Grief...

This is going to be a self indulgent ramble - but I always find writing my thoughts out to be therapeutic - so bear with me, or ignore this post.

Why does the decision not to do another IVF procedure hurt so much? I think because rationally, I can see why it's not worth going ahead, but in my heart I will be losing so much that I had hoped for.

The positive pregnancy test. Watching my belly swell. Morning sickness! My husband's face at the scan when we see the heartbeat. Him feeling the first fluttering movement. Stretchmarks! The scan where we see the face. Giving birth - drug free of course, until it hurts too much. DH holding OUR baby for the very first time. Breastfeeding, nappy changes, cuddling. Picking out our features in the baby's face. Watching the grandparents fall in love with their grandchild. Having aunties and uncles and friends coo over the baby. Watching him or her grow and seeing "our" personality and traits appear.

Those things won't happen, unless a miracle occurs and my right ovary suddenly returns to life, or my left fallopian tube heals itself. And therein lies the grief. That the journey for our OWN child is over. And I know that acknowledging that grief is important before I (we) can move on.

I know that any possible future child, even though not of "our" bodies, will be loved, no matter where he/she has come from. And I know that if we are given the gift of a child, there will be a whole new set of dreams and hopes attached to him or her. So, let me cry, let me grieve, let me mourn, let me list my regrets. It's all healing and time now.

We are booked on the next caregivers course due to start in late September, early October, with a view to being "Permanent Placement" parents to a child who needs a home.

Decision Made

I've been wrestling with the decision of whether to do another IVF. As mentioned earlier, we were planning to do a different protocol, but I've known all the way along that the chances were very slight, and I've really been struggling with the thought of putting myself through that for another failure. In a strange way I feel that if I am the one to make the choice not to go ahead it will be easier than going through all the pain (and expense) for nothing. So...a lot of tears, a lot of sadness in letting that part of our dream go. Honestly - it really does hurt like hell, but I know that's a grieving process that will have to be lived through before it gets better. Five years of trying and hoping and IVF'ing and surgeries and ectopic pregnancies doesn't just fly out the window when you decide to stop.

So...DH and I have been talking about our options. Adoption in NZ is really difficult, and currently the home studies for overseas adoptions have been stopped. So, for the moment anyway, we have ruled out adoption. That brings us back to the idea of Permanent Placement (basically fostering but keeping the child for ever) and while we both have some concerns about some of the issues surrounding that, we have decided to sign up for the next assessment course. At least after that we will be in a better position to make that particular decision, armed with all the relevant information.

I felt that there was an element of selfishness in doing another IVF - when that money could be spent giving a home to a child already in the world with no one to love him or her. Foster care in NZ is pretty bad - kids being moved 11 times in a year, some carers being as abusive as the original parents, etc. Our current child abuse rates are horrifying too, and heart breaking (what kind of person could break the arms of a five week old baby???). So...that seems to be where my heart is leading - to taking care of a child that no one else will. We both do have some concerns about how things will work out, which is why we will do the course and then make our final decision. But in some ways, having this to work towards for the moment might help the pain of giving up on the dream of carrying our own child.

So...that's where we are right now. I'm sad...terribly sad...and we seem to be surrounded with pregnant folk and babies right now which does make it harder in some ways. But, you can't avoid your friends or not celebrate with them when their dreams come true. Life goes on, and I know the pain will ease. Time is a healer right?

Boy Free Weekend

It's been a tough week - as an accountant, month end is always a mission, so I had a couple of very stressy busy days. DH is off to Taupo with a few friends this weekend to run the Taupo Half Marathon, so I am planning a "me" weekend. Kicking off on Saturday with a spa treatment (facial etc) at a swanky Spa - thanks to my buddies in the US who sent me a voucher for my birthday. Then coffee with the wife of one of those going down for the half marathon.

I started my nightschool class last Monday - sewing made easy. Just ten of us (including one guy who thought he was going to learn to mend clothes hehe)...oh no, that's not what we are doing! We are making something. So, we covered fabric, how to read a pattern etc on Monday and were sent off to buy a pattern and material to make ourselves. So, I've got some pretty patterned brown and cream material, and a skirt pattern (with a zipper no less!) My homework over the weekend is to lay the pattern out and pin it to the material and take it along on Monday for inspection by the teacher!

I also had a wee spend up and bought new curtains, duvet covers and sheets etc for the two "guest rooms" here - Cat (sis in law) and a friend are coming to stay in November so I am making their rooms as pretty as I can. So, I'll be hanging curtains and making beds too! And I fully intend to have at least one long afternoon nap, and watch at least two movies that I have recorded this week!

On the fertility front, nothing much to report. One more month to go, so it will be a big push to getting as healthy as humanly possible before we start our cycle.

I was reading the local paper this afternoon and there was an ad in there for a Permanent Placement for an 11 month old boy. Something about it really pulled at me...so it's a possiblity we will have to look at after the next (and last) IVF. Maybe, given the awful child abuse stats down here in NZ it would be best to foster (with a view to permanent adoption) and give a child a home he/she would otherwise not have? Lots to work through there, but something about that ad did speak to me.

Right. Dinner at our favourite Thai restaurant shortly before DH deserts me in the morning and leaves me caring for our menagerie!