Friday, September 14, 2007

Giving up on hope...

It's been a tough week. My AF was three days late - and oh the hope that sprang from nowhere. Day 1 I'd pictured the first scans, the heart beat, the wee face. By day 2 I'd had the baby, named her, and was coping very nicely thank you. Day 3 brought a negative pregnancy test followed 2 hours later by my period. Of course I cried. And had two vodkas. And beat myself up for even daring to think a miracle would happen for me. I'm not sure what the answer is - not to have sex on my supposedly fertile (haha) days so I don't go through this torturous few days of wondering? But then...we might miss out on a baby if we don't do the wild thing on those days! Conundrum!

I am going to have to turn off hope, and stamp out my natural optimism and day dreaming. Because if I don't, I will certainly drive myself nuts, and poor hubby as well, though he is ever patient and loving as always. I shall save so much money on (damn expensive) pregnancy tests by not keeping track of the days and testing from the very first possible second. And the tears when you feel that first cramp and realise that your dream is over yet again. Maybe it's time to retire my wee diary with the obsessively counted days, fertile periods, and just let it be. Let it go. Stop thinking about it. I'm going to try.

Oh. And we got a letter from Permanent Placement saying that due to the "unprecedented number" of people who want to attend their course, the next course is full and do we want to go on the one that starts in the New Year? Of course we do, but we would REALLY have liked to do this sooner so we can get our thinking straight on that option. I hate waiting. I want to know right now where we are going with the rest of our lives. And does that mean there will be heaps of people on the waiting list ahead of us? Grr. Is the universe trying to tell me something? Should we just get another dog (no, just kidding, two is QUITE enough!)

Apart from the IF woes, all is well with us. The dogs are doing great, and Katie is changing into quite a mature old girl - her behaviour is certainly improving. Jack is lovely too, and coming to terms with the cats - I caught him licking the water off the fur of our big cat Dream - she loves to run through wet grass and rain, and he was obviously helping her out by drying her off!Sandy, our old moggy, takes a few swipes at Jack, but is mostly happy as long as he doesn't get between her and the heater.

We've been doing some work around the garden now the weather is improving. We pulled down the rotten old fence last weekend and hubby has dug the holes and put the posts in. I finished one garden, underplanting some existing trees with orangeberries and strawberries. Can't wait for the first harvest! So, we'll continue with the fence this weekend and then I can start planning the garden to go on either side of it. Am thinking evergreen blueberries on the inside, and a native forest on the outside!

And of course, the Rugby World Cup has caused a few late nights and early mornings. And much to my surprise I am currently in 664th place out of 130,000 ppl playing "virtual" betting on the matches. Long may that continue - I'm hoping first prize is a night out with the All Blacks. I might be late home that night!


Blogger soralis said...

IF just messes with our minds, it sucks!

4:37 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

I'm kind of in the same place right now, so I'm not much help. I got AF yesterday too and it was 3-4 days early. DH and I had a long talk last night. We're both in very mixed feelings right now. Do we go back to the doctor and try again? Do we start adoption? Do we say to hell with it and be happy with the one we have? I know I sound ungrateful to some, because we have one, but she was so hard won (6 years of unprotected marriage fun and 1 of IF treatments), and I didn't think we were going to have worse problems after having her.

Lots of luck. Hopefully, we'll both someday figure out what the purpose of us going through all this was for.

12:20 AM  
Anonymous mary said...

Having never gotten pregnant myself(eventually adopted) I know exactly what you mean about not having sex so you won't be fooled again. There was a time I seriously thought a hysterectomy would be the perfect answer! And kicking yourself for actually believing it could happen...what's this cramp, what's this spotting? Could it be? I can't count the number of times I did that. IF is so unfair that it makes us blame ourselves for having hope :(

3:03 AM  

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