Sunday, August 20, 2006

It's over...

It's been the day from hell. I woke up at 4.30am and did my pee on a stick test...negative. Even though I expected that, it still hurt like crazy. My lovely buddies from the US called later and I cried and talked with them for a while (thanks girls, love ya). Then we drove out to the blood test clinic at 8.30am, then back home for more crying and some weeding in the garden to try and kill some time. Half an hour ago at 12.30, the clinic rang and confirmed my beta was negative.

I don't know how to explain how gut wrenching that was. I know we'll heal, but knowing that was our last chance and any dreams of parenthood are over is agonising. Rupert has been a darling through this awful day, but he is hurting the same as I am. It's hard to comfort him when I hurt so badly.

It's a dark dark place. I know I'll see the light sometime, but right now it just hurts to be me.

No regrets though. We gambled close to $12,000 and lost...but I would do it again in a heartbeat for another chance. But, the head sometimes has to overrule the heart - and given my age, limited response to the drugs and only one ovary producing eggs, the gamble is just too big to try again.

Thanks all. Best wishes to those who are still trying - I hope your dreams come true.


Blogger Keeping The Faith said...

I'm so sorry! I don't know what to say. For every tear that falls there is a prayer in my heart for you.

2:01 PM  
Blogger Mony said...

Darling girl, saying " I know how you feel" really doesn't bring you any comfort. Your own heartbreak is intensely really knows how "you" feel. I am sincerely disappointed for you Paula, I had hoped that this outcome would be vastly different. You have been so sweet to me over the past weeks, caring & supportive. Please know that I am here for you now. Feel free to email anytime. I am so sorry, so very sorry from the bottom of my heart. And if I ever win Lotto...I will shout you another round of IVF (Sponsor!)

2:04 PM  
Anonymous Ana María said...

Dear Paula
Reading your blog, was almost like reading my own. That's why I cried with you. It hurts and hurts a lot, I know that, been through it too. Any words won't help, 'cause you feel like somebody very close to you, like a family member has died.
You are still in my prayers. Please, keep posting, don't just leave your blog. I think, writing will help you go through this, like it already had in the past few weeks. You are a very lovely person and I know, people who read your blog, including me, would like to know how you are doing and how are you feeling, because we are, in someway, close to you.
I think you are still a blessed person! You are special with or without children, YOU ARE!

Ana María

8:40 PM  
Blogger StellaNova said...

Oh honey. I am so, so sorry for you. I know the pain of your disappointment with the BFN, although I can't truly know how you must feel at reaching the end of this line. I was really hoping that this would work for you. Please, keep writing, even just to keep working through your feelings with some support. It sounds like Rupert has been wonderful, although I get so much extra from my blog friends as well. I'm thinking of you and I hope you can move past this day. Again, I'm sorry.

12:16 AM  
Blogger Kristi said...

I am so, so sorry. I truly wish the outcome had been different for you. Why is IF so unfair. Please know that there are many out here who are thinking about you right now.

4:05 AM  
Anonymous JoeD said...

Paula, I have been waiting for your Sunday update, waiting for your results -
- now words escape me after reading the news. I just pray Paula, that all the effort, time and energy put into this, despite being negative, will somehow someway turn out for the better in your life. Believe me Paula, you do deserve the best, and I am happy that you have a great guy like Rupert, who is patient, and who loves and understands you. Love to you both - JoeD

5:31 PM  
Anonymous Meri-ann said...

Oh Pix-- big hugs to you my love. I'm just so sorry. I'm sorry for everything, but especially sorry that this is the end of the line for you, such a lovely person that deserves so much.
Indulge, look after yourselves, cry, and eat and drink bad things-
thinking of you... xxx

7:29 PM  
Blogger soralis said...

I am so sorry. Sending you a hug!

3:14 AM  
Blogger Hopeful Mother said...

Paula, I am so sorry for you and Rupert. This is so difficult, but please know that I am praying for your healing and peace.


4:45 AM  
Blogger Dream Mommy said...


I'm so sorry. Sending prayers and hugs your way.

5:19 AM  

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