Wednesday, August 16, 2006

The Long Long Wait...

The waiting is killing me! It just seems to be taking forever to get to testing day (Sunday). My moods have been interesting - last night I was very tired, a bit down and sad, and convinced that I wasn't pregnant at all. Today, my mood was back up a little and I feel hopeful again.

I think for me the hardest part of this waiting time is not knowing! If I am not pregnant, how will I cope with the realisation that I will never be a mother? Never see my body changing, or that scan showing my baby inside me. Never see my husband's face as the baby is born and he sees his child for the first time. That I will never breastfeed, never see those first steps, hear those first words. Never see the child go to kindy, or the first day of school. All those experiences that I thought would be mine, just gone in an instant. And for my husband - as we grow old together, how will he feel? Will he resent me for not being younger, for not being ready to start trying sooner? Right now I know he doesn't, and I feel very loved and secure, but I worry about 10 or 20 years down the track. How will we adjust to the certainty of a life without a child of our own?

I do know that life will go on if the outcome is negative, and that we can still build a good and useful life together. There are other options which would be open to us which we wouldn't be able to do otherwise - live overseas, do volunteer work, study, change careers, foster or adopt, travel etc. I'd happily trade all those options for a baby of our own though.

So, for now I wait. And wait. And hope that maybe we will be blessed.


Blogger StellaNova said...

Keep hoping. It's all we can do.
Thinking of you.

9:13 PM  
Blogger Keeping The Faith said...

Pixxiee- I can't express in words how much I hope all of your dreams come true. I know you have so much love to give. A child would be blessed to come into this world w/ you as their Mother. Hang onto that hope. I'm hanging on right next to you....

9:26 AM  
Anonymous Meri-ann said...

I also hope your dreams come true and that you are blessed.... sending you lots of love.

4:46 PM  
Blogger Kristi said...

Good luck! I have my fingers crossed for a great result on Sunday. It's amazing the havoc IVF can wreck on your brain, but for the next few days, try your hardest to cling to that hope. And remember that you have a wonderful support system in place to help you through whatever life throws at you.

PS: Thanks for visiting my blog the other day!

12:08 AM  
Anonymous Ana María said...

Hang in there. I'm praying for you! This part is the hardest of all! Just 3 more days for you! Hang in there, OK? And don't let this crazy thought bother you. If they do, read, watch TV, or do something to bring hope to your heart again!

You're going to be blessed, you'll see.

Courage my friend.

Ana María

"My heart aches for you everyday - praying that someday you will come to exist outside my dreams!"

6:59 AM  
Blogger Kath said...

Dear Pixxiee,

Boy your words touched my heart so ... That is just how I feel. You will be finding out around the time that I have my retreival, minus time differences :), so since I'll be a bit out on Sunday I am sending you good wishes with all my heart. I am thinking of you.


8:06 AM  
Blogger Mony said...

Paula! Thinking of you & hoping madly that this time tomorrow you will be the proud owner of a positive Beta! Oh wouldn't that be wild?
Don't forget to b-r-e-a-t-h-e!! Your long wait is nearly over.

2:32 PM  

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