Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Moving on...

We're moving through some of the grief - but very slowly. It's been a beautiful time in some ways - the caring hugs and support from so many folks, both internet buddies and real life friends and family. It's been hard too, because by being so open about this whole process it seems like EVERYONE we know, knows about it. I don't regret being open though - I think it's important on many different levels. Some folks will go away with a better understanding of infertility and those struggling with it, others will think about starting their families earlier just in case, and next time there is lobbying for more Government funding more folks might feel they want to have some input.

I've cried so much in the last few days I've made myself ill. I had to apologise to my neighbour, who's five year old boy was in our garden on Sunday and ran home upset after he heard me sobbing when the phone call came in. Luckily, she knew what was going on so was able to reassure him. I think my work colleagues are getting used to seeing me in floods of tears whenever someone else comes in to say they are sorry.

I think it's hard for Rupert - he takes care of me, and I worry that he isn't able to have a good cry (or ten) like me and let it all out. He has been so wonderful - allowing me to sob and rail and keen, and go to bed at 7pm. We both feel a little numb today - and are going through that whole "what's the point" feeling. Somehow the normal things that occupy our time, and work life, don't seem that important anymore. I've been there before, and I know it passes, but grieving does take time no matter what the loss.

Earlier in the year we used the last of Rupe's airpoints to book a trip to Perth next month. If I had fallen pregnant, we were going to cancel it - I didn't want to travel that early on, especially after being in the US in December 2004 when we lost our baby. But, we've decided to go on this trip as it's all paid for, and I think it's been a good distraction for Rupes to do the chores - booking a place at the kennel for Katie, organising travel insurance, etc. Right now I can't say I am looking forward to it, or anything else very much, but I am sure the break and the time together will do us good.

So...we keep going. We are both busy at work which helps, and then we come home to our wee cocoon and take care of each other. Katie keeps us smiling, and the cats are always ready for a cuddle. I have no idea what we will do next - which of the options that might be open to us we will pursue, but that's ok. Right now we just need to grieve and heal up from this.

Thank you all for your caring and support. Oh, and if you have a moment on Sunday, feel free to drop Rupert a line for his birthday. I'd hoped to give him a better present, but it wasn't to be.

16 Comments:

Anonymous Meri-ann said...

I'm sure Rupert is grateful every day that he has you love....
And if you need some ideas on where to go in Perth drop me a line!
And it's ok to keep on crying if you need to honey.

11:10 PM  
Blogger StellaNova said...

You are mourning the loss of a future. That's a big thing to lose. Don't be too hard on yourself. I hope you end up enjoying your trip, despite your feelings about it now.
Take care. x

1:38 AM  
Blogger Lara said...

Im sooo sorry! I've been away and came back hoping you had great news. Sounds like you have a great guy there. Cry cry cry...you have to get it out or it will fester inside you. Even when people think its time to stop crying, do it if you need to. I wish there was something I could do to help...

4:15 AM  
Blogger Thalia said...

Very sorry to hear your news, how incredibly disappointing. I hope the trip has some good distractions in store for you.

4:46 AM  
Blogger Alli said...

Saying a prayer for you and your family. {{hugs}}

4:48 AM  
Blogger soralis said...

I am so sorry that you are going through such an awful time. Sending you a big hug.

Try to take care of yourself

4:55 AM  
Blogger DD said...

I wish you much strength during this time, especially across all the miles which seem so small knowing the loss you've had.

5:47 AM  
Blogger Hopeful Mother said...

Paula,
I'm really sorry. Keep hanging on to each other - you two are your best support team.

I wish you both strength and peace in moving forward.

6:38 AM  
Blogger GLouise said...

So sorry to hear this. Don't be afraid to let the tears out.

Best wishes,
GL

12:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know we all wished that this trip wouldnt be able to happen and that you would be on a much bigger journey than this in September..

I am so so sad for you both that this is not to be.

However, as the one in Perth.. I can assure you (and everyone else!)that I will be doing my best to help you through this in any way I can..

We will laugh, cry, drink too much, eat too much, drive, walk, have adventures, bond with nature, shop, play games... and, just be.

I'm really looking forward to you being here.

Love to you both... CAT.

10:20 PM  
Blogger Bea said...

I've just read your story and I'm so sorry it all happened this way. I don't know what else I can say. Perhaps there isn't anything.

Bea

11:18 PM  
Blogger Angie said...

I am so very sorry. Thinking of you and BIG HUGS!

1:26 AM  
Blogger ellie said...

i am just so sorry about all this- it is alot to take in. I know it doesn't really help- but I think we are all greiving with you. I have been wondering what happens if my cycle does not work- and is it possible to get past it and still be ok- thank you for sharing so much of yourself and your feelings on this. It has helped me to cry with you and prepare for what may come for us next next.

2:29 AM  
Blogger Aileara said...

I'm as sorry as I can be for both of you. Cry as much as you need to, grieve for as long as you need to. Sweetie, all of us here feel your pain in one form or another. Please take care of yourself. Sending hugs and prayers your way!

7:54 AM  
Blogger LabiaLady said...

I was so sorry to read your post. Grief is a strange thing, that grows with you and becomes part of your makeup - not something to "get over". I hope you find some peace.

10:22 PM  
Blogger sube said...

I'm just learning of your news, and I'm so very sorry. Take care of yourself.

3:13 PM  

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