Sunday, August 19, 2007

Decision Made

I've been wrestling with the decision of whether to do another IVF. As mentioned earlier, we were planning to do a different protocol, but I've known all the way along that the chances were very slight, and I've really been struggling with the thought of putting myself through that for another failure. In a strange way I feel that if I am the one to make the choice not to go ahead it will be easier than going through all the pain (and expense) for nothing. So...a lot of tears, a lot of sadness in letting that part of our dream go. Honestly - it really does hurt like hell, but I know that's a grieving process that will have to be lived through before it gets better. Five years of trying and hoping and IVF'ing and surgeries and ectopic pregnancies doesn't just fly out the window when you decide to stop.

So...DH and I have been talking about our options. Adoption in NZ is really difficult, and currently the home studies for overseas adoptions have been stopped. So, for the moment anyway, we have ruled out adoption. That brings us back to the idea of Permanent Placement (basically fostering but keeping the child for ever) and while we both have some concerns about some of the issues surrounding that, we have decided to sign up for the next assessment course. At least after that we will be in a better position to make that particular decision, armed with all the relevant information.

I felt that there was an element of selfishness in doing another IVF - when that money could be spent giving a home to a child already in the world with no one to love him or her. Foster care in NZ is pretty bad - kids being moved 11 times in a year, some carers being as abusive as the original parents, etc. Our current child abuse rates are horrifying too, and heart breaking (what kind of person could break the arms of a five week old baby???). So...that seems to be where my heart is leading - to taking care of a child that no one else will. We both do have some concerns about how things will work out, which is why we will do the course and then make our final decision. But in some ways, having this to work towards for the moment might help the pain of giving up on the dream of carrying our own child.

So...that's where we are right now. I'm sad...terribly sad...and we seem to be surrounded with pregnant folk and babies right now which does make it harder in some ways. But, you can't avoid your friends or not celebrate with them when their dreams come true. Life goes on, and I know the pain will ease. Time is a healer right?


Blogger Mony said...

Oh honey. My arms are around you. It's always so hard to read painful words.
It is absolutely essential that you have a path to follow (don't you know it)& the path you are looking at sounds so special. Especially with you walking it. You just never know what wonderful place it will lead too.

4:49 PM  
Anonymous Jenna said...

It all sounds so rational doesn't it? You've made a good case for each decision, and yet at the end there is really nothing rational about the disease the brought you here. As someone who recently had to have this same discussion and felt these same feelings of uncertainty I wish you well.

10:27 AM  

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