Thursday, January 10, 2008

Grief is a strange thing...

You feel like you are coping, that in fact, you are doing pretty well. You've got through the tough days of Christmas and New Years, the days when you really didn't even want to get out of bed and face the day, let alone face anyone else. And then something happens, completely unexpected, and it throws you for a loop.

I've had two this week. The first happened a couple of days ago when DH told me that on Friday (tomorrow) we would be looking after our friend's dog as she was being induced that day. Now, I am as excited as anyone about their pregnancy, and I know that she hasn't had an easy time either conceiving or carrying this child. But the news that on Friday (or very soon thereafter) they would become parents shocked me to the core. It's not jealousy. They are good friends, and I've had my hand on her tummy more than once to feel movement. And I can't wait to have my first hold of the baby (maybe I will hold the dog to ransom!) but oh the grief that flowed up through me. It was awful - and made more awful by the fact that it is such a selfish grief.

Then, we were watching the news together the other night. And finally, Nicole Kidman has announced that yes, she is pregnant, and due in July. I like Nicole, and I've heard that she has had both an ectopic and a miscarriage - so in some strange way I feel a bond there. Plus she is married to a Kiwi and has got rid of short stuff Tom Cruise so I like her even more. But. Her smile when she said yes, she was pregnant. Oh it hurt. Yet, in a silly way, it also seemed rather Karmic. As though, if you go through an ectopic and a miscarriage the next one will work out just fine.

So I've had some moments of wallowing this week - not assisted by a tummy upset of some kind that has left me feeling a bit yucky and weak. And a 3am panic attack that I really could have done without. I had a chat to my bestest girlfriend, and we talked about grief, and the cycle that it is. Where it is one step forward, and sometimes one step back. I know that but I really wasn't prepared for those triggers to hit me so hard.

This too shall pass. I keep telling myself that. Sometimes it helps, and sometimes it actually hurts to think about letting the grief go - that's like saying I am forgetting my wee baby. And I'm not. I don't want to. It was the first child of ours where we saw the baby, saw the heartbeat. I find it hard to forget (or even want to) that we had it for such a short time. But, we had it. And I'm not one who will light candles or have ceremonies to honour the loss, but at the same time I can see how that might be a good idea. Closure as the therapists are so fond of saying. This too shall pass. It will.

5 Comments:

Blogger Adriane said...

Thanks so much for your comment on my blog. I read a few of your recent entries and my heart aches for you. I am so, so sorry for your recent loss. I can't imagine how much it hurts. While a lot of us subscribe to the "this too shall pass" school of thinking, it sure hurts like hell before it does. And, even when it does pass, I don't think it ever really goes away. I am so sorry for both of your losses.

11:01 AM  
Blogger Happy Mama to Three said...

Pixxiee,

Hi sweetie I am trickling over from the alt.inf.sec board. I had a hard time too with allowing myself to let go of my grief after each miscarriage. I felt like it was not okay for me to be happy or to laugh. I didn't want to let it appear that I didn't value my first babe or that I didn't remember him. It does get easier and I did find eventually that the pain and the grief does fade. But just because it fades it doesn't mean you are forgetting, you are just not hurting so much.

Hang in there. If you need anything drop me an email.

Cindi

1:11 PM  
Anonymous orodemniades said...

My condolences on your recent loss.

5:23 PM  
Blogger Bside- Kenya said...

I feel just as terrible. Nicole Kidman just upset me, and I go to a "daily baby shower" every day. The grief you don't get over, but with the time the pain let's up. I came across your blog and wanted to say that I am also experiencing the same thing, and feel free to check out my blog at http://babybevans.blogspot.com/

2:19 PM  
Blogger Ann said...

Yes, it is so hard to watch others joyfully go through pregnancies and births. It is my main cross to bear right now. I have a very good friend who is 17 weeks and has shown nothing but support for me. Yet I can't bear to hear about her excitement for her upcoming u/s. Because it was at that point in my pregnancy that everything went to hell, and it hurts so badly to see everything go so smoothly for her.

This too shall pass--but it may take a long, long while.

10:26 AM  

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