It's over...

It's been the day from hell. I woke up at 4.30am and did my pee on a stick test...negative. Even though I expected that, it still hurt like crazy. My lovely buddies from the US called later and I cried and talked with them for a while (thanks girls, love ya). Then we drove out to the blood test clinic at 8.30am, then back home for more crying and some weeding in the garden to try and kill some time. Half an hour ago at 12.30, the clinic rang and confirmed my beta was negative.

I don't know how to explain how gut wrenching that was. I know we'll heal, but knowing that was our last chance and any dreams of parenthood are over is agonising. Rupert has been a darling through this awful day, but he is hurting the same as I am. It's hard to comfort him when I hurt so badly.

It's a dark dark place. I know I'll see the light sometime, but right now it just hurts to be me.

No regrets though. We gambled close to $12,000 and lost...but I would do it again in a heartbeat for another chance. But, the head sometimes has to overrule the heart - and given my age, limited response to the drugs and only one ovary producing eggs, the gamble is just too big to try again.

Thanks all. Best wishes to those who are still trying - I hope your dreams come true.