My doctor...

I had an appointment to see my doc today. Mainly because last Monday I fainted at work, and fainted again when hubby picked me up and took me to the hospital - in fact, I managed to crumple right in front of the admitting man who was suitably impressed and got me a wheelchair right away. After a long long day the diagnosis was low blood pressure due to dehydration - due to this gastro bug I've been dealing with for ages. Over six weeks! Admittedly on and off, but it hasn't been very pleasant. The only upside is that I have lost 5 or 6 kilos! I am feeling a little better, and managed an hour on the treadmill tonight with no problem, so fingers crossed it's on it's way out!

Dr M, my doctor, definately has a way about her. She is so calm and sympathetic, but very real at the same time. She talked to me about how sorry she was about the miscarriage, about how impressed she was that whenever she spoke to me I was positive and well informed. And how she thought I was very brave. She commented that a surprise pregnancy, coming so soon after we had decided to stop trying, which then ended in miscarriage had to hurt a lot. We talked a bit about how people, unless they have been through it, just find it hard to understand the grief. Of course I cried, and she gave me a hug (whilst examining my boobs for my pre mammogram check) - we also had a good talk about trying again. Her advice was to go for it. So we shall. Back to the date diary!

In other news, Toby has a large abcess on his neck. Poor wee fella, it doesn't seem to be bothering him much but the antibiotics haven't made much of an impact so we have an appointment tomorrow and it looks like they will operate on Thursday or Friday. Luckily they can also do his neutering and microchip at the same time, so hopefully he will be all recovered soon. We are off to Surfers Paradise on the 9th of Feb - me for a work conference (tho we are going a bit early so Rupes and I can go theme parking for a day!) and Rupes is coming along as the spouse! Thanks to Muzz for house/cat/dog/garden sitting for us :-)

Grief is a strange thing...

You feel like you are coping, that in fact, you are doing pretty well. You've got through the tough days of Christmas and New Years, the days when you really didn't even want to get out of bed and face the day, let alone face anyone else. And then something happens, completely unexpected, and it throws you for a loop.

I've had two this week. The first happened a couple of days ago when DH told me that on Friday (tomorrow) we would be looking after our friend's dog as she was being induced that day. Now, I am as excited as anyone about their pregnancy, and I know that she hasn't had an easy time either conceiving or carrying this child. But the news that on Friday (or very soon thereafter) they would become parents shocked me to the core. It's not jealousy. They are good friends, and I've had my hand on her tummy more than once to feel movement. And I can't wait to have my first hold of the baby (maybe I will hold the dog to ransom!) but oh the grief that flowed up through me. It was awful - and made more awful by the fact that it is such a selfish grief.

Then, we were watching the news together the other night. And finally, Nicole Kidman has announced that yes, she is pregnant, and due in July. I like Nicole, and I've heard that she has had both an ectopic and a miscarriage - so in some strange way I feel a bond there. Plus she is married to a Kiwi and has got rid of short stuff Tom Cruise so I like her even more. But. Her smile when she said yes, she was pregnant. Oh it hurt. Yet, in a silly way, it also seemed rather Karmic. As though, if you go through an ectopic and a miscarriage the next one will work out just fine.

So I've had some moments of wallowing this week - not assisted by a tummy upset of some kind that has left me feeling a bit yucky and weak. And a 3am panic attack that I really could have done without. I had a chat to my bestest girlfriend, and we talked about grief, and the cycle that it is. Where it is one step forward, and sometimes one step back. I know that but I really wasn't prepared for those triggers to hit me so hard.

This too shall pass. I keep telling myself that. Sometimes it helps, and sometimes it actually hurts to think about letting the grief go - that's like saying I am forgetting my wee baby. And I'm not. I don't want to. It was the first child of ours where we saw the baby, saw the heartbeat. I find it hard to forget (or even want to) that we had it for such a short time. But, we had it. And I'm not one who will light candles or have ceremonies to honour the loss, but at the same time I can see how that might be a good idea. Closure as the therapists are so fond of saying. This too shall pass. It will.

Couldn't resist...

Isn't this a great shot? Katie just loves to swim and the water was so clear and beautiful.

New Years Resolutions

I realised I hadn't shown you all the Toby - our new black lab (well, we've had him since the end of October)! So here he is, watching his big sister Katie swimming at Ruakaka Beach - it was a gorgeous day, and while he did go for a quick dip he's not one for long swims (yet...). He's turning into a really nice dog - I was a little worried at the beginning as he was quite agressive and liked to bite, but he has calmed down a lot. So, here he is, nearly four months old, and a delight to us. We still miss our Jack though.

So...resolution time. I have so many! Obviously, the resolution of getting pregnant again and staying that way is a little beyond my control, but apart from that one I have made two decisions.

Firstly, is to get my fitness up - I've entered Run Auckland which starts in March, six events at different locations. So, I'm going to start with 2 5km walks, then 3 10kms walks, and finish up with a half marathon (21km) Over the last week I've been pounding the treadmill and have officially clocked up just over 20kms. Of course, in addition is the dog walking, the normal day to day stuff, but I am only counting "serious" walking. I did my first road walk today - 5kms, in just under 50 minutes. The goal (I hope) is around 45 minutes for 5k - I really can't see myself walking any faster than that!

My second resolution - if you can call it that - is to spend more time in the garden. I find it so relaxing, and I love planting and weeding and helping things grow. I've spent the afternoon ripping out a very old and messy garden bed and replanting it with veges and herbs. It looks so pretty, and much better than it did before, and there is the added bonus of our own salad from the garden. When we bought this house we knew the gardens would need a lot of work - it's a large section, and the gardens were either neglected, overgrown, or weed infested. And so, now the good weather is here, I intend on spending some of these summer nights out there tackling some of the areas that need it.

Christmas was nice. Sad at times, when I remembered (500 times a day) the miscarriage, but nice nonetheless. I feel mostly ok - I know that these things happen for a reason, and it was better for it to happen earlier than later. Every now and then it hurts though, and I have to go somewhere quiet. Just to be. And grieve. Folks are so kind, but it's not something that anyone really wants to talk about. Maybe miscarriage is the loneliest sadness there is? Because no one else knew the baby, no one else had the dreams and hopes - so there really isn't much for anyone to say. A hug is always welcome though.

New Years was fun - we had a few friends over for the evening, and much to hubby's disgust everyone had a turn at Singstar. He HATES karaoke with a passion, or maybe just singing out loud himself :-) We managed to butcher some great songs, and see in the New Year with a few drinks. All good fun. So, that's me up to date. I guess this blog will go back to being the odd update about various things, and we shall see what 2008 brings.