Grief is a strange thing...

You feel like you are coping, that in fact, you are doing pretty well. You've got through the tough days of Christmas and New Years, the days when you really didn't even want to get out of bed and face the day, let alone face anyone else. And then something happens, completely unexpected, and it throws you for a loop.

I've had two this week. The first happened a couple of days ago when DH told me that on Friday (tomorrow) we would be looking after our friend's dog as she was being induced that day. Now, I am as excited as anyone about their pregnancy, and I know that she hasn't had an easy time either conceiving or carrying this child. But the news that on Friday (or very soon thereafter) they would become parents shocked me to the core. It's not jealousy. They are good friends, and I've had my hand on her tummy more than once to feel movement. And I can't wait to have my first hold of the baby (maybe I will hold the dog to ransom!) but oh the grief that flowed up through me. It was awful - and made more awful by the fact that it is such a selfish grief.

Then, we were watching the news together the other night. And finally, Nicole Kidman has announced that yes, she is pregnant, and due in July. I like Nicole, and I've heard that she has had both an ectopic and a miscarriage - so in some strange way I feel a bond there. Plus she is married to a Kiwi and has got rid of short stuff Tom Cruise so I like her even more. But. Her smile when she said yes, she was pregnant. Oh it hurt. Yet, in a silly way, it also seemed rather Karmic. As though, if you go through an ectopic and a miscarriage the next one will work out just fine.

So I've had some moments of wallowing this week - not assisted by a tummy upset of some kind that has left me feeling a bit yucky and weak. And a 3am panic attack that I really could have done without. I had a chat to my bestest girlfriend, and we talked about grief, and the cycle that it is. Where it is one step forward, and sometimes one step back. I know that but I really wasn't prepared for those triggers to hit me so hard.

This too shall pass. I keep telling myself that. Sometimes it helps, and sometimes it actually hurts to think about letting the grief go - that's like saying I am forgetting my wee baby. And I'm not. I don't want to. It was the first child of ours where we saw the baby, saw the heartbeat. I find it hard to forget (or even want to) that we had it for such a short time. But, we had it. And I'm not one who will light candles or have ceremonies to honour the loss, but at the same time I can see how that might be a good idea. Closure as the therapists are so fond of saying. This too shall pass. It will.