The Long Long Wait...

The waiting is killing me! It just seems to be taking forever to get to testing day (Sunday). My moods have been interesting - last night I was very tired, a bit down and sad, and convinced that I wasn't pregnant at all. Today, my mood was back up a little and I feel hopeful again.

I think for me the hardest part of this waiting time is not knowing! If I am not pregnant, how will I cope with the realisation that I will never be a mother? Never see my body changing, or that scan showing my baby inside me. Never see my husband's face as the baby is born and he sees his child for the first time. That I will never breastfeed, never see those first steps, hear those first words. Never see the child go to kindy, or the first day of school. All those experiences that I thought would be mine, just gone in an instant. And for my husband - as we grow old together, how will he feel? Will he resent me for not being younger, for not being ready to start trying sooner? Right now I know he doesn't, and I feel very loved and secure, but I worry about 10 or 20 years down the track. How will we adjust to the certainty of a life without a child of our own?

I do know that life will go on if the outcome is negative, and that we can still build a good and useful life together. There are other options which would be open to us which we wouldn't be able to do otherwise - live overseas, do volunteer work, study, change careers, foster or adopt, travel etc. I'd happily trade all those options for a baby of our own though.

So, for now I wait. And wait. And hope that maybe we will be blessed.