupes to prepare the Gonal for me. Then in it went, and all fine. We had a quiet night - watched a silly old movie (Dragnet, Tom Hanks was sooo cute when he was young)

Woke up at 5.35 am - my morning shots are a perfect time during the week but not so good at the weekend! Got out of bed and did my Buserelin, while DH cuddled up with Katie and told her what a brave girl Mummy was! We read for a while then he got up, so there was all the girls having a lay in - two cats, the dog and me! Luxury!

Feeling quite fluey today, and my abdomen seems a little swollen and achy. I've had the odd pain in my ovary area so I can only hope it's the ovaries reacting to the stimulation. Fingers crossed, first blood test isn't till Monday so a wee while to wait.

Here's Katie...I was holding her bone, so it wasn't really me she was looking lovingly at! We met a staffy terrier called Penny in the park yesterday so Katie got worn out running after her. Which was good, as it meant everyone (cats included) slept through the whole night, apart from me waking up at 1am to cough! 

A short fuse...

The injections are going fine - a little sore but I am gritting my teeth and just sticking it in! DH rubbed my shoulder last night while I was doing the biggie which helped. Starting to feel some side effects - very tired for a starter. We went to the mall to get groceries last night and I couldn't wait to get home and to bed! Slept right through which was lovely (thank you Katie for not barking at 3am).

Feeling a wee bit short fused though - work is really busy at the moment and I am finding it a bit tough. My typical day consists of lots of various daily pieces of work, lots of phone calls and emails, so am planning on coming in over the weekend for a half day just to get my "real work" done. I figure I'd rather have a half day here on the weekend than trying to do the accounting work in the course of a normal work day - and with the expected egg retrieval being my busiest week at the office, the more I can get done now, the less stress then!

So...tired, headachy, a bit grumpy. Gotta love IVF! First blood test on Monday so am hoping for great numbers to indicate that I am making lots of lovely follicles!

The big jab...

All day yesterday I was dreading the first big Gonal F injection. No idea why - I've done those shots before, just not injecting that much fluid. Anyway, it went totally fine, I did my small shot first and then primed up the Gonal F pen and off we went. It was a bit sore and burny afterwards, but as we had to take Katie to puppy school my mind was completely taken off it as I spent half an hour laughing at Mr Biggles (a Pekinese weighing 2 kilos) trying to mate Katie (who now weighs 13 kilos!)

The puppies graduate next week! No caps or gowns but they do get to show off their obedience skills...Katie sits and lays down mostly on command, but not when she is distracted, so we'll have to put in some good training time this week!

One thousand visitors!!!!

Wow. I'm honoured. And a little bit freaked :-)

Hope..and hoping

Well, it does feel good to be back in the injection phase again - though last night's Buserelin injection really stung. I must learn not to pull it out again when it hurts and just grit my teeth and inject it. Or I end up with an extra hole! I iced my tummy this morning before injecting which seemed to help. My skin just feels a bit tougher than last time...a bit harder to push the needle in. Still, all in a good cause!

DH and I took Katie to the park last night - it was so much fun. We met a guy who has a seven month old black lab that is in training to become a guide dog. They had a good romp around and she was all tuckered out. We had her off her leash for a while, throwing the tennis ball for her to fetch. Fetch means she should bring it back to you - ummm no. Fetch to Katie means she goes and gets the ball, runs back towards us and then at the last minute veers off and lays down a good way away. Then, if we are very lucky, and make our voices all happy and appealing, she'll run back to us. All good fun!

I've been thinking about hope this week. About how hoping against the odds sometimes seems so natural, and sometimes so hard. Right now, I feel very hopeful about this cycle. I liked my doc saying "we are throwing everything we have at it". I like the fact we have an acupuncturist on hand for the transfer, and that nothing about these injections is new and scary so I don't have to deal with that. I like the Woman's Day horoscope for Pisces this week which says

"Babies and children will fill the thoughts and dreams of many Pisceans. With creative stars powering and fertility enhanced, it's time either to take extra care or go for it!"

Funny, I never read horoscopes normally, but any sign from the cosmos out there is a good sign. It just adds into that little store of hope that I am building up, because I know I will need that little store when hope fades and I start feeling like this is a dream that may not happen.

All systems go...

Saw my doc for a scan today - there is something fairly surreal about talking with him about gardening and blogs, while he does the internal! Right ovary is still in hiding, but he thinks with the stims it will pop right out and say hello very soon. We had a wee chat about blogs and he was surprised to find out I had one, but thought it was interesting, and certainly a means of finding community and support. Still think it's strange having a conversation with a probe up there and seeing all the blobs on the screen!

Upshot is, we are good to go, and I did my first injection of Buserelin right after the scan. I think the nurse was quite impressed with my needle skills! It's just good to get this show on the road again, after the delays and uncertainty.

It's a gorgeous day here in Auckland, winter sunshine and I would love to be at home! But work calls, so I must go! Not long till home time and a walk in the park with wee Katie, before injection number 2 (and Desperate Housewives later, yaay!)

One more day...

One more scan tomorrow morning, and then I start my first injections. The Buserelin is easy - pretty tiny needle and only a tiny amount, into the tummy twice a day. On Wednesday I start the Gonal F which comes in a groovy wee pen and is a bit scarier! It will be really interesting to see the side effect from that as I am on a much higher dose than last time. I organised all my medications this morning so I have everything to hand...just hoping the scan is fine so the doc gives me the go ahead.

I spoke to an acupuncturist last week who specialises in fertility acupuncture. Really nice lady, originally from Chicago, and we had a good chat. Upshot of that is we have decided to have pre and post implantation acupuncture, which has some really good success rates. We will either go see her on the way to the hospital, and on the way back, or she will come with us and do it all there. I feel pretty good about that - although I do wonder how many more needles I will have to inflict on myself, what with all the injections and blood tests and now acupuncture. I have this image of drinking too much water and springing lots of little leaks!

Have almost shaken off this darn cough/cold/flu - we ended up having a very quiet weekend and cancelling all outings - I just felt really tired and lethargic so it was nice to have some time out. Katie has had some nice walks in the park and has been taken off her leash to play with the other dogs, she was a bit scared at first apparently but is now loving it. DH is working this afternoon so I will take her up later to enjoy some afternoon sunshine. And if you ask me what love is, I will tell you that love is DH going out on Friday night at 11.30pm to the gas station to buy me some cough medicine! What a man he is :-)

So, that's the update. Am quite looking forward to getting this show on the road, have read FAR too many blogs this weekend and have either depressed the heck out of myself or gotten all excited! Ahhh the internet...it's amazing what you can find out there!

Wow, More Drugs

Yet another blood test today - levels are still nice and low so it looks like all systems go for next week. Went to see my nurse and got my supply - last time I started out on 225 IU of Gonal F (the stimulant) and this time I start out on 412.5 IU! Wow, that's a lot of hormones! Boss asked if it came with body armour for anyone I happened to be near!

The nurse told me I would have a little left over in each Gonal F Pen and I could use them to "make up" a full injection later. Avoid me that day as I will have to inject a little bit seven times to make up the dose! Ha!

So, one final scan next Monday, and then I start the injections. And roughly forty injections later (plus blood tests) we will hopefully get to the point of retrieval, fertilisation and implantation!

On a positive note, this month's Australian Woman's Weekly Pisces Horoscope says:

"If you've been wondering or waiting about a pregnancy or adoption, remember that a high percentage of Pisceans will make big progress between now and August."

I'll take that on board!

Funny Dog Stories

Ok...three things I thought of to tell you (while I have been home from work feeling fluey and coldy and generally crappy)

First - Katie has stolen the cat's toy mouse - you know the one where you pull the string and they vibrate across the floor? She was just playing with it (she goes and gets it from the shelf where it lives) and she has figured out if she holds the string part in her teeth and shakes her head really hard the mouse part will fly out and then BUZZ right back in. It's even more fun if you pull the string for her!

Second - hubby always accuses me of being an anal retentive accountant type - used to throw magazines on the floor just to see how long it would take till I broke and went nuts. What is apparently bad in me, is appealing in Katie - she files our outdoor shoes and her outdoor toys into the boxes on the deck. And she just filed toy mouse into the wood basket. A girl after my own heart!

Third - park walks are fun. Especially when the park has been partly dug up to put drainage in. And it's been raining. And digging holes is your favourite thing to do. Especially when the mud is nice and soft and squishy.

Thank goodness we have a closed off covered deck where she can dry off before coming back inside!!! Puppy school again tomorrow - yay!

We have dates!

Yesterday's blood test was a bit of an event. The usually lovely older lady who takes my blood was in a garrulous mood - she looked at my form, asked me if I was undergoing infertility treatment, and when I said yes, asked me if I had any children yet. No, I replied. Then she went on to tell me how upset I must be about the Kahui twins deaths (for those overseas, three month old boy twins were murdered about three weeks ago by a family member). Of course I was upset about the twins - the whole country was and is, and rightly so. But I really didn't need it pointed out to me while having yet another needle stuck in my arm! She did get a bit of a lecture from me on tact and kindness when dealing with infertile folks! I told her she should consider herself lucky I wasn't on the hormone injections at the time or it would have been MUCH worse!

Anyway, the blood test result was good - estrogen was low, so another bloodtest next Monday and then I pick up my drugs from the clinic for the next round. Dates are:

Friday 14th July - stop taking birth control pills
Monday 17th July - probably a scan, and start Buserelin injections (morning and night)
Wednesday 19th July - add Gonal F injections every evening.
Monday 24th July - first blood test to check estrogen.
Week beginning 31st July - egg collection, fertilisation and reimplantation.

As we all know, there are a lot of variables in there, but it feels good to have our dates and have something concrete in place to look forward to. Can't believe I am actually looking forward to starting those darn injections again! But anything is better than the waiting and uncertainty I think, so am feeling pretty darn positive...

Delay Perhaps...

Spoke to my nurse on Friday and my doc wants me to take a couple more blood tests before they start me off, and possibly a scan. I was so bummed out, but then I figure he is just being really careful, and what is the point of diving in with the meds and injections if the conditions aren't right to start with. So...while there were a few tears on Friday I figured out today that if we only have one chance left, make it the best chance possible. It's amazing how therapeutic painting the fence is - I get so much thinking done out there. Only about eight more hours and I'll be done painting and we'll be ready to start on the garden.

DH built a lovely side gate so Katie can now pretty much run the whole back garden off her leash. We've been taking her for walks around Shepherds Park which is very near us, and hubby met some other dog owners today who told him that 4pm on the lower field is "doggy time" - so that's where we'll be heading after work tomorrow. Should be fun - though rain is forecast! All is good with her and the cats though, we are definately making progress in that area. Katie has now chewed gently on both cat's tails and NOT been clouted for it!...

Speaking of dogs...here are some ways of saying "bark" in other languages

Albanian - ham, ham
Arabic - haw, haw
Armenian - haf, haf
Bulgarian - bau-bau (бау-бау); jaff, jaff (джаф-джаф)
Catalan - bup, bup
Croatian - vau, vau
Czech - haf, haf
Danish - vov, vov
Esperanto - boj, boj
Estonian - auh, auh
Finnish - hau, hau; vuh, vuh
French - ouah, ouah; ouaf, ouaf
German - wuff, wuff; wau, wau

Life can be tough...

But not for our cats. Sandy on the left, Dream on the right, enjoying a well earned snooze after a tough day!

Katie had a blast at puppy school last night, her brother Darcy (spitting image) and sister Emily were there too, and they all had a lot of fun. She was so tired she fell asleep in the car on the way home and didn't even eat her supper - straight to her mattress and slept thru till 5.30am. Bliss for us!

Right. IVF. That other thing going on in my life! Well...I will know for sure tomorrow, but it looks like I will be starting injections in a week's time with a view to retrieval, fertilisation, and reimplantation sometime after July 24th. I am alternatively excited about it, and then dreading it as it is our last chance unless we manage to get some frozen embryos for another try. It's all an unknown right now, and this is probably why it is so difficult. In the meantime, I try to stay positive! And borrow friend's babies for cuddles whenever possible! 

Why having a puppy is just like having a baby

You get woken up in the middle of the night because she has done a wee or poo and wants it cleaned up - and commented on!

Food and toys belonging to others (the cats) are much better than her own.

Expensive educational toys are all very well but she'd much rather play with a cardboard tube from a roll of paper towels, or shred her newpaper (pee on it dear, don't play with it)

Everyone you know wants to cuddle the new arrival but no one wants to clean up the mess!

Your once tidy home is now resembling a bomb site.

You learn that no one else but you and your partner really wants to know whether she went wee wees in the right place, or whether she managed to sit on command.

Date night with Hubby is mainly filled with conversation about the wee one, and you race home straight after the movie to check that she is ok...

You have to leave your warm cosy home at night to take her to the vet or puppy school.

Long hot baths are a thing of the past unless hubby is around to entertain and amuse her, or you have a set of ear plugs handy.

Everything - everything! - takes so much longer when there is a wee being tugging on your leg, or generally getting in the way.

And just when you are ready to growl her for something really naughty...she does something so cute, or snuggles in for a cuddle, and you realise it's all worth it :-)

We have Liftoff

I'm writing this at the office as my boss just told me I needed to update my website! Aren't I lucky to have such an understanding boss? Seriously, he really is a great guy (ok, Martin, you can stop reading now!)

The blood test yesterday was good enough for the doc to call me in this morning for an urgent scan. He was really pleased with the way things looked (though all I saw were blobs and shades of grey on the screen!). So, upshot is I am back on the birth control pill from today, and injections will start in 2-3 weeks. The nurse will call me with our dates next week.

Another thing I am planning on doing this cycle is talking to an acupuncturist - there have been some interesting studies done overseas showing that acupuncture pre and post implantation can increase the odds of a successful pregnancy. Rupes read about it in New Scientist magazine, and I have a pile of info from a lady who does fertility acupuncture. I mentioned it to my nurse and she thought it would be a good idea, and they will allow me some extra time after the implantation to have my acupuncturist come in. One study showed an increase in successful pregnancies in all age groups from 25% to 42% - nice odds for me!

So, nice news for a Friday afternoon - nice to have an answer and a plan going forward. The uncertainty was driving me nuts. They plan to start me off at a higher dosage of stims to try and avoid the small follicles and too few from last cycle.

We have quite a bit on this weekend but it's all good fun stuff, and with the weather being so cold, it will be nice to curl up during the quiet moments with Katie the Puppy and a good book!

On the Katie front - she has her final immunisation next week, and then starts Puppy Class the day after. She is too cute - she drives us nuts at times, but she is very playful and is gradually learning a few things (like tugging on Mummy's skirt when she gets home from work is definately a no-no!) And she really likes snuggling up on the bed with us in the mornings and evenings...awww.

Nothing at all to report

I am getting frustrated. Developments over the last couple of days have shown how completely out of whack my system is right now, so we could start the next cycle as early as tomorrow, or as late as a month to six weeks away! Having your life ruled by a blood test result makes things interesting, to say the least. It's hard not to be down about it.

I am sure I will feel better tomorrow about all this, but today was tough. I think not knowing is the worse thing, the thing that makes all this so unknown and hard to bear.

Ahhh Weekends...

It's been a good one. Our friend Selma and her wee girl came over for dinner on Friday night so I got my baby cuddles in! Though the wiggle is hardly a baby - more like a toddler who is pretty interested in everything - including Katie. Doesn't like Katie barking very much though, but thought it very funny when Katie pulls on DH's pants.

Then, Saturday night was the All Blacks vs Ireland game, and a few of us went along. We had front row seats on the try line, but it was raining steadily so despite raincoats we all got quite cold and wet. Highlights of the night - we won, and I caught the ball and threw it back. So...I touched the same ball Byron scored a try with.

International visitors - this was a rugby test. If you are a girl you might like to google Byron Kelleher or Daniel Carter images to see why I like this team so much :-)

Today we babysat the wiggly one this morning - lots of fun playing games, exploring and generally keeping her happy and amused. She was lovely though, and it was nice to have her for a while!

Back to work tomorrow, and I'll miss Katie after having so much time with her this weekend - mainly due to the fact it has been very cold and wet, so no painting was done! Nice to have a big relaxing weekend though, and take things a little easy!

She's a cutie

Well, having a puppy has certainly made our life a different place to be! While it's a lot of work (daily messes, taking turns to come home at lunch, trying to get her head out of the dishwasher/fridge/cupboard when making dinner), it is also a lot of fun, and when she cuddles up it's all worth it! And it's all good practice, right?

In fact, it's a perfect distraction from the month ahead of waiting to start our next cycle. I am quite enjoying the break! 

Puppy is great, I'm not so good

I had a lovely day off work today - my co worker is back and she held the fort while I played with Katie, and painted some of our new fence.

The clinic had called this morning and asked me to go for yet another blood test, which I did. They just called, basically to say that my body is cycling on it's own and therefore has already started to produce an egg. The poor old ovaries are obviously a bit confused from all the drugs, and so the only option is to wait a month till the next period, then start from there. That delays any possible retrieval, fertilisation and implantation till August.

I'm bummed. I knew going into this that there were always problems, delays, and unforeseen situations. I just feel like with one cancelled cycle, and now one delayed, that the odds are against me for ever actually getting to retrieval. We have already booked to go away in early September, so hopefully we will get any cycle done prior to then. I guess we will have to cross that bridge when we get to it!

In the meantime, Katie had her first wee run outside today, did her first "big job" on the lawn, and scratched the grass very officially to cover it. She's a wee sweetie, and she met her first "wee humans" today. Maddie the baby had her cracker stolen from her chubby wee fist, and Jess got to pat her and throw her cardboard stick for her to fetch!

Couldn't resist this pic

I decided this blog had to change for the next few days to a puppy blog, seeing as nothing is happening on the infertility front!

Now, look at this cute wee face. She was very good last night - she woke up at 2am and we got up and played with her for half an hour, and then when we went back to bed she only whined a couple of times and then was quiet. We both took turns coming home from work in our lunch hours and she was just fine.

And she is mostly doing her wees where she should be! And I must be a doting "parent" to be excited about where puppy pees!

DH has just put a neat little gate up so we can keep her in the kitchen - we had the table up against the open doorway over night but it was a little large and heavy! So now we have a very cool little slot door system - isnt he clever? The cats still aren't quite sure, but as long as she stays in the kitchen they have dominion of the rest of the house! 

Meet Katie - our new Puppy

DH and I happened to be at the pet store today (I think it was all a plot on his part as he had been there earlier in the weekend and seen the puppies!).

Anyway, to cut a long story short, we fell in love with little Katie and here she is. Right now she is asleep in the corner of the kitchen that is her own, and she is very cuddly and placid. That may change!

So far the cats have been more interested in her food than in checking her out!

Guaranteed we will get pregnant now we have a puppy! She is lovely and very sweet - nine weeks old and a gorgeous Golden Retriever.

Frustration ...

I stopped taking Provera last Sunday night - and was told to expect a period in the next few days. Well - nothing yet. Infertility is a strange beast - the one time you want it to arrive, it doesn't! Until it arrives I can't start back on the birth control pill, and I can't then start another cycle, so delays are frustrating. Upshot is I have to go in to the clinic tomorrow (a holiday here) for another blood test and see that the results of that are.

In the meantime, I have been having fun painting our new front fence and scrubbing an old copper that we bought second hand - it will look beautiful when it is all cleaned up, but right now it just looks black apart from the part I have cleaned! It's getting colder here, and although I managed to be outside painting all day yesterday, I was frozen by the time I came in. Heavy rain today put paid to any more painting, so I scrubbed!

Happy weekends to you all
Paula

Here we go again...almost

I am amazed how many people are reading this! Up to 20 different countries now which is really quite cool - although I worry that in 10 years time I'll be chatting to someone from Argentina or Zaire who will suddenly say "ohhh YOU'RE pixxiee!" LOL.

Finally a bit of progress - this morning's blood test came back at very low levels, so the follicles have done their thing and gone away. So, I finally get to stop taking the Provera and let my body do it's thing - then we start the Birth Control Pill again and from there we will get our dates for the next IVF cycle.

It's quite good timing as my ear ache is just starting to clear up! I'd actually like a few days feeling good before we start off again, so it looks as though I might get those!!! Fingers crossed, a long weekend coming up and hopefully some fine weather to carry on working on our home improvement projects.

Another day, another blood test

Just an update for those who keep checking back! It's a little boring when there is not much happening isn't it?

I was supposed to go for a blood test last Thursday, but with this ear infection I ended up having some time off work, so went today. And I just got the call from the clinic that my estrogen level actually increased rather than decreased, so the follicles are obviously deciding they want to hang around a bit. So, I stay on the Provera till next Monday and another blood test then before they decide I can have a period and start the pill!

I honestly think if you shake me, I'll rattle. Current morning medication is one pre natal vitamin, one antibiotic tablet, two pain killers. Lunch time, two pain killers and another antibiotic. Then just for fun in the evening it's two Provera tablets, two pain killers and another antibiotic. I finish up with two more pain killers for supper. My ear is definately getting better though - last night was the first night I hadn't woken up in pain at some ungodly hour.

Poor hubby woke up at 3.45am yesterday morning (Sunday) with chest pains. I was already up waiting for pain killers to kick in, so we drove off to the A and E department at North Shore Hospital. They wired him up, took some blood, and did an ECG - all perfectly normal, but they treat it quite seriously so decided to keep him in for the day. I came home at about 10am and had a wee nap (I'd only had about three hours sleep) and then went back to the hospital about 2pm. They repeated the tests and all were fine, so we were home about 6.30 and apart from being a little tired he is doing good. They think it was either a strained muscle or rib ligaments, but they agreed it was better to be safe than sorry.

What really amazed me was that during the time he was in the hospital he was seen by probably five sets of doctors and nurses - and every time, they asked the same questions. And got the same answers. AND made notes of those answers. Now, I know they are making sure that they know his symptoms and that nothing gets missed, but don't you think they could have cut out a lot of time and effort by having a file with his name on it with the questions he had been asked already?

Having said that, the staff were very good and took care of him well. It's lovely that nothing is wrong with my boy! I think we are both in need of a very quiet week of recovery though!

Drugs, Drugs and More Drugs

Well, Monday's blood test showed my Estrogen level was down to 175 - the blood taker and I are becoming quite good mates now. I go back for another one on Thursday (and hopefully we can find the vein that doesn't take five minutes to fill half a tube!)

Today, I start taking Provera for ten days, to get my body back to normal (and make sure those little follicles have all done their thing and shrunk away). Then I start the contraceptive pill again after that, and then...back to the injections. Will not know dates for a while though, so in a wee holding pattern for a while.

On top of all that, I have managed to get an ear infection (which I never have before) and it is bugging me to the point that hubby and I are going to up to the emergency doctor after dinner. Hopefully he'll give me some really good drugs, because the way things are going, I can't hear out of my left ear. Or is that can't hear IN my left ear?

EAR INFECTION UPDATE - went up to the emergency doctor who said "have you had the flu lately?" He checked my ears and both are inflamed - so what I thought was a Gonal F side effect was actually really the flu which causes these ear inflammations! Sheesh. And I went to work every day no matter how bad I felt...hehe. So, nasal spray and antibiotics for a while.

Not much else to report - all my work girls and boys are away at conference - I stayed home as it was supposed to be egg retrieval week, and as my co worker is away in Greece. Sigh. I hope they are all enjoying themselves while I hold the fort. Really. I mean that with all my heart :-)

Just remember work folks - you may be off enjoying yourself now, but you'll have me on hormones to deal with again soon enough!

Thanks all...

Thanks to all my real friends, and those friends inside my computer :-)

For all the comments, emails and phone calls thank you! This is a wee setback, but next time I am sure it will go better. Better to get to the end of the cycle knowing we had the best response, the best eggs, and the therefore the best chance, than go in half pie.

Hugs and thanks again
Paula

Cycle Cancelled

Had my ultrasound this morning which only showed two or three very small follicles on the left ovary. The right ovary couldn't be seen at all. The doctor mentioned the surgery I had previously on my right ovary and wondered if part of it had been removed. I reminded him that he had been "in there" in February, and surely he would have noticed. He had the grace to laugh at least.

He thought that given the low hormone levels to date, it was very unlikely that the right ovary was doing very much at all, so we left it at that and I waited for the blood test results to come back this afternoon. Unfortunately, the level had only increased to 503, which meant that going ahead with this cycle would be a huge gamble given that we only had two to three very small eggs.

So...decision made to cancel this cycle and try again next time - starting out a higher dosage with the hope of getting a better response. No guarantees, but at least we know now that I am a slow "responder" so they can keep an eye on that a bit earlier.

Right now the thought of starting all over again is really hard. But, I have proven that I can inject myself, that I can (mostly) have a normal work life while undergoing IVF, and why throw away all that money on a very iffy egg retrieval when waiting a month or two and upping the dosage might give us a better chance of success.

Yeah, I feel blue. I feel quite gutted right now. I feel like those 27 injections, those 3 blood tests, those headaches and tears, were all for nothing. But I also know it was the right call to make - that going ahead with lousy indicators was tantamount to asking for failure. I'd rather give it my best shot.

I'll be back.
Paula

We have Estrogen!!

Well, another blood test this morning, then I had to drop by the clinic to pick up some more Gonal F. I asked for a 900 pen (3 doses) but the nurse said she would rather give me 2 x 300 pens, enough for tonight and tomorrow night as we wouldn't have the blood results and know what was happening till this afternoon. I drove to work thinking that she thought this cycle might have to be cancelled. I felt pretty despondent actually.

But then! Got the call from her this afternoon and my estrogen is up to 303 (from less than 150) which is still fairly low, but enough to be going on with. So, Friday is another blood test and then my first ultrasound to check out my follies (affectionate term for my egg follicles which need all the encouragement they can get!).

So far - two blood tests and 23 injections. That's a lot of needles. If you are scared of needles, seriously consider doing an IVF cycle, it will cure you!

I am still quite headachy and tired, but have managed not to cry today (tears in my eyes at lunch with my mate Tania do not count as crying!). I've definately noticed that I am mood swinging quite a bit. It doesn't help that IVF feels a little like a rollercoaster to me right now...

So anyway, thanks to all for your estrogen laced thoughts, vibes and prayers, keep them coming and I'll let you know how it all goes on Friday.

Tears and Parsley

Well, it was a rough day today. A wee upset at work and my hormones were in overdrive - the increased dosage last night really hit home today with a pounding headache, inability to concentrate on anything more than one task at a time, and a bit of a miscommunication at work and I ended up in tears. I came home a wee bit early and had a bath and relaxed and feel a little better apart from the head still aching a bit.

Of course, my boss thought my wee breakdown today was fairly amusing. Especially after he had just finished telling his father (who was visiting) that I was actually pretty good and level so far. He spoke too soon! I think he saw the whole range of emotions today - and commiserated that Rupert gets the "night shift". Men!

Thanks to Shirley (my ever patient co worker) who gave me a parsley plant today - apparently if you give someone one they will be fertile. With my moonstone and fertility god and parsley and prayers, not to mention my horoscope, I think we have all the bases covered. Have a great time in Greece Shirl. Really. I did so mean it! Honest!

One reassuring thing is that a girl in my newsgroup had exactly the same problem as me with the low estrogen levels and the increased dose of Gonal F sorted it out. I guess I will find out tomorrow afternoon once the blood test results come in.

Till then, Rupes has had to go back into the office for a while, so I am going to make hay while the sun shines. Well, actually, I am going to have some dinner and then get into bed with my book!

The First Hiccup

As you know, I started the Gonal F injections on Friday (three stim injections so far) of 225 IU each time. I had my first blood test this morning and the nurse called me this afternoon to let me know that my Estrogen level was still too low. It is less than 150, which means I am not reacting as strongly to the drugs as they had hoped.

So, the plan is to up my dosage from tonight to 300 (unfortunately that means 2 injections plus the normal one as I don't have enough left in the pen to do just one!). They will test my blood again on Wednesday to see what effect that has had.

Chances are, if the estrogen level has not risen high enough to satisfy, they may cancel this cycle and we will have start again. I'm feeling pretty bummed right now, although I do know it is early days yet and it is possible that the increased dose will do the trick. I just dread having to stop now and then start all over again. I know that I will do it if that is the only option (it just means we have to pay for another set of drugs) but I'd really so much rather that THIS was the one.

Those that pray - please pray. Those that don't, feel free to send good vibes and estrogen laced thoughts in our direction.

Lucky Thirteen?

Another very lazy day - it was clear and cool and gorgeous outside but I felt very weary, sore tummy, and somehow managed to hurt my right arm during the night. Don't ask me what I was doing, I think I just slept on it funny! We had both cats on the bed with us again last night and I know Dream tends to sneak up to lay right between Rupes and I, so I think I probably adjusted for her in my sleep! And am paying for it now...

So, thirteen injections completed now and I have my first blood test tomorrow morning. This is to measure how the drugs are working and will be used in conjunction with my ultrasound scan on Wednesday morning to alter the dosage if needed. I'm wondering if the "phlebotomist" would let me draw my own blood given my hard won needle experience!

Here's a little known fact - older follicle stimulating hormone drugs (FSH) were made from the urine of post menopausal nuns. I'm really glad they don't have to make it that way anymore. Ewwww. And what if you aren't Catholic?

Work again tomorrow but I will get there a bit late given that the earliest I can have a blood test is 7.30 am (and I usually get to work between 6.30 and 7.00). I'm sure they will cope - or maybe they won't even notice :-)

Such a lazy Saturday

We had a latish (for us) Friday night - a good mate came over for dinner and then we watched Harry Potter, Goblet of Fire - great movie but very long! So, got to bed around 11.30 and then the alarm went off at 5.45 am for morning injection time. Once I'd done the shot, we were both well and truly awake, so I think it will be an early night tonight.

All three injections went well today - I was a bit nervous after last night's pain, but am going to have to try the right hand side of my tummy again soon - I can't shove every shot into the left hand side!

Been feeling quite tired and achy and sore all day, so have done pretty much nothing except hot baths, naps, and reading. Rupes was to go off sailing, but the boat didn't have a sail, so he came home. We were supposed to go out tonight but I am a little uncomfortable and we are both tired, so I think a night in will do us good.

Big thanks to Cat, my sister in law, who sent me a moonstone which you cleanse either in moonlight or the ocean and then keep with you to aid fertility. It's going out into the moonlight shortly and I'll keep it with me "Aunty" Cat - thanks heaps!

Ouch! I lost my sense of humour!

Ok...so pride goeth before a fall. I thought I was doing so well with the jabs, but we went off to the bedroom to do the first injection - the one I have been doing without problem since Wednesday. Stuck it in and pulled it out straight away - it hurt! Really stung. Sent Rupes to the kitchen to check the chicken while I regained my composure, then tried again and no problems.

So, then it was onto the stimulant drug - Gonal F, which comes in quite a big fancy pen thing that you dial the dosage and then pull the wee knob. All ready to go and I freaked - it looked so big and I thought it was going to inject all off the dosage. Duh. A few tears and then Rupes quietly explained that I was only taking a quarter of the dose. And that the air bubble in the tube wouldn't go into me because of the angle of the tube.

All done. Feeling a bit like a dork. Apologies to Rupert for waving a syringe in his direction and suggesting we get rid of the air bubble in HIS tummy instead of mine.

TGIF. Have I said that already?

Three is a charm...

Ahh Friday. Love the thought of two whole days off to relax - it has been a really busy week at work, but I am not going in over the weekend, they will just have to manage without me!

Only three things of note to report today - firstly, a big hug to someone from my newsgroup I won't name, but who had a positive pregnancy test today. I know it's early days yet dear girl - but you made me smile. Congratulations!

The second thing is that today I get the dubious fun of adding a third daily injection to my repertoire. In the "infertility jargon" this is known as a stim injection - and that is what it does. It stimulates the ovaries to produce lots of follicles with lots of eggs (we hope). So, it will be three injections per day from here on in.

The third thing is very upsetting. I was trying very hard to make a smily face with my injection marks below my belly button, but I went in a bit wonky last night and now my smily face is no more. It's just a line of wee red dots. Oh well.

Otherwise, I am feeling fairly well, starting to get a few aches and pains along with the hot flushes, and the mood is definately "on the edge and can tip either way". As Rupert found out last night when he came in to the lounge to tell me he had forgotten to put the veges in the microwave but still had turned it on and there was a really "cool blue flash" and some funky smoke.

After I had finished explaining that I was the one who was supposed to be forgetful while on meds, and that we couldn't afford a replacement microwave given what we are spending on IVF, and how on earth was I going to manage without my microwaved porridge each morning and my wheat bag heated up each night, well, the poor boy ran for cover. I think we came to the conclusion later that if anything terrible happens, I really don't want to know till it is fixed!

However, I'm pleased to announce the microwave must have heard my ravings and managed to heal itself, so the wheat bag was toasty last night after all!

Random Acts and Moments

I feel almost like an expert now - three injections done, and can juggle the needle and the medication all by myself!

Yesterday was a funny day - was feeling a little emotional, and had what I think were hot flushes (but it could have been just work stress!). My boss took me into his office and showed me his holiday photos till the moment passed. But random acts of kindness seem to have a tear inducing effect on me - I got a wee container of flowers from our manager at work and that started me off, then this text from a good friend:

The warm rain's falling, the plants are forming; what a great day to grow things :-)

I liked it very much but it did make me teary! Then of course Rupes and I curled up to watch a movie - Shadowlands about C S Lewis and the love of his life. We had to turn it off before the end as I couldn't see for crying!

On the good side, apart from a slightly achy tummy, I slept very well and am feeling a little less tired than I have been all week. And tomorrow is Friday, which means only two more days of work to get through and I have the weekend to really chill out and relax!

Thanks for the comments and emails folks - it really does help.

Hugs
Paula

Just a little prick!

I'm not going to bore you by giving you a daily record of the injections - but today was the first one! It was on my mind all night - in fact, I think I woke up hourly from 3am just to make sure I didn't sleep through it, which would have been interesting as the alarm always goes off at 5.30am so there wasn't much chance of missing it!

I was a little nervous about it, but it went fine - upending the bottle of medication with the needle stuck into it to draw down the correct amount was a bit of a fiddle, but Rupert held the bottle while I pulled the plunger down, and then in it went. Instinctive reaction was to put the needle in, press the plunger, and pull it out straight away, but you have to hold the needle in for about five seconds to give the drugs time to get into the tissue. So I just counted out loud and then we were done.

So, one injection down, about forty to go! Next one is at 6pm tonight, so at least I will be more awake!

I don't believe in Fertility Symbols

At least, I don't think I do!

But when Rupes brought home little Tangaroa (or not so little!!!) as a gift from Jo and Sarah from their time in the Cook Islands, I figured that any help was good help. Thanks girls!

So, wee Tangy will be strategically placed to keep watch over the medications and imbue them with that certain something he apparently has!

Paula (and the rather jealous Rupert...)

A Layman's Guide to IVF

A couple of folks have asked me just how this whole IVF thing works - which is a great question! I forget sometimes that we have been rather immersed in this process for a while and that other people have no idea! So here is the rough guide to what happens.

Firstly, they check to make sure you have nothing wrong with your insides that could interfere with a pregnancy. Then they run lots of blood tests to make sure you are actually ovulating (producing an egg each month). They also check the sperm for movement and health and numbers.

Once all that is done they put the female onto the contraceptive pill for about a month to stop her ovulating, and keep her "regular". When all is in readiness, the pill is stopped and three days later she starts injecting hormonal drugs to stimulate the egg follicles to make eggs - more than one! The aim is around seven to eight. Frequent blood tests and ultra sounds are performed to measure the number of follicles (which is where the eggs come from) and their size. When all looks good a trigger injection is given to "mature" the eggs which are then harvested by use of a needle a day or so later.

These eggs are then placed in a dish and sperm is added. In carefully controlled conditions the eggs and sperm are left overnight, with eggs that have fertilised being cultured for a further couple of days. The aim is to have two to three eggs for implantation with any extras being frozen for future use. Then, the eggs are placed back into the uterus again by use of a needle where they hopefully will take hold and implant, becoming a pregnancy!

As you can see, there are a lot of steps to this process - and at any time, at any step along the way, a bad result will see us having to stop this cycle. For example, if I react too strongly to the drugs and start making a lot of eggs, they will have to stop as those eggs will not be good quality, and we would have to consider starting over on a different drug dosage.

So, all we can say is watch and wait with us! There are no guarantees, but it sure is worth a damn good try!

Paula

Our Drugs and Needles

Well, here it is. All of our stuff (although we will get a second batch before the end of the cycle but this is enough for the first week or so!)

Yellow container - for used needles, two white boxes - Gonal F Pens for daily shots, white box with red - Buserelin twice daily shots. The rest of the stuff is just needles and syringes and anti bacterial wipes and a sperm container! I still think I get the hardest job :-)

I finished the pill today - am very glad to have taken my last one as I have had a low grade headache for about two weeks. But then I guess I'll be missing my low grade headache when the shots really kick in!

I don't believe in horoscopes...

But, was happy to see this in this months Australian Woman's Weekly (which must be true as they often have my idol, Olivia, on the cover!)

Pisces
The horoscope zone that rules children, babies, substitute children (such as favourite pets) and also your own inner child is busy in May. Don't be surprised if you find yourself attached to a son or daughter, or even someone else's child, as this boy or girl will be quite dependent on you.

I'm happy to take whatever vibes the cosmos might bring me!

Paula

We have our drugs!

Now it really does all seem very real. We went to the clinic today and met with our nurse, who is lovely - she has a good sense of humour which helps as I tend to make off colour jokes when I get nervous!

She had our pack of drugs and needles and information sheets all ready for us (as my mate at work says, given the cost it should have been a leather bag!), and we talked our way through what to do when, and how. Then it was the moment of truth - giving myself the first "practice" injection. Honestly, the anticipation of it was worse than actually doing it - you inject into the tummy anywhere below the belly button, and the needles are very fine and short so it's not too bad.

Of course, that's just one injection and I didn't actually push the plunger down, whereas it will be two a day to start with, then three a day for a while! But at least I know now I can do it. And it might even be easier without an audience! Having Rupert there with me was great as he now knows everything as well as I do, and he also knows how to do the shots and prepare the medication so if I do feel a bit fragile one day he can take over.

I did feel a bit shaky afterwards and quite emotional - it has been such a long build up and finally it is all happening. So that's good, but scary as well! So...that's it for now. I finish taking the pill on Sunday, and then first injection is 6am Wednesday 3rd May.

Words of Wisdom

I arrived at work this morning to find a page photocopied from a book called "A Pennine Journey" written by Wainwright in 1938 which someone had left on my desk overnight.

I am going to type it out here because I think, no matter what challenges you are facing, this is really good stuff.

Anticipation is often more pleasurable than realisation; recollection is the sweetest of all and the most enduring. The mentality which urges you never to anticipate, never to count your chickens before they are hatched, is wrong all to blazes. Let your anticipation run riot, plan and dream of things far above your grasp, reach after them in your imagination even when reality is receding, think about them always. Plan new achievements, and set about achieving them. Failure and disappointment simply don't matter; go ahead with your dreaming, let your enthusiasm run away with you. You were made to rise and soar, and come down to earth with a bump, and rise and soar again. If you accomplish nothing else, you'll have kept the rot and the rust away. Let me warn you: it's the practical people who stay rooted on the earth, who make the money. But it's the dreamers who touch the stars. Which is the success you plan? Are you to 'play safe" for the rest of your life, or are you to adventure? You must make a choice, and make it early; and having made it you must abide by it.

This author is right. I want to rise and soar, and if there is a bump down to earth at the end of it, then at least I will have risen and soared first!

Paula

Just a week to go...

Starting to get a little nervous now - been reading a lot about what to expect and have probably slightly terrified myself! This Friday we go see the nurse and get taught the injections and given the drugs to take home, and then next Wednesday we start the injections themselves.

An infertility newsgroup I post to has been helpful in some ways as there are other women going through IVF - a couple are slightly ahead of me. Both of them have now had their embryo transfers and are waiting the two weeks to see if they are pregnant. It's a painful wait for them, and a little for me - for some reason I think if they succeed I will too! Silly I know as we are all different and having IVF because of different reasons for the infertility. However, it's a good resource of women who have been through this and other treatments, and they definately seem to know their stuff!

I'll think we'll just be really glad to get on with it next week, and at the same time am answering all social invitations with a cautious "I'll see how I feel". I'm a little nervous of some of the side effects of the drugs, so am planning as relaxing and stressfree a time as possible!

More on Friday after our appointment!

Paula (and Rupes)

We have our dates

The nurse called last week and ran through all the important dates with me - and we got home from work today to find the planning sheet in the mail. Made it seem quite real! So, here are some of those dates and what happens on them:

28th April - meeting with the nurse to learn how to inject myself, mix the drugs, and bring the drugs home.
30th April - stop taking the contraceptive pill (used to hold the body in a state of readiness)
3rd May - first day of injections (two injections daily of Buserelin)
5th May - addition of a daily injection of Gonal F
8th May - first blood test to check estrogen levels
10th May - First scan to check follicle growth
15th May - All going well, expected week of egg collection (actual date to be decided following tests and scans to check follicle development).

It's starting to feel quite close now - only 2 weeks till the first injections!

Rupert and I in Annapolis with the statue of Alex Haley (writer of the book Roots). On this day we were waiting on a phone call to let us know if we could go home. We were determined to enjoy the pretty day, but at the time we were both really upset that all of our plans were now in limbo and we didn't know when we would get home. Not to mention all the blood tests!!

History up till now...

This blog is written mainly to be shared with family, friends and workmates as a way of keeping you updated in our soon to begin IVF cycle. Please feel free to post any comments or questions in reply.

As most of you know, in December 2004 while on holiday in Maryland, our much hoped for pregnancy ended. This pregnancy had come as a surprise as we had been trying for a long time, and we were so very excited about it - however, our hopes were dashed when the pregnancy was found to be ectopic (growing outside the womb). I was given a chemotherapy drug to dissolve the pregnancy before it could burst the tube and do any major damage. A week later the hospital let me fly home.

As you can imagine, and know, it was a devastating time. To be in such emotional pain on the other side of the world, so far from home - but so well cared for by Kelly and Lori who truly became part of our family at that time. To have the uncertainty of changing plans as we weren't allowed to fly for a week until the hormone levels dropped. To have the unpleasant task of phoning my boss (who didn't know I was pregnant) and explaining why I would be a week late back to work. In all things by all people involved we were shown nothing but kindness.

To those who supported us then - you are supporting us now. And we appreciate it so very much.

So...we tried for another year before we went to see our GP and asked for help. A battery of tests later, we were sent to a well known medical group here in NZ where we saw a specialist. He decided that the best thing to do would be surgery to check my insides (laparoscopy and hysteroscopy) - so that was booked for February 2006. It wasn't a comfortable recovery by any means, but it did feel good to finally have some concrete answers - one tube was leaking badly, the other was fine. They weren't sure if the damaged tube was caused by the ectopic pregnancy, or if the tube was damaged prior to that and actually caused the loss of the pregnancy. There was also no endeometriosis which had been a concern.

However the tubal damage happened, we now had only a 1 - 2 % chance of a successful pregnancy and live birth if we continued trying naturally. So in March 2006 we made the decision to try for IVF, which would give us a 30% chance if two to three embryos were implanted.

This journal is our way of sharing the process we are going to go through with those we love. Hopefully, we will be updating this page regularly, so feel free to check back!

Pixxiee