Life Of Pixxiee

One year...and the end of the blog...

2011-01-17T17:58:00.006+13:00

We had a lovely Christmas. It was fun with Grace - watching her playing with her new toys, reading her new books (well, having them read to her) and taking more and more steps on her own and with us helping. I worked through and Rupes looked after Grace when I was at the office, so they had some good father/daughter time. We got lots of chores done around the house too so it was a good productive break all round.

We saw New Years in at a friend's place - Grace asleep in the portakot upstairs, and she was fantastic, getting woken up at 12.30am to come home and then straight back to sleep. We're getting mainly good nights from her now ranging from 11 to 13 hours depending on her day.

And then, before we knew it, the first birthday had arrived. The 16th of January at 12.01am - she came so close to being the 15th - she would have been if the doctor hadn't paused in her cutting to query me on the other scars on my tummy!

For her birthday we had a few friends and family over - she was her outgoing confident self, and the only thing that really gave her pause was everyone singing to her when the cake came out! It was a really lovely time and we felt like it was our celebration for making it through the first year!

I decided to stop writing this blog when Grace was a year old for a number of reasons - not least being lack of time! We are incredibly blessed - she is a beautiful, spirited, healthy girl. Constantly active, she is alert and curious. And when she snuggles in for a cuddle I feel like the luckiest woman alive. She loves her books...and her favourite is read to her four or five times a day...we know it off by heart now and always groan when she finds it on her bookshelf. I have so many dreams for her future, so many hopes that she will be happy and fulfilled. The days, weeks, months and years ahead seem like a very large gift just waiting to be unwrapped a little at a time.

Thank you for reading. For those friends and family who have been with us throughout this journey, it's been a long long way from there to here, and while I miss those babies that never arrived, I am so content with my wee miracle girl. I think in many ways I appreciate her more knowing how close we came to never having her.

If you have read this blog because you are dealing with infertility, please let me give you a virtual hug and all my hopes for a happy outcome. I have no advice to offer other than be very good to yourself, work on your fitness and be as healthy as you can. I hope your dreams come true like mine have.

If you are reading because you are a new mother then I have lots of advice! Don't sweat the small stuff, don't try and do everything (it won't happen and you'll set yourself up to feel like a failure), read to her and play with her but give her space to learn to entertain herself, and remember through all the times when it feels too hard that each phase will pass. Honestly, it will.

Love and hugs from us.

xxx

PS - Comments will still be delivered to me and this blog will stay up on the net - so if you do want to get in touch with me then a comment on a post should find me.

Three more sleeps!

2010-12-22T08:31:00.002+13:00

Grace was 11 months old last week. She met Santa for the first time at our office party for the kids. She heard a balloon pop for the first time - and burst into tears! We had her daycare Christmas party as well, with the older kids doing a few songs - very cute!

She had her first "bleeding" injury - down the slide at daycare face first and her wee bottom teeth cut her top lip. She looked like Angelina Jolie with a trout pout! Daycare keep a portfolio of photos and stories and artwork and we got our first look at it this week - amazing to see how much she has changed. You don't realise it until you see photos!

Mum was down for a week and Rupert was away in Aussie for a few days, so I partied hard at our work Christmas party! It was so much fun - Disney theme (I went as a pirate wench in search of Capt Jack Sparrow. No luck). Just a really good night - though I regretted the last wine or three when I was woken up after just four hours sleep :-) While Mum was here my sister also visited - she hadn't seen Grace since that first week at home, so I think she might have seen a change! And Rupert's cousin also visited, so it's been a social time!

Mum bought Grace an early Xmas present - a wee trolley with blocks. Grace happily walks across the room and back again holding on to it. She loves to walk holding our hands, and is just starting to take those first steps away from support. Apart from some grizzles with what we think is the first of her molars to come through, she is delightful - happy and interactive, but still enjoys playing independently. She's eating well, sleeping well, and generally being a lovely little girl. Her sense of humour is definately developing and her favourite activity is counting down with the microwave (including the beep at the end!) and hiding things under various pillows and cushions.

So...not long till Grace's first Christmas, and looking at the Christmas tree she is certainly going to be one spoiled little girl! I'm excited for her sake - I know she won't remember much of this year's celebrations, but it will be so fun to take lots of photos that she can look back at and see how much she is loved. Her grandparents in the South Island have sent up home made gifts - the most adorable doll, and a very cool ride on scooter. I can't wait to post some photos of those after Christmas.

This time last year I was pregnant and hot! And tired too! Amazing what can happen in just one year, and in a few more weeks she will turn 1!

Miss Jetsetter!

2010-12-02T17:49:00.004+13:00

Our trip to Perth for Grace's aunty's wedding was just great. I was really worried before we went, wondering how she would react to the long flight, the heat, the disruption of her routine. I packed an entire suitcase to take on the plane and hardly used any of it. It was a day flight on the way over - she was so interested in everything and everybody that she only managed a 90 minute sleep on the plane. Excluding that she was awake for over 11 hours!

We went to dinner one night with the bride and groom to be - and that was the only time we had an issue, when Grace woke up from a nap, was cuddled by Aunty Cat, and promptly threw up all over her! It was lovely seeing family - her grandparents were there, as well as her Uncle Simon and cousin Melissa - the first cousin she has ever met! We took her to the market a couple of times, for a swim in the pool (which was quite cold sadly, so we didn't repeat the exercise), and out to a national park to see koalas (asleep high in trees) and kangaroos (none to be seen but lots of kangaroo poo around!) It was so good spending time with Cat as well - she is such a lovely sister in law, and it was nice for to have some Grace time.

Travelling with a youngster is both easy and hard. The hard part for me was at times being a bit apartment bound - there were times when it was just too hot to take her out, and with a 15 minute walk to town it wasn't a quick round trip. I did a fair bit of reading, had a couple of hours in the sun by the pool, a couple of naps, and tried not to check my work email too much!

The wedding was lovely. Cat looked absolutely gorgeous and the church was old and beautiful - if rather hot. The groom looked pretty good too - I'd post a photo of them but Cat will have to give me permission. You'll have to make do with this one of Daddy and daughter before the service started. Grace behaved beautifully right up to the point when her Daddy went up to do his reading, and she started squawking dadada hehe. I think she wanted to go up with him! We had a babysitter in the evening so we could enjoy the reception, and then a quiet day before we flew home the next evening. This was a night flight, getting into Auckland at 5.30am, so Grace settled well and snoozed most of the way.

And now we're back. And it's December. And we have so much going on - work is still a little insane for me, Rupes has a couple of trips away, I have my office Xmas party (theme Disney!), and of course we have Christmas coming up. Grace's first Christmas. How special is that?

Apart from the first night home when she wouldn't settle till 11pm due to the time difference, she has just been a treasure this week. Her latest fun thing is smacking her lips and giggling when you do it back to her. The sense of humour (and ticklish spots) are really developing. She is 90% sunny and the odd grizzles are only when she is tired, or hungry. Kind of like her Mum. And...bless her, she slept solidly last night with a squawk at 9pm, right through to 7am when I woke her for breakfast.

Motherhood. It's a continual learning curve and juggling act - but one that I am enjoying so very much.

My little Picasso

2010-11-10T11:52:00.003+13:00

Grace's first artwork. I love it. Rupert wants to get it framed. It's kind of delicate and abstract all in one! She came home from daycare with a nappy full of sand from the sandpit, and hair and clothing as well as hands a bit paint splattered. She had the best time :-)

It's been an up and down couple of weeks - we heard chicken pox was going around so we had her vaccinated on Wednesday - she was such a brave wee soldier...but that night she was grizzly and hot and that went on till Saturday when we saw a rash on her temples and back. Oh God - said we, first time parents that we are, we didn't get the vaccine in time and she has chicken pox! Actually, it was just a reaction to the vaccine and she is fine again now! Phew!

She's a busy wee sausage. Lots of standing, walking along the furniture, a couple of occasions where she has been able to stand unassisted for a couple of seconds. She's nosy, and into everything! Her temperament is usually sunny and her independent spirit means she will happily play by herself until she is bored with that and then she will come and find us. Her eating is good - so far she has loved everything, she had her first fish fingers the other night and was quite taken with them! We haven't come across anything yet that she doesn't like, which is a bonus - that may change of course.

In just under a week she will be 10 months old, and in just 10 days we are off to Perth for the wedding of the year! I can't wait. It's come around really quickly, and I get to hang out with one of my oldest friends the first day we are there - possibly the last time I will see her in a long time, so it will be neat for her to meet Grace. And then the wedding - and then home to get ready for Xmas.

On the work front things have been crazy - I've had some meetings and fingers crossed, things might become a little easier soon. I am holding out for that, as the stress levels and the feeling of being spread too thin are taking over a little!

My wee buster!

2010-10-27T14:24:00.002+13:00

We're beginning to think Grace was the wrong name for our wee one! She is so active, and curious, and into everything and everybody! The daycare girls agree that she is more of a Buster than a Grace.

Last week she figured out how to pull herself up to standing. She does it at every opportunity - even in her cot, much to my horror. She's even started "walking" along the furniture to reach a particularly fine toy - or remote control or phone! Her sixth tooth has just come through, and seemed to cause more wails than all the others put together.

Active and nosy - that pretty much sums her up at this point. She LOVES to know what is going on everywhere in the house - I'll be feeding her and she will be looking over my shoulder to see what Daddy is doing, or Katie the dog. She is definately going to be an outside girl - loves standing at the ranchslider and looking out. Rupes is in the middle of building a new fence so we have a safe play area for her without the continual tempation of the water at high tide or the mud at low tide. Somehow, I don't think she'd have a preference.

Life is busy. Rupes is away for a couple of days, my job just got a whole lot more involved, but so far all the balls are up in the air and we are juggling quite well. Miss Grace is babbling more and more, clapping her hands, and generally doing all the right things - though I think Katie is getting a bit tired of being used as a large living soft toy! In just a few weeks we will be off to Perth to celebrate Catherine and Troy's wedding - I can't wait, though am dreading the 7.5 hour flight. It will be so good to see the family though, and have some down time - our apartment has a pool so I think Grace and I will be spending a fair amount of time in there to beat the heat.

Nine Months...

2010-10-16T09:21:00.002+13:00

Nine months today! She celebrated by throwing up her morning bottle of milk ALL over the bed and me. She's got a cold so she is a little bit grizzly but hopefully is over the worst of it now.

I look at her and wonder just how this all happened. She is growing so fast, and learning so much. She is really just a wee miracle. We are so very blessed to have her - life is busy and tiring yet there are these moments of pure joy and laughter that make it all worthwhile. Happy 9 months little Gracie!

In and Out

2010-10-09T07:20:00.005+13:00

Today Grace is 39 weeks old - which is pretty much exactly the same amount of time she spent inside me! How funny is that...just made me laugh to think about how slowly the pregnancy went, and how fast her babyhood is flying by. Makes me kinda sad too.

It has been a really busy few weeks. Rupes went away, I got the flu, Mum came down to help and had a great (if tiring) time helping out with Grace so I could get some extra hours in at the office. It all worked out pretty well but it has become apparent that I need to have a third day at the office. It used to be much easier when she had a 2 hour nap so I could do some work from home - now we are lucky if we get 45 minutes, and I end up staying up late doing stuff when Rupes gets home from work and when Grace goes to sleep. So, Mondays are being added to the daycare days - she really loves going, and gets all excited when I pack her daycare basket, so I think it's good for her.

We had our Plunket check up this week - she is now 9.61 kgs and 71cm - doing all the right things and the nurse noted how active she is. This child hardly sits still for a moment - another reason I think daycare is so good for her as she gets so much stimulation and lots of new experiences - and socialisation. Which I think may be one of the most important things for Grace - she is quite a determined wee girl, and loves to touch/feel/hit everything - she will need to learn some boundaries :-)

In other news we have taken the drastic step of not using her safety sleep to hold her in place in the her cot. Mum thought it was annoying her and that's why she was waking up in the early hours - wanting to roll over but unable to. The first night was awful - I slept upstairs with her and literally got about 2 hours sleep all night. She keep scooting up to the top of the cot and pressing her face against the bars and then crying. The next night Rupes was upstairs with her and it was a little better and then he had the bright idea of safety pinning her sleeping back to the bottom of her mattress. So now, she can roll, wriggle and get on her tummy - but she can't get to the top end of the cot and push her head against the bars. Last night - oh bless - just one 3am wakeup cos she lost her dummy. This of course, may have been a coincidence given a very busy day at daycare, but we shall take it as a positive sign!

So...at 39 weeks Grace is still commando crawling, rocking on her hands and knees, climbing over people/dogs/pillows, waving hello and bye bye when she wants to, babbling away when she is in the mood, brushing her teeth (kinda), eating HUGE meals, and such a happy lovely wee girl that we both feel very very lucky.

Eight months...

2010-09-18T13:22:00.003+12:00

Grace turned eight months old a couple of days ago. She just keeps getting more and more fun - into everything, can't leave her on the floor for a minute anymore - she's crawling all over! Still the commando crawl, rather than the fully upright type. She has decided that the base of her exersaucer is a fun place to be - and is spending a lot of time trying to pull herself up to standing - usually using my legs or Rupert's! She's eating really well -three solid meals a day plus snacks plus her milk so no problem with her appetite! She works it all off very quickly as she is so active!

I had a bit of a treat last weekend - Rupert sent me and a good mate of mine (Liza was my bridesmaid at our wedding!) to a hotel in the city for a night. We had a lovely time - walked around the city in the rain, had a nap, a gorgeous dinner, a little too much wine, and we were in our beds by 9.30pm. It was lovely. Just to sleep and relax and not have to think about baby food or waking up or anything like that. I missed Grace so much though!

Rupert leaves tomorrow for a week in the US - to help me out, my Mum is coming down to stay for a couple of weeks as I have a bit of stuff going on at work and need the flexibility with the tax changes coming up. So, that should be fun - Mum gets to hang out with Grace and spend some quality time with her, and I get a bit of leeway to get things done.

Grace also got her first report - from swimming school. It says she has mastered "confidence in the water" and everything else is developing, or being attempted. Then the teacher's comment says "Grace is a little sweetheart and it's a pleasure to see how much she enjoys swiming and doing all the different activities with her mum." I was so proud!

The Back Story...

2010-09-02T13:54:00.005+12:00

Twelve years ago today I met Rupert for the first time - it was love at first sight. I believe in love at first sight - because it has happened twice for me, and the two loves are linked inextricably in my life.

The first time, I was 16, and visiting a girlfriend who lived just across the road. Who just happened to have a very cute brother, who was at home. Our eyes met...and we both knew. It was just karma, chemistry, whatever you want to call it. Chris was a mechanic and loved nothing more than getting dirty under cars. His idea of dressing up was clean jeans. I was working for a large corporate and getting fully into the 80's champagne and high living. Chris was a free spirit - loved hanging out with his mates, doing a few recreational drugs and a lot of booze, and generally having a good time going fast in cars and on motorbikes. I was toying with religion, trying to find answers for things that had happened to me, and spending time learning how the business world worked and which high heels went with which suit. A match NOT made in heaven - yet it mostly worked. We dated, spent time with his family who took me to their hearts, took trips away. We argued like the blazes, split up more than once, but were always drawn back together.

The last time we broke up was devastating but we both knew we either had to change ourselves drastically, or just move on. So we moved on. We both met other people. I got married first, a big mistake and done for all the wrong reasons to the wrong person. On the way to the church in the back of the limo Chris pulled up alongside on his motorbike - purely by accident. I think the wedding party were a little concerned I was going to jump on, full princess wedding dress and all, and roar off into the sunset. I wish I had.

Chris married not long after, and we stayed in touch for a couple of years. I remember seeing him one day, and feeling so drawn to him - both of us were struggling with our marriages, and we talked about how easy it would be to do the wrong thing. And at that point we made the decision that we should cut off any and all contact - we both desperately wanted our respective marriages to work.

Of course, my marriage didn't work, and I moved back home with my Mum for a year while waiting for the wee lifestyle block we had owned to sell. I can't say I regret those six years of marriage - I learned a great deal, but I do still wish I hadn't wasted all that time! Unknown to me, Chris and his wife also separated and he went looking for me at the farmlet but couldn't remember the right road. As for me...I looked him up in the phone book and saw he was still listed with his wife so decided to leave well enough alone.

Finally the farm sold, and I put a deposit on a small unit with my share of the proceeds and got down to rebuilding my life. I was working as an assistant accountant in a very busy role, as well as chat hosting on the internet. For fun I'd hang out in a chatroom of Aucklanders and we'd occasionally meet up and go clubbing, or for dinner. I dated a few guys I met through that, and it was a little like a second chance at being a teenager. Until. Until.

I got a call at work - a friend of a friend had tracked me down to tell me that Chris was in hospital - he had melanoma and from what they knew it was terminal. I dropped everything and raced up to the hospital - when I saw him I nearly cried - so thin and tired. But his eyes were still the same, WE were still the same. I sat with him and we talked and talked. He told me he was staying with his parents and that he wanted me to move in as well so he could see me often. I agreed - what else could I do? And so began two months of the most difficult, beautiful, heartbreaking, funny, agonising time for me. I had a mattress on the floor next to his bed. I'd look after him at night to give his Mum a break. A couple of times we stayed at the Hospice so he could get his medications sorted. I gave him morphine, held his hand, helped him toilet and bath, and generally did whatever I could to keep his spirits up. Late at night while he slept I would go outside and just cry and cry. His mother and I knew there was no hope, and I hope I was as much comfort to her as she was to me.

Once a week or so I would go home to my empty little flat and do my laundry, collect my mail, and get a full night's sleep. Those nights were actually the worst - I was lonely and sad and trying to fit in a long working day with fitful sleep and all the emotional baggage I was dealing with. This one night, I logged onto the chatroom and started chatting with a guy I had talked to briefly before. Before I knew it I had invited him over for coffee - I spent the next half hour deciding where to hide when he knocked on the door. It wasn't that I was scared of him - we had a real life friend in common - but I just was so tired and sad and anxious. But he knocked on the door, and I opened it, and it was love at first sight again. It was so out of character for both of us - two lonely sad people finding each other when we were most open to it.

Twelve years ago that was how I met Rupert. He hugged me like we had known each other for ages - and that was how it felt. It was pretty obvious we were going to be together for a while at least, so I explained what I was going through. I knew I was onto a winner when he told me he would wait, and do what he could for me to help out. We saw each other a couple of times but I was very conscious of putting Chris first - and I didn't tell Chris about Rupert because I knew he would push me away, not wanting to interfere in my life. A couple of weeks later Chris asked me to marry him - he was very much in denial (at least publicly) about his cancer, and felt that me coming back to look after him was like a second chance at happiness. I agreed, and phoned Rupert the next day from work to tell him - he told me that I was to do whatever would make Chris happy, and we'd sort it all out later. I felt so safe with him.

Chris got sicker and sicker - more and more tired, and weak. We had some good talks, some laughs about things of the past, and his dreams for the future. It was such a sad time, yet there was so much joy in being with him. One night he lapsed into a coma and I knew the end was very near. He woke up briefly a little later that night, held my hand, and told me he loved me. Those were the last things he ever said. The next evening I didn't go there - I wanted it to be just his family around him. And honestly - I didn't think I could bear it. In my heart I already knew he was gone - seeing his final moments would have been just too much.

The call came from his father in the evening, that Chris was gone. So much of what I felt is confused - sadness and sorrow, yet relief that it was over for him. The pain he was in and the ever increasing amounts of morphine - well, that was no way for anyone to live, and I still strongly hold to the view that in such circumstances euthanasia is a kind option.

Rupert came over that night and held me for the longest time. And there, in the saddest time of my life, began a new love, one that had its foundation in my grief and us finding each other when we most needed someone. The funeral was terrible - huge and sad. Chris was buried in his motorbike leathers in a beautiful country cemetery. The day after the funeral his father called me - they had found a note in his drawer saying he wanted to be cremated. Just like Chris! And I understood then that he knew he wasn't going to make it, and the dreams we talked about would always remain just dreams. I'm glad I played along ... I am glad that he had that at least, rather than me telling him that those dreams wouldn't come true because he was going to die.

Twelve years later, I cry a little when I think of Chris. And am very grateful that then and now I have Rupert. I am so glad I invited him over for coffee. So very very glad. Was it coincidence that I met the second love of my life while farewelling the first? I don't think so. And now, to make a happy marriage even happier, we have Grace. Life is a strange, and wonderful thing.

It just gets better and better

2010-08-25T07:01:00.002+12:00

What can I say - look at the smile! How cute is she? We've had a great week - coffee group went off well and Grace was up for four hours before I realised and popped her down for a sleep! She was happy playing with the other babies though a couple of times she relieved them of HER toys hehe.

We had swimming on Monday - we'd missed a few classes with her being sick, so she was excited to get back in the water. Lots of splashing and going under - with just a few splutters. We played a game where we passed the babies around in a circle to each other under the water - Grace loved it, and was so happy to be in a new pair of arms each time! However, a few of the other babies had meltdowns - cos they were away from Mummy. I'm glad she is so confident and independent.

We are really working on sleeping now - tried the experiment of tying her dummy to her sleep sack last night so she could find it if she woke up and that seemed to work well. So, when she wakes up chatting or yelling we are just leaving her to self settle. She cries so rarely that if we do hear her actually crying we know something is needed, but otherwise we leave her and just listen on the monitor.

So all good - getting lots of open mouthed wet kisses, lots of smiles and a lot of playing. She is eating like a wee horse, and loving most things - and I have noticed she is definately getting heavier! It's all really really lovely right now...the little personality starting to shine through. I think she is going to be a very independent little Miss!

Seven Months...

2010-08-16T09:14:00.004+12:00

Wow. On the downward slope to a year already! And Grace is today exactly 71 years and 5 months younger than my Dad. Hehe...

It has been a really really long week. Rupes has been in Australia for a week (back tomorrow), Grace has been unwell, up often during the nights, not sleeping much during the day, not eating much no matter what array of tempting goodies I lay out before her. The weather has either been cold...or if not cold then raining. New carpet was laid in the lounge on Tuesday - I have only just finished getting everything back into place. I couldn't go to the office so have been snatching time at home to get some work done - often at night when I am most tired.

What a whiner! I look at what I have just written and although it's all true, I want to slap myself. How dare I whine about being tired and Grace being sick and keeping me up? It's funny how quickly you can forget the years of infertility and the absolute joy of holding your baby for the first time and start to focus on the hard aspects. Let's face it - infertile or not, any new mother is going to be tired. Add in a sick baby, an absent husband, and you have a recipe for a worn out Mum!

So. Enough whining already - let me tell you about what a wonderful wee girl Grace is turning out to be! First off, she sits up easily now and has even figured out how to belly flop forward when she has had enough - or when the dog walks past and Grace wants to chase. She loves to stand up too - holding onto your hands, or standing on your lap laughing as you "pretend" to let go of her. Rolling everywhere. Getting stuck against couches, walls and trying to figure out how to reverse. She's absolutely fascinated with Katie (the dog) and if Katie walks past when Grace is feeding it's all over Rover - pun intended. Katie lets her have the odd pat and stroke but only when I am there - otherwise she stays out of reach.

Grace is pretty much all better now, over her virus, appetite is building, and it's back to full throttle. I treasure the first cuddles after she wakes up but they don't last too long before she is pushing at me to let me GET DOWN AND PLAY MUM! I literally have to strap her into her reclining seat for her to have any quiet time at all - otherwise, she is in full on play mode. Dad and I noticed yesterday that she is starting to use her knees and feet more to push off, so crawling might not be too far away. She laughs often, loves her jolly jumper still - and quite likes using the jolly jumper as a swing - her wee legs come up and she just kind of hangs in mid air. Very cute. She's taking a real interest in books - looking at the pictures, touching them - she was looking at a cookbook yesterday and I think she was a bit disappointed the pictures weren't for real. Sleeping wise, she is on the improve after a few unsettled nights - back into her sleeping sack and being strapped into bed which doesn't always work - I found her on her tummy this morning!

Motherhood. It's wonderful. And sometimes I just need to remind myself that despite the tough days, the poo explosions, the lack of sleep...it's the thing that I wanted for so long. And I'm still ever so grateful for her :-)

In a rash move I am hosting our coffee group (which I don't really attend) this week. Hopefully I'll have a bit of time to do some cooking and baking. The girls are nice - they really are - but most are way younger than me, and I really don't have time to do coffee mornings every week. So I shall host once, to be polite, then quietly ease myself out of the picture.

And that's it for me for this week - Grace has just woken up and is making the most delightful cooing noises - she has a toy stuffed dog she sleeps with and he gets cuddled and sucked and talked to! Very cute!

Hospital Visit

2010-08-08T17:46:00.002+12:00

We had a really good beginning to the week - Grace went to daycare on Monday and Tuesday as it was month end for me and busy at work. Then we had breakfast with our admin team on Wednesday - Grace had a fab time and got lots of cuddles! On Thursday we went swimming and had a good time too - but on Thursday night she woke at 9 and took some time to settle - in the end I moved upstairs and it honestly felt like I was up every 15 minutes. She was running a temperature, and in the morning we decided Rupert would work from home while I went to the office. Later in the morning he took her temperature and it was normal - so took her into daycare and brought the car to me, only for daycare to then call and tell me she had a high temperature again and needed taking home.

She was very unhappy! Took her home and gave her some milk, then popped her into bed. She slept for a couple of hours then woke up with a really high temperature, vomited, and was just really unwell so off we went up to the nearest medical clinic - who were concerned about her panting and laboured breathing and sent us off to Starship - the children's hospital in the city. So...we get to Starship, get assigned a cot, get checked out and thankfully they sent us home a couple of hours later - just a virus, and she had it pretty badly. So, home we came and since then she has been improving slowly, still running a temperature and off her food a little but this evening she is a lot cooler and took quite a bit of milk.

Scary stuff. I am so glad she is ok - this motherhood (and fatherhood) thing is hard work and worrying at times! But oh so rewarding - and one benefit was having her weighed and she is now a whole 9 kilos! Despite all of this we are still getting smiles and cuddles and giggles...so lovely!

Update...

2010-08-01T07:56:00.002+12:00

It's been a very busy couple of weeks! Rupert got home from Aussie, much to my relief, it was so good to have him back. Then his parents came up last weekend from the South Island - was lovely to see them and for them to meet Grace for the first time. Beryl spoiled Grace with some lovely clothes, including a gorgeous red anorak I can't wait to see her in later. We mainly had quiet time at home as I was coming down with a cold, but did have a lovely lunch in Devonport and Grace was great, and very well behaved!

After that the cold really hit me - as did a day or two of nausea and vomiting. Rupes was a star, coming home from work early on the Monday when I really couldn't stop being sick long enough to look after wee Grace, and he slept upstairs with Grace during the week so I could get a bit of extra sleep. Feeling better now, but still have an annoying cough.

We also went to our first swim class - so much fun, Grace was a natural and loved the water, going under quite a few times and enjoying the singing and floating and seeing the other babies. She is such a sociable wee thing (at this stage anyway) and was quite fascinated with touching the hair and face of Marshall (who lives next door and is 2 years older).

Rupes is away again this weekend, but only till late on Monday, so it's not too bad. Grace and I have been having lots of quiet snuggles, but she has discovered that if she bangs one thing against another she makes NOISE! And yes, she loves that :-) The jolly jumper is definately the favourite activity at the moment, and she is almost sitting up on her own. Daytime naps are now few and far between - and often very short - but she usually sleeps through the night till 5 or 5.30am. So...my work is cut out for me keeping a very active baby amused, safe, and fed - she is now on three solid meals a day plus formula. So far we don't seem to have given her anything she doesn't like which is good news!

Right. That's the update. A busy week at work ahead for me with month end so Grace is going into daycare for an extra day on Monday - and then things should ease off a little for us. Fingers crossed!

Six months...

2010-07-15T17:38:00.002+12:00

Tomorrow Grace is six months old - I am posting early as it will be Friday, which is daycare and work day, and the evenings after a daycare day tend to be a little busy!

Rupert is away in Australia at the moment for a week. If ever I needed a reminder about what a great husband and father he is, this last couple of days have been that reminder. I really miss him. He does so much for us and when I am tired it's just nice having someone here to hand off to.

So...six months. It's really a milestone isn't it? And despite being a rather weary Mum today, I can honestly say the last six months have been the best of my life. She makes me laugh, she melts my heart with her smiles and cuddles, she amazes me with how much she is learning. I look forward to seeing her grow up, to become her own wee person. She will challenge and frustrate me in the future I am sure, but I wouldn't have it any other way!

I love seeing my parents with Grace - it's just so nice to see them enjoy her. And next weekend Rupert's parents are coming up from the South Island to meet her for the first time, so that will be really special too. And the special bond that Rupert and Grace have just makes me happy - I always knew that he would be a fantastic father, and to be able to finally give him that opportunity is something I will never take for granted.

As you can see from the photo Grace has discovered Katie! Much rolling and wriggling is done by Grace to get close enough to touch Katie - at which point Katie sighs, stands up, walks about a foot away, and lays down again. She might want to move further away when Grace starts crawling!

I've decided to keep this blog going until her first birthday - and then I am going to print it all off and bind it up for Grace to read when she is older. It will be my gift to her - to show her how much she was wanted, and now that she is here, how much she is loved. Happy six month birthday wee Gracie!

Winter...

2010-07-05T16:16:00.002+12:00

I really hate winter. Just hate being cold, hate the rain, hate the lack of sunshine.

On Thursday it was month end - the big day for me at the office...and while Grace had a snuffly cold, she didn't have a temperature or anything else, so Rupes took her to daycare while I went to work early. When he picked her up they said she had started a temperature in the afternoon, so he took her straight to the doctors - we'd been told bronchiolitis was going around, and sure enough that's what she had. It was a long night - checking her every 1-2 hours to make sure she was breathing ok - otherwise we would have had to rush her into hospital for oxygen.

Thankfully, the humidifer, ventolin and nose drops seemed to do the trick and while she still isn't 100% she is certainly better. I am keeping her home all week, just to give her time to recover. I might need the time to recover too - Rupes is away Wednesday and Thursday and he is the MASTER settler in this house - particularly in the evenings when she is a little overtired. I think I will be just going to sleep when Grace does at night!

The funny thing is that even when she is not well, she is still mostly very happy, which is lovely and does make life a little easier. Today for some reason was a tough one - I think her cough woke her up a few times so we had lots of short naps and grizzly wake ups. In development news, lots of rolling over - and rolling back again now, as well as trying to turn the pages of the books we read to her. Oh and she is definately ticklish and her chortle is enough to make the most hard hearted laugh! I put her down on the mat and within a few minutes she has rolled over and wiggled herself right off it - I think I am going to have my work cut out for me. She is having a taste of solids each lunch time - so far pureed pear and today's delight was sweetcorn and pumpkin. She's not too fussed about it quite yet - so just a little each time.

So...that's Grace. Happy, laughing, cute and funny, occasionally challenging and unsettled, mostly healthy but sometimes just under the weather. And in winter - aren't we all?

Time Flies...

2010-06-21T13:22:00.002+12:00

Time does fly when you are having fun! And oh, are we having fun! Grace turned five months last week, and we trooped off to the doctor for her shots. She was really good, just a wee cry when the needles went in, but that night was a rough one - she ran a low fever and cried from about 11 till 1 when I got her back to sleep. Added into the mix are two brand new teeth - her bottom ones. She's actually not been too grizzly about those, I had no idea new teeth were so sharp! No more shots until 15 months, thank goodness!

Daycare is still going really well - she's not great at sleeping there, too much else going on and she loves watching the other kids playing. So, we usually have an hour of play when I get her home and then she crashes for the night. She is mostly sleeping through, though the last few days have been 4am wake ups. Still...that gives us both a good block of sleep.

Lots of laughing and smiles now, still rolling over at every opportunity, and she has just discovered her feet which makes nappy changing challenging as the wee legs come up, the wee hands come up to touch the toes, and we try to fit a nappy around the appendages! And she loves to grab your hair/nose/ears/lips etc and have a good tug...or then she turns gentle and just strokes whatever she can reach. It's often a race when she wakes up as to who gets to pick her up first - she snuggles in and smiles and coos and it's really just lovely :-)

Last week she also had her 5 month Plunket check. They were really pleased with her progress and a good weight gain - all that formula! She is now 64.2cm long and 7.63 kgs in weight. We've had a couple of tries of giving her Farex as her introduction to solids and she was fine with it, just not quite ready with the tongue pushing it out.

So...all is well in the household. And the sad/happy thing of note is that we found our labrador, Toby, a new home. He is a lovely dog, but very boisterous and hard to handle and it was really becoming apparent that he needed more than we could give him. We also felt that he couldn't be trusted with Grace especiallyl when she starts crawling. I couldn't walk him with Katie (our retriever) and the buggy so Rupert was having to do the dog walking, and when he starts travelling again it would be a choice of putting Toby in a kennel or watching him go mad with suppressed energy. So, while we miss him, I do have to say that home is a LOT quieter and less stressful. Katie has adjusted really well, and she is only alone 2 days of the week, so it's working out well.

So that's our update. I couldn't be happier - I miss Grace on the days I am at work. But we make up for it on my days off, and she gets such a lot of attention and cuddles at daycare that really we have a good balance going.

Next milestone - six months! Who would have thought it!

The week that was...

2010-06-05T08:29:00.002+12:00

What a week! Firstly, Grace had two full days at daycare (7.30 to 3.30) and loved it! Both days when I arrived to pick her up she was happy and smiling - the staff seem to love her too and call her "happy girl" - due to all the smiling. The first day was Tuesday and I was a little on edge all day at the office wondering how she was doing, but I felt much calmer on Friday. They take very good care of her, and fill in a wee diary so I can see what she has been doing and how much she has eaten or slept during the day.

Then, on Thursday evening she was down on her playmat - and rolled over! She looked so pleased with herself - we put her onto her back again and she did it six more times! Since then, practically every time she is on her back, over she goes! It's so cute...and when she is on her tummy the little legs are going crazy and the bum goes up - not long till she starts to crawl and then I am in big trouble!

This morning after her feed, she and I were playing on the bed. And she had a wee cough and I smiled and she smiled and then she laughed! A real baby chuckle. So I laughed at her and she laughed at me - it was lovely. That went on for a few minutes hehe. So many milestones, coming so quickly! She snuggles in for cuddles now, and is so happy and content - we've had hardly any crying this week at all, and I pop her in her cot for her sleeps and she just chats to herself before falling asleep on her own.

So, all in all, life is really good. We have some folks coming over today to see if they want to take Toby, our black lab. Long story but if we do find a new home for him I'll explain more - sad about it, but the best decision.

Quiet day at home today, then into the office tomorrow to finish my catching up from 5 months working from home, then Monday is a holiday so time to hang out with Grace and Rupert.

Sleep...

2010-05-27T07:35:00.002+12:00

Grace slept through the night last night. Ten hours! Only the second time she has done that - she did it one night down at Christchurch. There were a few murmurings about 1am and then 3am but I just "shusssshhhhhed" from my bed next door and she went off again.

She is really enjoying her formula, holding the handles of her bottle and pushing it away when she is done, or pulling it in when she wants more. I'm expressing twice a day in an effort to keep my supply up so when I am off the anti inflammatories I might be able to do a night feed. My back is still pretty sore though, so not sure how that will go.

We spent two mornings at daycare (just an hour each time) this week and she loved it. Even the second time when I left for an hour, she was fine and happy. She's fascinated with the other children - and loves watching their singing time. And the carers are all really nice and she gets lots of cuddles and stimulation. She spent the afternoons at the office with me, and then Rupert picked her up and took her home so I could work a bit later. Two really big days for her, and she did just great, very few grizzles and mostly just happily playing or being cuddled.

So...next week she starts daycare for two days each week. While I get back into a routine of being at the office and not doing everything from home. I think it will make life a lot easier, and I hope it will take some of the load off Rupert - he has been doing so much while I try and keep up with work and Grace! I might even have to cook him dinner!

She really is just lovely. Wakes up smiling and cooing, squeaking away, and she is communicating much more about what she wants or doesn't want. Body language is such a beautiful thing! She can almost roll over now - and tummy time is still a favourite, as is swishing around in her bath. It's all good really!

We're home!

2010-05-22T17:47:00.003+12:00

Well...conference in Christchurch was amazing! I work for a large real estate company (Harcourts) and each year they do it better - this year was no exception. Some 1100 attendees, some amazing speakers and workshops, Stan Walker (winner of Australian Idol) was the opening act, and Li Cunxin (Mao's Last Dancer) was the closing. If you ever get the chance to hear Li - take it. A beautiful story and a wonderful message. It was great seeing friends from other branches and head office, and making some new mates! And just such a good feeling - there really is a nice culture of teamwork and friendliness in the company.

I managed to get to most things - Rupert and Grace had a good time hanging out and her wee Harcourts onesie went down a treat (a gift from friends when Grace was born). Daddy also bought her a Crusaders (Chch rugby team for my overseas readers) top, which she looks really cute in. She was just very happy the whole time we were away - fell asleep on the plane there and back, and in the taxi, and she was great for the nanny while Rupert and I went to the big Awards dinner. The franchise I work for did very well, and a very good time was had by all! A few glasses of wine (don't worry, I expressed and chucked it) and I could have danced all night, but fortunately the nanny was only booked till 1am which saved me being too sore headed. As it was, we only had 3 hours sleep before we had to get up, pack and get to the airport. It was so fun having a night out with Rupert though - and a bit of boogying!

The only bad thing that happened was the hotel had lent us a portacot - which was very low, and had high sides. It started to hurt my back almost immediately, so I had Rupert getting Grace out but the damage had been done and one morning when I got out of my chair at breakfast I felt my back go. Ouch! Those who know me well will know that my back and I have had a long and difficult relationship, and it was one of the things I was most worried about when I was pregnant. So...I was taking painkillers and they weren't doing anything, and it was really time today to make the tough decision to go onto anti inflammatories and stop breastfeeding. Or have this kind of pain for a month or more and not be able to do what I need to as far as work and home stuff and caring for Grace.

Grace has been taking a bottle of formula in the evenings for quite a while now - and I was finding that even though I tried to express when she was getting a bottle, I wasn't getting much. And, over the last couple of weeks I've had to top her up with formula during the day and it just seems like my supply isn't keeping up with her demand. Added to all that, she starts daycare in a week (for 2 days a week) and with my lack of success expressing it would probably have been time to stop feeding her anyway.

Sensible decision. I am really sad though, and have had a few tears. The first time I fed Grace I felt like I finally knew what my body was for. I was so very lucky - never any pain or problems, and I so loved the closeness and the quiet time we spent. I guess motherhood is going to be a whole series of these kinds of things - the letting go of each stage and letting her go on to the next. And we've done it for 18 weeks, and that's pretty good right? And at least with all formula we'll be able to keep a close eye on how much she is taking.

So. I'm having a wine right now. Just because I can!

Four months!

2010-05-16T16:05:00.003+12:00

Four months today. And cuter and funnier and sweeter every day that passes. It's been another busy week, compounded by the fact that I was so excited about finally having some time free to go to coffee group, I turned up on the wrong day! Grace, as you can see, still enjoyed playing in her host Millie's toy! How embarrassing!

We managed brunch yesterday - went to check out my new office, and had a lovely brunch at my favourite cafe. Grace was a star - happy and cooing and drank her milk while we ate. It was really really nice to have a wee family outing. We got home just before the heavens opened and the thunder and lightning started!

Tomorrow we are off on the plane (a first for Grace) to Christchurch for my work conference - despite all the running around today trying to make sure I had everything I needed for Grace I am quite looking forward to it! Rupert is coming too so that I can attend some, or most of conference, while he has a break from work and looks after Grace. We have a nanny booked for Wednesday night so we can attend the big awards night dinner - also known as Frock night for obvious reasons!

Aside from all that I am well -I have an annoying cough left over from my cold, and I am a little tired and really busy with work and juggling everything madly! A few days break in a hotel room will be just good for all of us I think, no matter how busy it might be down there.

Sixteen candles...

2010-05-08T17:57:00.003+12:00

One candle for each week! Tomorrow is Mother's Day. My first one ever, and certainly a day I never thought I would get to celebrate. I'm just happy - I don't care if I get a present or not - I have the biggest gift!

It's been an up and down week - busy with work, I've had a cold, and both Rupert and Grace caught it too. Grace has been pretty darn good, sleeping and feeding well - odd times of being unsettled but 90% of the time she is fantastic. We've had some really fun play times - she loves laying next to me on the bed while I read her books, and as you can see above she is getting very strong! And still as talkative as ever, I've been trying to record it but the moment the camera comes out she clams up. And poses. Yup, my daughter is destined for modelling I think!

Rupert has been doing such an awesome job with her - I left them alone last Friday night and again on Tuesday morning when I went to work functions, and also on Saturday morning when I went to the office. It's really nice for the two of them to have some time together, and it's great to be able to head off and do what I need to without worrying.

In other news, we have decided on a daycare place for Grace - nice people, handy to home, and lovely clean and bright facilities. She will start in June for 2 days a week. I think it will work out well - it will actually mean life will be a little easier for all of us - I won't be madly trying to get all my office work done in snatches while she sleeps, and Rupert won't be coming home to all the chores! And she will get to hang out with other babies which she loves! I'll miss her terribly, but it is a good compromise all round I think! And if it really doesn't work for us, then we figure something else out!

A year ago today...

2010-04-30T14:35:00.003+12:00

A year ago things were very different in our lives! Rupert was about to leave to head down to Rotorua to run a marathon, and I was staying behind to work on month end at the office. We had given up any thought of a baby, and were working on our fostering papers and applications. I was sad all the time, deep down. I cried whenever I heard someone was pregnant, I never attended baby showers, and I always envied my friends who complained about their children.

So, at this busy time in our lives (and this may be too much info for some) that evening we had an intimate moment. And that moment led to our little Grace.

What a miracle. What a blessing. What a fantastic wonderful thing to happen! I look at her and still can't stop marvelling about how lucky we were to finally have this dream come true. She is so beautiful, and so perfect, and just so precious. And, according to the book - so advanced - rolling over to her side, loving her tummy time, and now working on hand to eye co-ordination (which seems to consist mainly of getting both hands in her mouth!)

Sleeping routines are continuing - a few minor upsets but on the whole she is so much better, and I am finding life so much easier when I know what to expect and how to deal with any changes. So much so, that I am leaving her with Daddy tonight and heading out to celebrate the year with my work colleagues!

A year ago, a moment changed our lives completely. And I couldn't be happier!

Sleep, blessed sleep!

2010-04-26T07:27:00.003+12:00

As I may have mentioned previously, Grace has been hard to settle and get into a routine. What was happening was she would wake, I would feed her, she'd play and we'd have reading time, then I would top her up and try to get her to sleep. Usually she wasn't interested, so I'd end up laying with her on the bed and feeding her till she dozed off. And then, more often than not, she'd wake up half an hour later crying and off we would go again. Nights were much the same, as we were co sleeping, so I'd roll over and feed her, quick burp, and off we'd go to sleep again.

As you can imagine, things were getting a little tiring! Apart from the grizzles she is generally such a happy baby, and it was getting distressing having her cry through being tired and not being able to settle her. So, last Tuesday, Grace and I went to the Plunket Family Centre for the day to learn about sleep and find out what I was doing wrong and how to break those habits.

OH MY GOODNESS! The best day ever, and I am so thankful we went. Firstly, a nurse spent the entire morning with me watching what I did - so I'd feed Grace until she didn't seem interested anymore, then pop her down for tummy and play time. This time however, Grace was weighed before her feed and in her first feed she only took 70mls. So the nurse got me to feed her again, keeping her awake and alert by tickling her feet and hands, taking off her sleep suit so she was a little cooler, even using a wet cloth on her body. This time when we weighed her she was up to around 100mls, so we put her down for playtime and then with the top up she was at 120mls.

How the nurse explained it was that while Grace was getting all she needed in a day from me, because of the feeding to sleep and feeding to comfort when she was overtired, she wasn't getting it in one session - meaning that when I put her down after a feed and play she was waking up hungry. They also taught me some things to listen for when she cries - to stop and evaluate what kind of cry she is making, and to look at her body language before putting her to bed - is she windy, are those tired signs, etc etc.

To say our lives have changed in the last week is a complete understatement. She now goes into her cot for her sleeps, all swaddled and comfy, and she is sleeping between 2 and 3 hours at a time during the day. She wakes up smiling and cooing and ready for a feed, and I watch her closely to make sure she is actively feeding before we go onto playtime, during which I watch her for those tired signs.

She is going down to sleep with either just a little rocking, or a dummy - though the last few sleeps I have just kissed her, popped her in bed while she is still awake, and within a few minutes of chatting to herself she is fast asleep. The only exception seems to be when she is about to do a poo - I can't settle her then but have learned the signs so last night after two attempts at settling I brought her out to sit with us during dinner, held her while we watched TV till she got grizzly, then took her to bed for some cuddles and comfort feeding. An hour later the poo arrived!

Our new record is just over 6 hours sleep during the night, and last night she clocked up five hours from 10pm to 3am. Even better is how confident I feel - the days just feel easier and it's not a constant struggle, wondering how long she will sleep for and whether I can get something done while she is asleep. And, she seems so much happier and more content.

We took her up North on Saturday to visit my Mum - I was a bit worried about getting her out of her routine and environment but needn't have - she went down for two sleeps up there really easily, had lots of cuddles from Nana, and apart from crying in the car on the way home (hungry and the ear pressure from going over the big hills) she was fantastic. It was a really nice day, and things just feel so amazingly good right now - Rupert and I are beside ourselves with how well she is doing. I even had my first night home alone when Rupes was on a business trip and managed just fine, despite that afternoon being a bit rough with a poo coming on - before I had really figured out the signs and how to deal with it.

So. Happy Mummy, Happy Daddy and a very happy and active Grace! She is getting so strong, and even Plunket were saying her movement is advanced for her age - all that jumping around in the womb no doubt!

Red Letter Day

2010-04-19T16:07:00.000+12:00

This morning, Grace had her first sleep in her cot! Took me about half an hour to settle her, but she slept soundly for 2 hours. Then, off to Plunket - she is now 6.11kgs and 60cm long! She is doing so great, growing beautifully.

We came home, back to the cot, and she was asleep within five minutes - but has since woken up and is crying. I'm just going in and out to calm her but she has to learn about sleep - she definately needs it!

So...onward and upward in the household!

Three months!

2010-04-17T19:49:00.002+12:00

Three months old yesterday! The time has flown by, and our little girl gets cuter by the day. It was a tough day though, as I had to take Grace to the doctor for her immunisation shots. I hate those - but she was actually pretty good, a bit of screaming and crying when the injections went in but I fed her straight afterwards, and by the time we left she was back to her cooing and squeaking. I've never heard such high pitched squeals - but she is doing them more and more, and we have quite the little conversations!

On Monday I took her to our work sales meeting - she was really good, showed her off to the 100 or so folk there and then took her for a walk before returning for the coffee at the end of the meeting. She was happy and cooing right up to the end and then she cried all the way home!

It seems like every day there is a new thing to marvel at - she grabbed her toy, she rolled from her tummy onto her back, she rolled from her back onto her side, she looked at the pictures when I read her a book, she stopped crying when I sang "our" song...it's fascinating and wonderful all at once. We are still struggling with her daytime sleeping - she really is not interested in being on a proper schedule and will happily (and sometimes unhappily!) be awake for four or five hours at a time! Last Sunday we started giving her one feed of formula in the evenings which she took to with no problems, so that's been lovely - Rupert feeds her while I express to keep my supply up.

Today Rupert took primary care of Grace while I got some work done - he bathed her, and rocked her to sleep, and read to her and took her out for a walk in the buggy. We went to the mall this morning and ran some errands, including getting her passport photo done - she looked straight at the camera after a little coaxing! So, today has been a good day in that she has had some really good long sleeps, which is fairly unusual for her. Having said that, she was awake pretty much the whole time we were at the mall!

On Monday she has her next weigh in and measurements, and then on Tuesday she and I are going to the Plunket sleep centre to spend the day with the nurses. I really just want them to see what she is doing during the day and get some ideas about how to transition her to sleeping in her cot, and for them to see her when she is windy and fretful and to tell me whether that is normal or if there is something more I can do. I figure every little bit of advice will help!

As for me - I am doing ok, though I have been really tired out this week. Last night I was so weary I went to bed early and Rupert rocked Grace to sleep in her bouncy chair before putting her in bed with me at 11pm. It was wonderful getting a little more sleep. I get grumpy when I am tired so I need to work on that a little more - it's so not fair on Rupes having me being snappy with him! But, all in all, the worst day with Grace is still way better than the days before we had her, and things feel like they are gradually falling into place and becoming easier. It's all pretty darn good really :-)

A Very Happy Easter

2010-04-06T09:38:00.002+12:00

Grace's first Easter - and no she didn't eat the bunny! I did :-)

Aunty Cat arrived from Perth on Friday and we have had the loveliest weekend - lots of eating and relaxing and reading and playing with Grace. Cat and Grace spent a lot of time cooing at each other which was lovely. And Cat and Rupes took Grace out for some walks so I could so some work, so all in all a very happy easter.

In between playing with Grace, Cat and Rupert cooked up a storm in the kitchen so we have had some divine meals and snacks. Just lovely to spend time with Catherine too - and lovely that she loves Grace as much as we do!

While Cat was here I moved back to the bedroom with Rupert - we had a couple of good nights, one not so great, but mostly good - Grace slept for 5 hours at a stretch one night, woke for a small feed, and slept another 2 hours. Luxury! She is getting very talkative too - lots of squeals and cooing - very cute, though not so cute when she decides 2am is the best time for an hour long chat with Mum!

We'll miss Cat who goes home today, but Grace will be having her first overseas trip in November for Cat and Troy's wedding in Fremantle, so it's not really that long!

Why?

2010-03-27T07:13:00.003+13:00

I love the suburb where I live. It's an interesting mix of housing, from waterfront mansions to state rentals, and is truly multicultural. There are bush trails for walking or biking, a huge park with an exercise machine circuit, access to the water at high tide. It's beautiful. I love that I can walk on a Sunday and hear the different songs in various languages from the churches, and see the families all dressed up in their various Sunday best. That I can wander through the park and see people with their dogs, groups of teens having a game of soccer or touch rugby, older folks sitting on the benches in the sun - all shapes, ages, colour and sizes.

There is a darker side though - a couple of streets away is a known drug house. I've walked past there many times and watched cars arriving for their purchases. And just along the walkway is a street that is my "loop track" when I walk - out of our house, down the coastal walkway, up this particular street and then back down into our road. And from one of the houses on this street a 2 year old has been injured so terribly that she is in critical condition in hospital, with a man charged with assault and more charges likely.

This is a house I know. I've walked past it probably hundreds of times. I think I have even seen the little girl who has been hurt. And she will probably die, or live with severe brain damage. I cannot comprehend who would do this to a child. I just can't. It breaks my heart that in my community, my own neighbourhood, this could happen.

Grace is ten weeks old today. As I hold her and look at her perfection, her wee smiles and her funny expressions, I just cannot imagine hurting her. Yesterday, she had awful wind pain. She screamed and cried for what seemed like ages. I walked her and rocked her and fed her and even had a few tears myself. And I could understand how in frustration someone could shake a baby, if they were exhausted and under other stresses. But there are so many options available - call Plunket, call a friend, put the baby in a safe place and go take a shower or a break.

I don't know what the answer is - I know that it does take a village sometimes to raise a child, and maybe it takes a village to keep a child safe. Maybe it just takes us all keeping our eyes open and not being too scared to offer a hand if someone is under stress, or calling the authorities if we see anything. We can't keep hurting and killing our children.

Grace is growing amazingly - each day she feels a little heavier - I am certainly getting my upper body workout! She has developed a very mischievous smile accompanied by a sideways look - it cracks us up, but makes us worry about what kind of child we will be raising! Each day there seems to be new levels of alertness and play - it's so wonderful to watch. Mostly she is very very good and easy, but we do get the evening grizzlies, or she will wake up with wind pain crying and yelling her head off! Who knew a wee thing could make so much noise! Still, we are getting there, and after a very good night she has just gone down for her morning nap with the minimum of fuss so today might be a good day :-)

Rupert is off doing the Motatapu Rangitoto Island marathon, so it's a quiet day for Grace and I - I have some work to catch up on in preparation for financial year end next week, so it is time to get moving on that!

Two Months Today!

2010-03-16T07:44:00.002+13:00

Our wee girl is not so wee anymore! Two months old today and at her Plunket check up yesterday she was 5.03 kgs, and 56cm long. I hadn't realised how much she had grown until I held a friend's newborn boy on Sunday! It was fun going back to the hospital to see the cute new arrival - and to see our midwives who were so helpful when we were there.

She really is just a lovely girl. We have our times of crying like everyone, but more and more we are able to settle her or at least work out what she wants! It was a busy week, a photographer friend came over to take some family shots which should be nice, and we went to dinner at another friend's place on Saturday night, as well as having the neighbours come down here on Friday night for shared fish and chips :-)

Lots of smiles now, and "chatting" away to me when she is in the mood. She's still feeding really well and the nurse said her eye tracking was very good and her neck strength was coming along nicely.

I've been a little tired over this last week - I think the days are so quiet when we are on our own that when Rupert gets home sometimes the bustle overwhelms me - the dogs are excited to see him, then he makes dinner and often Grace is doing her grizzlies, so it can become a little noisy and stressful. Rupert, bless his heart, is ever forgiving and understanding and he is so good with her.- I really have a star husband.

In addition to all that, our cat Dream has had surgery for an abcess on her face so she ended up sleeping downstairs - this is a cat who does not like to be inside! She is fine though and in a few more days can resume her normal post on the sheepskin at the back door!

I must admit it's nice now that it is cooler - for one thing I get to dress Grace in some of her beautiful clothes, and we both sleep a little better at night! So...two months down already and life is pretty darn good!

The Blogosphere

2010-03-07T12:56:00.008+13:00

Over the years, blogging has been a lifeline for me. Not only in writing my own blog but in following the blogs of other women going through the same, or similar life experiences. There were blogs I read that "everyone" read - like alittlepregnant.com, or tertia.org. And then there were the blogs I found where women wrote honestly and openly about their issues. Some of those women became friends - I may never meet them, or talk to them on the phone, but we have shared something of ourselves with each other and that creates a bond that is intense. I can imagine sitting down for coffee with any one of these women and not running out of things to talk about.

There is Eden, the incredibly brave, honest and funny blogger in Australia - who makes me laugh and cry in equal amounts. She and I had the longest game of Facebook scrabble! Eden has been through more than anyone I know - and yet manages to come out smiling (and swearing)!

Then there is Faith, who was blessed with the most gorgeous twins over two years ago. She and I originally met on a newsgroup and stayed in touch - it's been a joy to watch her boys grow up if only on line! She's always been there with an email or a comment through my bad news - and my good!

And then there is one of my earliest "blog mates" - Mony in Aussie. She has a wee boy - actually not so wee anymore - named Cooper and he is adorable. I've followed her journey with so much interest - and I am pretty sure I wasn't the only blog reader to cry when she announced her pregnancy. So, hearing from Mony today (while I had been thinking about what to blog about this week) and her telling me that she had made the quilt pictured for my wee Grace - well! What a gift! Thank you Mony xx! It is just gorgeous and with the cooler days arriving soon it will be perfect for her buggy!

I'd post a picture of Grace today but she has her milk spots. Ha! She's still darn cute though.

Highlights this week - her smiling at herself in the mirror, graduating to infant nappies and then being demoted back to newborn when we realised the infant size leaked, lots of snuggles and cuddles and good feeding. Lowlights - taking her out for the afternoon yesterday and ending up with a very overtired wee girl - she's still sleeping it off! And two days without a poo - this from a girl who normally poos at least five times a day. Apparently it's normal for them at this age - I'm just dreading the arrival of what must be a poo to exceed all those that have gone before! The week was spent working on getting her in a routine - wow, the first few days were hard. But she is doing so much better, and I think she is happier for it - certainly more settled anyway.

So - to my blogging buddies - thank you! There were times when I thought I would never be in the same club as each of you - we truly were the lucky and blessed ones.

Note - to those of you who are still trying - I am SO sorry. I would do anything I could to help you - I know how it is to be the one left behind. I never thought my dream would come true. I hope yours does one day, in whatever form that has to take. PLEASE forgive me if any of my posts hurt you. Love and hugs, and never give up xx

Lessons...

2010-02-28T14:05:00.006+13:00

Grace is teaching me so much. This little six week old baby has totally changed my life - even more than I had anticipated. I'm learning patience - you can't hurry a baby with her feeding. I'm learning to be more organised - nothing worse than running out of clean nappies when out of the house! And I'm learning that no matter how tired I am, when she needs me, I can be there. I'm also definately learning to ask for help - Rupert is amazing and does so much for both of us...

It was an interesting week - I turned 43 on Tuesday and had a few moments of wondering how on earth I ended up with a baby at my age. Actually, it was a really nice day, Rupes made a nice dinner, my Dad visited with gifts, and Murray brought over a cake - chocolate! And I got lots of other gifts and emails and texts and Grace was very good all day and all night. I also took Grace to a baby first aid class run by our antenatal group - nice to see the other babies and mums and get some good advice just in case anything happens. God forbid!

On Wednesday we had our final appointment with the specialists for my sign off - Grace decided to save up all her number 2's for that outing, so three nappy changes from the time I left home till we got back - and a fair amount of annoying crying from her! Thursday - growth spurt day, she fed pretty much all day from early morning till about 4pm. That was hard - but at the same time, it was obviously what she needed so another lesson learned - putting aside what I didn't need to do or worry about to take care of her.

Then Friday we saw my GP for Grace's first appointment and her immunisation jabs. I love my GP - she has been such a support over the years, so it was really special for her to meet Grace. Of course, Grace then proceeded to pee and poo all over the exam table while having her hips checked, which left Doc and I in hysterical laughter. As for the injections - ahhh that was so hard. Her wee face screwed up and went bright red each time...then the longest moment of silence followed by a huge scream! Have now decided next time to have her on the breast so it might be a little easier.

She was pretty unhappy and grizzly after the jabs - no wonder, and I basically spent all of Friday night cuddling her and feeding her as she wanted. She'd doze off and then wake up sobbing - just heartbreaking. We gave her the first ever dose of Pamol for the temperature she had, and that helped I think - but it was just one of those nights where it was all about her, and not about routine or anything else.

Every time I look at her I just think - how blessed are we? How close did we come to missing out on this wee treasure? I'm forever grateful.

Ahh yes...

2010-02-20T17:33:00.002+13:00

Folks have been warning us that things might not always go so smoothly. I hate it when folks are right!

On Tuesday morning Grace was unsettled and grizzly...definately wind in the lower bowel, her wee tummy was bloated and her legs were kicking and drawn up. We went into the office but only lasted till 12 then I brought her home. All she wanted to do was feed - then she would fall asleep on the breast, then I would put her down for a nap - and 15 minutes later she would be crying and grizzling again. I tried everything - a ride in the car, a buggy walk, a bath. Tummy time, lots of massage, gripe water. That pretty much went on all of Tuesday night and during the day on Wednesday - some longer naps, but nothing more than an hour. Poor wee Grace, she was getting so overtired - as was her mother! Finally, on Wednesday evening we did the hardest thing ever - put her in her bassinet and let her cry herself to sleep. It took 20 minutes - 15 of which I spent in the shower so I couldn't hear her.

The good thing was that once she was asleep she went back into her four hour night routine and three hour day routine (it's not quite that perfect, but pretty close!). What a relief. I feel like I passed a bit of an acid test - I'm not at my best when tired, but I coped pretty well, apart from a few quiet weary tears. She's been good since - though we are giving her gripe water with every second feed which seems to be helping. She's obviously inherited her mother's digestive system!

We had our first Plunket visit yesterday (for those overseas, Plunket is the organisation in NZ that keeps an eye on babies from newborn up to when they are 5 years old - they run courses and nurses visit or you attend clinics so your baby can be measured, weighed etc and any problems you have can be sorted). Grace is now officially 4.02 kgs, 55 cm long and her head circumference is 37cm. So another good week of growth.

And in great news, it is cooler! We have had awful humidity the last few weeks and it's so nice that it is now a bit cooler - Grace actually wore a onesie yesterday when we went to the library. First time she's worn anything but a nappy, and occasionally a vest or t shirt. She looked very stylish in her stripy outfit, though I did manage to lose a sock between the house and the car!

One month old

2010-02-15T17:20:00.004+13:00

Today our wee Grace is one month old. Where has the time gone? I am ever grateful that I was blessed with this experience - each day with her is like a gift. She really is the most beautiful baby, and I remind myself daily how lucky we are to have her.

Things I have learned in the first month:

You can never have too many cloth nappies - even when you are using disposables.

Nothing is better than cuddling your crying baby and having her quiet immediately.

Wind is the bane of all babies and mothers!

A smile at 3am makes the lack of sleep worth it.

Family and friends are wonderful - sharing the joy with us, and giving us advice and tips.

You can love someone so completely that nothing is a problem. Nothing.

Husbands are the best, even putting up with you when you are grumpy and tired in the evenings and taking care of everything that you can't quite manage.

Breastfeeding is fantastic in so many ways, I am so glad I haven't had any problems.

Having a baby, watching her grow and change and learn is a miracle. I am so thankful.

Leaps and Bounds

2010-02-11T11:49:00.004+13:00

Miss Grace has gained another 300 grams in six days bringing her to a grand total of 3700 grams - and is now 53cm long (she was 49cm at birth). Her head circumference is 36cm, up 1cm on birth. All in all, she is doing very well!

We had our first smiles last week, and apart from feeding like a maniac (partially due to the very hot weather I think) she is a darling. We have had a couple of sessions of very upset crying, due to wind, but those were over fairly quickly.

And me? I am doing great. I get tired in the evenings sometimes, but have been into work twice this week with Grace and it's all gone well. Today we walked to the store, and that felt really good - no pain from the C section scar. And, I've lost 11 kilos in total - down to 78 kilos. My pre pregnancy weight was 84, and the heaviest I got while pregnant was 89, so I am pleased - surprised, but pleased! Am eating like a horse but all that breastfeeding is obviously using up all my fat reserves. Hmmm. Wonder if Rupes will let me feed her for a couple of years LOL!

Three Weeks

2010-02-07T09:29:00.002+13:00

Grace turned three weeks old yesterday. We've had a good week - I managed to get some work done, and Rupes was home so he looked after her between feeds. She's mostly in a routine now - 3 hourly during the day, sometimes 4 hourly at night, but that can change in a heartbeat!

The midwife came on Friday and Grace is now 3400 grams, so she gained 300 grams in a week which is great. Am not surprised with the amounts of milk she is chugging down! And am so grateful that breast feeding is pretty easy for me.

Shortly, we are off to our antenatal group picnic - of the 12 ladies, 8 of us have babies, and 4 are still waiting. If I was one of the ones still waiting I would be going nuts by now! I spent yesterday sorting out clothes - one of my bosses dropped off a huge bagful, plus we had lots of gifts during the week - wee Grace is not going to need a wardrobe topup for a year or so! It's nice too as it gives us outfits to pass on to other folks as Grace grows out of things - however, that's a while away as she is still too small for newborn clothes!

She is getting more and more alert - reaching out and grasping things, holding on to my bra while she feeds, she even reached out and touched my face the other night during a feed. It was lovely :-)

Nearly two weeks old

2010-01-29T07:26:00.003+13:00

It's hard to believe that Grace will be two weeks old tomorrow. She is doing beautifully and we have had mostly good nights - though last night she put on a feeding spurt that lasted from 10pm to 4am! It's strange how you can be so tired, yet still love her so absolutely!

The midwife visited yesterday and Grace has had her first weight gain - born at 3060grams, she dropped to 2980grams and then 2940grams, but is now 3100grams. I am so proud of our wee munchkin.

Gifts and cards continue to arrive, along with visitors - this wee girl is incredibly spoiled! And our lovely neighbours have brought us dinner a couple of times which has been so helpful with Rupert being back at work this week. Makes life a little easier though I am finding I am managing to get most things done during the day.

I can't really put into words just how much I love her. She looks at me with her blue eyes and I just melt - she has the funniest expressions, a very definate frown, followed by the cutest wind smile, then a quizzical "who or what are you" look. Life really is a wonderful thing right now.

It's interesting - on the 18th January 2009 I wrote a post officially closing this blog. A year later, almost to the day, we have Grace. I couldn't be happier to be wrong!

The first week...

2010-01-23T11:30:00.003+13:00

Well, little Grace is now a week old! And I fall more in love each day. She is a good baby, wakes up murmuring to herself rather than crying, but hates her nappy being changed. She feeds well but is inclined to fall asleep on the breast which can make feed times a little long. She sleeps well once she is off, though some of her nights so far have been a little tough as she is more active and harder to settle. But all in all - how cute is she?

Rupert has been an incredible support - he is definately the most hands on Daddy I have ever seen, which has been wonderful as I have had a couple of days of nausea and vomiting, so have needed the help - and a bit of extra sleep at times. A couple of days ago I was back at my pre pregnancy weight, and I've lost more since, so I need to be a little careful and keep up the food intake.

So...now to the birth story.

We were told on my last appointment on the Thursday that we would need to be at the hospital on Friday morning to be induced, so off we went, all excited. However, because I was having frequent Braxtons they couldn't use the gel so there was a lot of lying around waiting and being monitored. Finally at 2.30 the doctor said we could either go home, or she would use the gel then. I felt really strongly that we were there, we were ready and I just wanted her out. It was the best decision though I didn't know it at the time.

After the gel was inserted, I sent Rupert home as they said it wouldn't start to work for quite some time. While I waited, I walked - the hospital is near a lake where I spent a lot of time as a kid, so it was kinda nice to see how it was still the same. Finally, I started getting some contractions, so it was back into bed onto the monitor, and for Rupert to come back. As the contractions got stronger, the midwives realised that Grace's heartbeat was dropping quite dramatically and it became apparent that she wouldn't be able to handle full labour. So, a few more hours of monitoring to confirm that they started prepping me for a caesarian. I must admit to a few tears at this point - partly worry over Grace, and partly because I really wanted a natural labour. But, at the end of the day we had to do what was best for her and get her out safely. The doctor thanked me for listening to my intuition - if we had gone home and labour had started naturally we would have had no idea that she was distressed. As it was, even after the gel, my cervix hadn't dilated past 1cm and was still firmly at the back so even breaking my waters wouldn't have been an option.

The surgical team were awesome - so reassuring, and they took really good care of Rupes and I. I just had an epidural so could feel everything but see nothing, and of course no pain. Quite a strange feeling actuallyl! It was all over so quickly, that strange tugging as they pulled her from me, that first quick peek over the screen and hearing her yelling. I couldn't stop crying - her wee face, that shock of black hair, those tiny wee hands. Rupes stayed with her while they made sure she was ok and I was stitched back up, and it seemed like no time at all before we were up in our room with our tiny wee girl.

We had the most fantastic care - the midwives were wonderful, particularly one who spent so much time with Grace and I that she became a friend. I was told that I could stay in for about five days, but by the time I got the feeling back in my legs and was walking around a few hours after the birth I knew there was no way I would stay that long, so we came home on the Monday morning.

There are so many special moments I want to remember - the night where Grace was cluster feeding and the midwives let me sleep through it and just came in and changed her from side to side every fifteen minutes. Having half our ante natal class in the maternity ward at the same time and visiting with the other mothers. Trying to be supportive to one mother and father because their baby was 6 weeks early and in the special care unit. Having the head midwife tell everyone what a miracle Grace was and having nurses coming down to check her out for themselves. Gifts and flowers and visitors and oh the love in that room at times. And finally, leaving, and the very careful drive home before carrying her into the house and the start of a whole new life.

It really doesn't get any better than this does it?

Welcome to the World - Grace Charlotte

2010-01-19T08:09:00.003+13:00

Just a quick post at this stage - baby Grace was born 16th January at 1 minute past midnight by caesarean section after being distressed thru early labour. She weighed 3060 grams, 6.7 pounds, and was 49cm long. With a lot of black hair!

We came home yesterday - Monday, and are just settling in to life at home - all is well though, she is feeding beautifully and I have no major pain from the surgery, so feeling quite in control and very happy!

38 Weeks...8.5 months

2010-01-10T08:19:00.001+13:00

I understand now why whales beach themselves - they are just tired out!

38 weeks - so less than 2 weeks to go, and baby is still very active and am still getting a lot of Braxton Hicks contractions. At this stage, I go in on Thursday for a cervix check and depending on the results from that we talk about induction. I kinda hope I go naturally before then but she does seem fairly comfy in there!

Total weight gain still 5 kilos, so it's all in the bump.

So...tired, uncomfortable, but generally well and happy - I can't complain too much! Though she does have this new spot for thrusting her foot out - just under my ribcage on the side of my tummy. OUCH!

On Wednesday I had a scheduled check up - baby moved early in the morning and then I didn't feel anything for a couple of hours - even when I prodded her, or laid down and did deep breathing - so by the time I got to the obstetricians office I had worked myself into a minor panic. Ten minutes on the monitor followed by a scan eased my mind - she had just moved so her back was out and feet were in - so I wasn't feeling her. It was my first real panic meltdown of the pregnancy so while I felt like a bit of a dork, I was still really pleased the doctor took me seriously and made sure I was reassured.

The Countdown...

2010-01-02T16:59:00.000+13:00

37 weeks today, and things are going very very well. Baby is growing well, and engaged in the D2 position still, she is still very active and apart from the aches and pains and the heat I am feeling well.

Lots of contractions but so far only the false ones - they keep assuring me that I will know when the real thing happens!!

We are pretty much ready - I spent a blissful day or two pre washing all her gorgeous clothes and ironing them - last time they ever get ironed I bet! The bassinet is in our bedroom, the labour bag is pretty much packed apart from last minute stuff. Yeah, I think I might be having a baby :-)

It was a quiet Christmas - just what we needed, and gave me some time to finish off the work at the office so that cuts down on the stress there. New Years BBQ at a friends place was lovely - I lasted till about 10pm. Not a great stayer these days!

8 months!

2009-12-23T15:21:00.002+13:00

Am kinda pinching myself - 8 months pregnant today! Wow. Time has gone quite quickly in some ways, but I get the feeling the next few weeks will pass very very slowly.

Had my doctors appointment today - they did a scan and baby girl is engaged - officially D2 and apparently D4 is full labour, so she's in a great position. Fluid and all is very good, and my blood test results are all good too (iron, platelets etc).

So...just a few more weeks. I had a very uncomfortable day on Sunday with lots of Braxton Hicks which would have been her moving down into the pelvis - I honestly thought I might have gone into early labour then, but she is holding on and doing great :-)

Been a busy week or so - office lunches, Christmas Party, our ante natal get together - I'm looking forward to a few quiet days off over Christmas to enjoy this last little time!

What is to come...

2009-12-14T09:01:00.002+13:00

I can't quite believe that in just a few short weeks this part of the journey will be over and we will be meeting our wee girl for the first time. I laid awake last night, feeling her wriggle and kick inside me, thinking about what it is going to be like meeting her, holding her, feeding her, dressing her.

I worry about being a good mother, about doing the right things for her. Having the patience to play her games over and over again. Having the stamina to keep up with her when she is toddling. About always having time to cuddle her and love her and let her know she is the most important part of our lives.

I think a lot about what I want for her, for her childhood. I want her to be secure, to be loved. I want her to have her fairyland where things are beautiful and sweet and happy for as long as possible. I want her to be my friend, as well as my daughter. I want her and her father to have a bond that goes beyond him being just Daddy, to him being the man she most looks up to and admires. I hope that she will come to us with any problems or concerns. I hope that she is happy and fulfilled and finds her way in life easily. I want to protect her from pain, though I know that's not always possible. I want her to be her own person - to be strong and confident and able to make those tough decisions that face us all in our teens.

I love her already. And if love is enough, then we will be just fine.

34 Weeks...

2009-12-12T08:06:00.002+13:00

Another week has ticked by - time feels like it is going really quickly now. Saw the obstetrician on Monday - he is happy with progress and baby is looking good - he did say again that they would be monitoring me very closely from 36 weeks due to my age and possible complications. He talked about degraded placentas and pre eclampsia, but so far everything is fine and I have a good amount of fluid. I've still only gained 4.5 kilos, but she is growing well, so I guess that's the main thing! He also said they definately wouldn't let me go beyond term so our baby will be here in a maximum of six weeks. Oh gosh! Now that sounds scary!

I've pretty much given up sleeping with hubby - we start off reading and then when it's sleep time I take my pillows upstairs to the spare room. Much more comfy - I can spread out with pillows on each side and if I do wake up I can turn the light on and read myself to sleep again. Had some pretty broken nights as I get bigger and the heat we have had lately doesn't help. It does mean he can get some sleep though without me disturbing him 5 or 6 times a night for pee stops or pillow arrangement or reflux!

All is good. Really good. I did think I was going into labour last night when I had a long series of Braxton Hick's and a sore back, but am back to normal again this morning! It may have just been the heat, or the long week. Our wee girl is still very active and the other day I actually held her wee foot through my stomach. Very odd - and she might be ticklish cos she wiggled while I was holding it!

Where did my ankles go?

2009-12-06T09:03:00.002+13:00

I had the first few days of swollen feet and ankles - most uncomfortable! It's been a busy couple of weeks - we had Rupert's work Xmas party, a visit to Christmas Wonderland with my work, month end at the office for me, a lot of disturbed nights, and just generally lots on (New Moon with Jo at Gold Class was a highlight!). It's also been quite humid and warm which doesn't help so much with either the swelling or the sleeping! Still, happy to have ticked off 33 weeks yesterday!

Gave myself a huge scare yesterday afternoon - slipped on the stairs and landed quite heavily on my butt - once I'd got my breath back I felt ok, but got into bed anyway. Was feeling quite shaky and then decided to get out of bed only to have this awful pain right down in my abdomen. Baby was kicking and I checked her heartbeat and it was all fine - but rang the obstetrician on call anyway and he thought it was just my ligaments being stretched from the sudden bump. An hour or two in bed with a hot wheat bag and I was fine, and feeling good today. And slept through last night for the first time in weeks, so that helps me feel a lot better!

Our flatmate, Murray, moved out yesterday. We're going to miss him, but at the same time as baby gets closer it will be good to have the extra room for visitors or for me to sleep in when I am unsettled, and a lot quieter for him with a baby crying all hours of the day and night. So I have been told anyway :-) He's been a huge help though, and is such a good mate, so he will be missed.

We covered breast feeding at ante natal class last week - really interesting, and I am definately hoping I am one of those who is able to breast feed easily. We shall see!

Another week goes by

2009-11-21T11:33:00.003+13:00

And it was a pretty good one. Managed three days off work, two days on - and had lots of errands and appointments on my days off. Ticking off the "things to do/buy/learn" list!

Had my obstetrician appt - they are happy with everything and confirmed she is still head down and probably will stay that way, which is great news. Lots of movement this week, and it's really noticeable as my tummy jumps or rolls when she is active. Last night was pretty funny - as she was moving my inny belly button was pushed up and then sank back down a few times.

All is well at the 31 week point. Some more broken nights with reflux and baby gymnastics, as well as my thigh aching/burning and calves aching - but honestly, those things are small compared to how wonderfully things are going. There is a small part of me, the 2am worrying part, that wonders when the axe will fall, when something will go wrong. I'm trying to tell that scaredy cat side of me to go away and let me just enjoy. It works mostly! I don't think I will leave that fear behind until she is safely born and in our arms.

The nursery is taking shape - should have her name letters to hang on the wall next week, and Rupes is out shopping now for a lightshade and lamp and rug. The knobs for the dressing table should be here soon, and we made up the cot last night - so pretty with the gorgeous bedding my boss and his partner gave us. She won't be sleeping in the nursery for quite some time (she will be in our room in a bassinet) but it's lovely to have it set up and ready for her - she'll probably have the odd nap in there so she is used to it.

A busy week ahead - another doctor's appointment, off to a La Leche Breastfeeding meeting, having coffee with a friend, a massage and pedicure (ooh I am so looking forward to that), a couple of aqua aerobics sessions, ante natal class - oh and work has to fit in there somewhere!

Scan at 30 weeks...

2009-11-14T17:30:00.000+13:00

So reassuring to see our little girl - she was head down (right position for birth) and growing really well. I'd been a little concerned - paranoid perhaps - that my lack of weight gain might mean she was not thriving, but she is still measuring ahead of her age and doing beautifully. Her estimated weight is 1.686 kilos, about 3 and a half pounds, and everything looks great.

She's also been extremely active over the last week - often at night in the wee small hours! She seemed to get quite annoyed when I was sick - I assume the belly cramping gave her a bit of a squeeze and she didn't like it! I've had a few Braxton Hicks contractions this week too - and she always seems to give me a good wallop after those pass.

So, all is well with our wee one. Despite a very tiring tough week, we still have a miracle baby on board and it won't be long before we meet her :-)

30 Weeks!!

2009-11-14T17:23:00.000+13:00

The belly shot at 30 weeks. It's been a bit of a hell week - Rupert got home from the UK on Monday with a nasty gastro bug, and then I got it on Wednesday. I lost 2 kilos in 2 days - and as I had only gained 5 kilos to date I was a little worried about the baby. Thank goodness for the heart beat monitor - I was able to keep a check on her between bathroom bouts and we had the added reassurance of our 30 week scan on Friday (pic to follow).

Despite both of us being unwell during the week, we managed ante natal class on Tuesday, as well as our babycare class today - very practical hands on session and we even got to watch a real live baby being bathed :-) He was very cute, and very well behaved. Then it was off to the mall to do the big shop - cot mattress, pram, baby monitor, car seat, etc etc. The wallet took a bit of a pounding but it's great to have the big stuff out of the way and we stocked up on vests and onesies and the extra bedding we needed.

So...on the downward road now! More in the next post about the scan...

First class...

2009-11-04T07:07:00.002+13:00

Before I talk about the first class - my gestational diabetes test was fine - so no worries there! And (fingers crossed) my rash seems to be fading a little...

So, I'm blonde right? And pregnant? And yes, I turned up to the Tuesday night class - instead of the Thursday night one I was supposed to attend. They swapped me over, so no problem and I'd rather go on Tuesday anyway as Thursday is deep aqua class.

It was kinda fun - a few "getting to know you" games, met some other folks from around where I live. I think I am the oldest there - and the only one without a partner. Rupes will be home for the next one at least! And then we dived straight in to talk about what happens if baby arrives when you are alone, or just alone with your partner. Once they had freaked us all out, we talked about pelvic rocking and optimal positions to sit so baby gets into the right position around 36 weeks. Interesting stuff, and I learnt a few things I didn't know, so I think the class will be worthwhile.

It was fun checking out the various baby bumps too - we are all due in January or February, and some ladies looked HUGE while others barely looked pregnant. All shapes and sizes, so it was fun to see 15 or so pregnant women in the same room.

The rest of the week is going to be busy - movie night tonight with one of our offices, then aqua tomorrow night, then a pot luck dinner with friends on Friday night. I'm looking forward to a quiet weekend before Rupert gets home on Monday! Muzz did great at the New York Marathon and finished in just over 4 hours 30 minutes so that was very cool, so he is now being tourist in NY and then heading to Washington.

That's about it for me - I have some appointments to book for next week - 30 week scan and back to the naturopath for my last trimester's herbal supplements. Our wee girl seems to be doing well from the kicking and the heartbeat monitor but it's always reassuring to see her on a scan, so that's something to look forward to.

Bachelorette...for a while anyhow!

2009-10-31T18:15:00.002+13:00

We had a good weekend away, though it was nice to come home to the dogs and cats! Being a short week it was pretty busy at the office, and then having to fit in a blood test for my rash (no idea what it is, but hopefully they will find out soon) and then a yucky drink and blood test for my diabetes test - cross your fingers on that one please! I managed two aqua classes which were good, I am finding those the best way to exercise right now, and they do help a little with the insomnia which has been tough this week.

Rupert has gone to the UK for just over a week and I am missing him already, and Murray has headed off to New York to run the marathon for his 50th year, so I am solo mum to two dogs, four cats, two fish and an evergrowing baby bump. She's been very active, lots of jumping around and kicking, particularly at night. While the boys are away I am taking it easy though I do have to work over this weekend on month end. I've just sat down and written all my thank you cards from the baby shower - I just love going into the nursery and looking at all the cute wee things! I ordered the cutest drawer knobs - little bumble bees with pink wings, they will look sweet :-)

So, will report back when I have the results from the tests, and on Tuesday I have my first ante natal class so that will be interesting! So, 28 weeks is here, and it feels like the end of the pregnancy is almost in sight - but that will be start of a whole new adventure!

TGIF!!!

2009-10-23T07:23:00.003+13:00

Friday! And a long weekend here in NZ - we are heading up to stay with my Mum at the beach. A couple of days of rest and relaxation, just what the doctor ordered. And Mum gets to check out my baby bump!

Speaking of the doctor, had my check up on Wednesday and all is good. Interestingly, they told me that they wouldn't get me go past 38/39 weeks due to my age - so that will bring the due date back to mid January. I am so not complaining! Things will start to get busy now with appointments - blood test next week for 28 weeks, including the dreaded glucose test for gestational diabetes - very much hoping to pass that one. Then a scan at 30 weeks and again at 32, plus obstetrician appointments every 2 weeks. Oh and fitting in a visit to the naturopath, and then from 35 weeks weekly appointments with the midwife and obstetrician. Gah! I am going to need to go down to part time work just to fit it all in - that will happen in November.

Mostly I am feeling well. Reflux is definately my major problem, and mylanta helps. I've had a few very disturbed nights with reflux, a sore hip and aching leg and baby kicking, so last night wore myself out at aqua class and slept through the whole night. Bliss! Walking seems to aggravate the pain in my thigh from baby sitting on a certain nerve - after a walk it feels like my thigh is on fire. Very painful! The rash is still there, but seems to be fading - apparently I have to have another blood test next week for that as well. I guess all those IVF blood tests are good training for this!

BUT isn't it wonderful? Six months today, 27 weeks tomorrow. Baby is around 35cms from head to toe, and her heart beat is strong and sound. She is active and wiggly and certainly lets her Mum know she is there! I even felt her head and foot at my doctors appointment! So, a few physical aches and pains are NOTHING compared to how excited I am :-) She even gave her Daddy a really good strong kick the other night. Wait till I show her how to tickle him when she is big enough!

Ready to drive home...

2009-10-20T17:07:00.000+13:00

Yes my car is a station wagon! And yes - it was completely full!

To all those from C and C who may be reading this - thank you SO much! I may not have mentioned you by name, but you are all on the roster for babysitting duties! I'll miss seeing you every day, but I'll still be around.

For the rest of you - milestones coming up are another doc's appointment tomorrow, six month milestone on Friday (whoop whoop) and then a quiet weekend with hubby at my Mum's place.

Some of the team

2009-10-20T17:04:00.000+13:00

Packing up the car!

To my left holding the pink balloon is Aasta - her new career definately needs to be party planner, she is wasted on accounts!

More baby shower!

2009-10-20T17:01:00.000+13:00

Just one of the many beautiful gifts!

The baby shower!!

2009-10-20T16:59:00.000+13:00

I work for a wonderful company. In the five and a half years I have been with them I have made so many good friends and shared some really fun - and sad - times. I have an awesome boss who has been so supportive over the years, as well as worked my butt off! My co worker and good friend, Aasta (aka as mini-me) organised the most beautiful baby shower. I was sooo nervous! Especially as one by one folks left the office for appointments - with little grins on their faces!

Soon it was time to follow my replacement, Victoria, to the secret location - a lovely venue at the squash club overlooking the lake. Decorated beautifully (in pink of course) with a gorgeous afternoon tea and all of those who could make it from our various offices. And was I spoiled? Oh yes! This wee girl is going to be the best dressed bub this side of LA - and what was lovely was not only the clothes, but the practical gear as well - teething rings, a baby sling, oh all sorts! The presents just didn't stop coming.

My boss Martin (honorary female for the afternoon) was there too, and he and his lovely partner Kim gave me the most gorgeous cot quilt, sheet and bumper set. There were so many beautiful gifts I would hate to single any out - suffice to say that my car was full of balloons and presents for the drive home. I even managed not to cry (too much) and am looking forward to some quiet time in the nursery sorting and finding homes for all the wee things. And Annette organised games (use a ribbon to guess my waistline was rather interesting as most were way bigger than I am really). And the vouchers from one of the offices for mamma massages couldn't have come at a better time!

So, all in all, I was extremely spoilt - will post some more photos so you can get an idea of just how special everyone made me feel :-)

Baby's room

2009-10-18T16:14:00.003+13:00

Yesterday after taking the dogs to Wag n Walk (lots of fun, dogs are still recovering) we fit in a visit to the furniture store. We bought the chest of drawers and bookcase - they match, the colour is just a bit strange in the room! I'd already got the change table in white as well, and the cot is whitewashed, so right now the room looks a bit neutral! Planning on a bright rug, some wall art (maybe her name in big pink letters) and once we have sheets etc on the cot and a foam pad on the change table it should be good. The chest of drawers has one wee stretch and grow in it, plus some blankets and sheets I was given, so I need to start thinking about what else I need. Months yet though right?

Must admit to a few tears - setting up the bookshelf especially. The teddy bear on the top right hand side is mine from when I was 6 years old and we stopped in Sydney on the way to New Zealand. 37 years later I finally get to give it to my daughter. Same with the books - they were ones I loved as a girl, and I've always wanted to be able to share them. I know it will be a while before she will be reading them herself, but I read and talk to her now and I don't think it really matters what the material is :-)

Yesterday we also visited the hospital to see where it will all happen in roughly 14 weeks. It all looked fine - especially the tubs! Am looking forward to those...and I guess the rest of it will happen how it happens! No point worrying about that now :-)

It was a tough week at the office last week - we had a major burst pipe which took out the phone system - I managed to save the server from the downpour! So our financial team is a little behind - we have three computers linked directly to the server and using a vodem for internet access so I think this week is going to be a little interesting - I certainly won't be able to work full time as I currently don't have a computer!

What I am nervous/excited about is the email I got from my co worker Aasta on Friday afternoon - telling me to be ready to follow another co worker on Monday afternoon to a secret location for my work baby shower. I've never been to a baby shower - and certainly not my own! I'm terrified...hehe. They are such sweethearts. I'll tell all about it in the next post...time to go rest up a little, been busy all day sorting the baby's room and heading off to our lovely neighbours for a cool spa and takeaways tonight!

Today's scan

2009-10-13T18:43:00.002+13:00

Today was my 25 weeks and 3 day scan - otherwise known as "the aged mother is paranoid" scan. I just couldn't wait till the next scheduled scan at 30 weeks - I know she is growing, but I wanted to be sure she was still on target and everything was looking good.

She is. It is. She's still measuring about a week ahead, and everything looks just fine, single umbilical artery and all. Estimated weight is .929 kilos - so nearly the big 1 kilo :-) She is active and beautiful and healthy and ours.

On a day when New Zealand cried for the loss of the little Aisling I really really needed this confirmation. My heart goes out to the Symes family and I hope that they can find some peace now that she has been found.

Twenty Four Weeks!

2009-10-04T14:50:00.002+13:00

It's been a big week - Rupes got home on Monday, so lovely to see him and have him home again. We had a work function on Wednesday, and Thursday night I did my first deep aqua class - it was great, harder than I thought it would be but felt nicely weary and tired when I got home. In addition to all that work has been crazy busy, so it's been a balancing act between getting done what was needed to at the office and still getting enough rest at home.

Baby girl is active! Am loving it...feeling her moving just gives me a thrill and it's neat to lay there (or sit there) and feel her kicking around or moving positions. Such a reassuring and exciting feeling - to know that she is doing well inside me and soon she'll be out to say howdy. Well. Maybe she won't say that for a while, but the time to wait is starting to feel really short. Only something like 16 weeks to go!

Another week down

2009-09-26T07:47:00.002+12:00

It's been a good week -busy, but good. Saw my doc on Wednesday for a check up and all is fine, they aren't worried about the lack of weight gain but apparently I should eat as much as I like plus some! I took that to heart last night when I went out with friends for a birthday dinner for one of our mates - amazing restaurant and gorgeous food. Got home at 12 and couldn't believe I'd stayed awake that long! Feeling a little weary today so a quiet day at home doing some chores is in order.

Our wee girl has been pretty active this week - some good hard kicks that make me gasp when it's a sensitive spot - much to the amusement of our admin team when it happened in the middle of a meeting! I've also had my first night of her waking me up wiggling and moving - I just laid there and smiled and talked to her. It's just amazing to feel her move inside me and to know that we are now at 23 weeks and in something like 17 weeks she will be here. I am so truly blessed.

Rupert has been in Germany this week and is on his way home - he'll get back Monday morning and I cannot wait to see him. It's been a long trip for him, and I have missed him so much!

I bought a maternity swimsuit on line - and it arrived and fits well (as well as anything fits over a bump like I have) so am looking forward to getting into some water exercise. That will start towards the end of next week when the craziness at work subsides a little!

22 weeks...

2009-09-19T16:49:00.002+12:00

Well - my belly measures 120cm today. Weight gain is around 4 kilos in total - not quite sure why so low as I seem to eat everything in sight some days! And apart from being really really tired this week all has been good.

A few nights ago I was laying in bed, surfing on my blackberry, wishing Rupert was home - and she started moving. So I was talking to her...and when I talked she moved, and when I stopped talking she stayed still. We had about 15 minutes of that before I had to roll over to get more comfy! Lovely! Had movements pretty much every day to some degree, and her heartbeat is checking out fine every day (though she sometimes takes a bit of finding!)

It's been a full week of training and quiet nights at home walking the dogs, feeding myself (I seem to have a thing for cheese right now) and early nights with good books. I babysat our neighbour last night - he is such a good boy, and went to bed at 7.30 with no hassles at all. He's 2 in January and it's fun wondering what he will make of our baby when she arrives :-)

Went for a long walk with Katie this afternoon, and wore myself out, so poor Toby only got a shorter walk. I'll have to work tomorrow on some accounting stuff, so hopefully I will feel better and more energetic than I did this morning when I basically only got up to get food and drinks and stayed in bed till around 11! I never do that, but it was lovely!

So, 22 weeks. 18 to go - and a lot of growing to do yet I assume - I had to let my pregnancy jeans out by a button on each side this week! It's so fun seeing my bump!

The best feeling in the world...

2009-09-13T08:02:00.002+12:00

I can feel her! It really started yesterday, when Rupes and I were out running errands. We were waiting for a replacement TV (did I mention we got burgled??) and I'd sat down on a chair to rest. And bam...one good strong kick to the inside of my tummy. It was the first definite movement I had felt - and oh it was wonderful. I cried a little. Later that afternoon I felt a whole flurry of movements - deep down in my belly. She really is in there! I seem to only feel them down in my groin - I guess because my lower belly is quite numb from all the surgeries - but it feels so good to know she is there and moving and growing! It has been such a reassurance having the heart beat monitor so I can listen to her every day - but suddenly this all feels very real.

Another thing that happened this week was receiving a letter from our local hospital thanking me for choosing to deliver there, and giving me my patient number. I have a patient number! I am in the system! They are EXPECTING me!!! Me!

It's been a good week - training my replacement at work, who is doing great, and a few more weeks should see me able to start taking it a little easier. Rupert flew out last night for 2 weeks in the UK and Germany - I cried at the airport. I'm used to him travelling - and it's not a problem, but I just felt really sad. When he gets back I will be 23 weeks pregnant! I'm so gonna miss him though - but it is great having Muzz still with us for both company and a bit of a hand with the dogs and chores. He's a blessing right now :-)

On Friday night the boys went off for a movie night out - so I went over to visit a girlfriend who has two wee girls. I was treated to a nearly five year old tantrum (how on earth do mothers keep a straight face while the foot is being stamped up and down) and later to a special show where she danced and fished a banana from the sea. I kept looking at the two girls and thinking - wow, this is really happening to me, I have all of this to look forward to.

I'm at work today, doing some accounting work that I am behind on - and as I have sat here and typed this I've had another two or three movements.

I do know how lucky I am. Every day is so precious with this little miracle. I hope she will always know just how loved she is.

Half Way There

2009-09-05T15:22:00.000+12:00

20 weeks today - and side on I was a little shocked at my picture! I've only gained 3 kilos but was probably 10 kilos overweight anyway so I figure our wee girl is living off my reserves!

Half way there. Wow. Who would have thought it.

I'm saving the bare belly shot for 30 weeks!

She's a Girl!

2009-09-03T07:21:00.002+12:00

Our anatomy scan yesterday morning confirmed my conviction that this was a little girl. She is beautiful - big and healthy, measuring close to 2 weeks ahead! That dream I had very early on was obviously right - where I was holding my wee girl in my arms - I take so much comfort from that dream, silly as it sounds.

We do have a small complication - what is known as "single umbilical artery or SUA" so instead of two arteries running to baby through the cord, we only have one. This occurs in up to 7% of all pregnancies and risk factors are maternal age over 40 (tick), caucasian mother (tick), female baby (tick) and diabetes (ha, not me!).

There is a VERY SMALL correlation between SUA and chromosomal abnormalities so the ultrasound technican took a long time to check everything out very thoroughly - heart, kidneys, bladder, brain etc. We spent a lot of time waiting for baby to unclench her tiny fists (clenched fists are a sign of chromosomal abnormalities, who knew!) but she finally did.

So, our wee miracle girl seems to be absolutely fine and I guess if there are any more concerns we will hear from our obstetrician. But I am not worried at all, I just have this serene sense that things are going to be just fine.

Oh but she is beautiful. And active. And definately quite stubborn. I cried a few times of course but my co worker Aasta was ready with tissues while Rupes just held my hand and didn't take his eyes off the screen the whole time! Her wee head diameter is 5cm now - and at nearly half way she is so strong and chubby and healthy, with long legs like her Daddy. I am truly truly blessed. And oh so very grateful for this wee one.

And yes yes, I will post a belly shot on Saturday, when I will be 20 weeks :-)

An interesting weekend...

2009-08-31T06:52:00.003+12:00

It started well with a lovely dinner out on Friday night to celebrate Rupert's birthday, then a Saturday in the garden. I was pottering around, planting out cuttings, tidying up, while Rupes worked on the main task of emptying the barrel which has housed our goldfish, pulling out the rock garden and taking out the tree that was growing there.

We didn't think any of the goldfish had survived winter, so imagine our surprise to find 3 still alive and lurking in the depths - into a bucket they went with the intention of buying a small inside fishtank for them to live in. Meantime, Rupes has the tree almost out, bent over and jumping on it to bounce the main root out of the ground when disaster struck - his foot slipped and within a minute his ankle was swollen and it was off to our local clinic for x rays. No break as far as they could tell, but a very serious strain, so he is now in plaster and on crutches!

On Sunday I had to work, so Muzz took Rupes back to get his cast checked and then they popped into the pet store and bought the tank. Unfortunately, when they went outside to get the goldfish from the bucket it became apparently that one of the cats had a very nice meal, thank you very much! So now my next job is to pop to the pet store and buy some fish to go into the new tank LOL. Honestly. Men. You think they would have checked the fish first!

Poor Rupes - he sees the specialist on Thursday and until then is unable to put any weight on his foot, drive a car, or do anything else that requires two legs and hands free! Thank goodness for Murray who is running with Toby for us, and I can walk Miss Katie in the evenings!

We have the anatomy scan on Wednesday morning and I can't wait - it's going to be so lovely to see the baby together, and hopefully we might find out boy/girl. I feel like I am pushing out more and more each day - am even finding my baggy old trackpants a little uncomfortable so tend to walk around at home with the tummy sticking out! Highly attractive!

Things I love to hear...

2009-08-27T06:12:00.002+12:00

Do you know what you are having? - complete stranger at the mall the other day.

Your risk of any defects is now 1 in 530 - obstetrician at yesterday's appointment

Whoosh whoosh whoosh - baby's heartbeat through my little monitor

What a gorgeous baby - obstetrician at yesterday's quick scan

My check up appointment yesterday was fine - blood pressure, pee samples all good. She took me off for a very quick scan - baby is getting so big, and looking so cute. Could see the chest rising and falling with the heartbeat, and the arms moving around. She did try for a quick look between the legs but baby was not cooperating - legs crossed and feet drawn up, so no luck. Maybe next week at the 20 week anatomy scan! I don't think I have felt baby move yet - but to be honest, I have a fairly gassy noisy tummy at the best of times so it could be doing laps down there and I wouldn't know yet!

Another week passes

2009-08-23T08:35:00.002+12:00

It was a very busy week - but mostly good! Bump is still growing and I have decided to make the internets wait for a bump picture until 20 weeks - I think I look more fat than pregnant right now! Health wise, still having days of weariness and times of indigestion but am mostly fine. Still having physio for my sore calf - which is driving me nuts - and poor hubby is having to massage the aches every night so I can sleep. Last night I just couldn't get to sleep and tossed and turned till midnight at which point he woke up and massaged my leg and I fell asleep almost right away. What a man!

Had a few hours in the garden yesterday - so nice to be in the sunshine, but felt very tired by the time mid afternoon came around so had an afternoon Nana nap...woke up very groggy but really needed the snooze. On Friday night we went to see the new Harry Potter (well, new to us, the rest of the world has already seen it) which was fun - first movie outing since I got pregnant. However, was desperately uncomfortable and fidgety (sorry Muzz and Rupes) and have decided no more movies unless they are at home - at least watching a DVD I can lay on the floor and sit different ways without getting all achy and sore. Good movie though!

Coming up this week - more interview for my replacement at work (I'm going to continue part time after a couple of months of training my new person) and then my next obstetrician appointment on Wednesday.

17 weeks...

2009-08-16T10:29:00.002+12:00

Apart from the emotional/giddy with joy/cannot quite believe it/oh my god it's happening feelings, I am finding the whole process of pregnancy quite fascinating. And my body's reaction to that process. I've got a couple of those week by week books, and every Saturday I read the next chapter. So, I know that from this point on the baby starts to put on fat, and get those gorgeous chubby wee legs and arms. Which may explain why I woke up this morning tired and absolutely starving and have done nothing but eat all morning! Weight gain at this point is 2 kilos, and the books say 2.5 to 4.5 kilos is normal. I figure baby is living off some of my own fat stores and is welcome to them!

The boys (hubby and flatmate) are away this weekend with a group of mates to do the Rotorua Tough Guy/Gal challenge - 6 or 12kms through mud, ditches, crawling under obstacles. Rupert was very stoked to come in first out of our group down there. I decided to stay home to look after the dogs and just relax a bit, and it has been nice. Yesterday I went to visit a girlfriend who has just had a wee boy - he is gorgeous, and it was so lovely to see him and hold him without all those old feelings of inadequacy and jealousy. Then dropped in to see my Dad and stepmum - their birthdays this week, and then up to my neighbours to watch a DVD (secret life of bees, loved the book, thought the movie was a very good rendering)...

So, here I am at 17 weeks and 1 day. And really really looking forward to the next scan at 20 weeks, but am also enjoying having a heart beat monitor on hire so I can listen to the baby whenever I feel the need. That wee swooshing noise has got to be the best noise in the world until baby actually arrives!

Shopping time

2009-08-09T17:14:00.002+12:00

Before I was pregnant I would find it really hard to go into baby shops...or shops with baby sections. It just really hurt. Even a month ago I found it hard...like I was tempting fate. But necessity won out - I've been struggling with clothes as things just aren't fitting very well anymore! So I did some shopping today - got a couple of tops, some maternity jeans and a cute skirt. Then I went to the baby store and oohed over the cots and room sets - though we have been given so much stuff I don't need to buy anything quite yet - we already have a cot and portacot and Moses basket and change table and high chair. Just need to get some new mattresses. All that stuff is sitting up in our small bedroom waiting for me to have the energy to put it together.

It felt sooo good to be just like all the other pregnant women wandering around those stores. So good to check out the wee blankets, the wee sleep sets and the cute clothes and not think of loss. The women would smile at each other and check out the tummies of others they met in the aisles. It was like finally belonging to a club that I never thought I'd be part of.

Yesterday I had a few hours in the garden - it was finally sunny and I finally had a whole weekend off work. It felt good to get some work done out there, and the boys did a lot of pruning and cutting down trees we didn't want while I replanted my vege garden. It was a nice way to spend that 16 week milestone.

I still seem to get really tired, though that is definately easing. The naturopath is very pleased with my progress and now has me weaning off his wonder herbs through until 20 weeks, and then I will go back at 30 weeks for help with the birth and the baby's health post birth. Still not quite sure I believe in everything he says, but it can't hurt, and may help. So...all good at my end, and getting bigger by the day :-)

Quick Update

2009-08-06T06:32:00.003+12:00

Your maternal serum test was negative. Lovely words to hear on our answerphone last night - meaning that our baby is pretty much risk free for Downs or any of the other chromosomal disorders. I was really pleased to hear that - though as I hadn't been stressing too much (I mean, what can go wrong with a miracle baby???) but it was good to get confirmation.

Now 15 weeks and 5 days - will try and post the inaugural belly shot on the weekend :-) Feeling good - still tired but mostly well, just a bit of indigestion still and a LOT of burping!

Toucha Toucha Toucha Touch Me...

2009-07-30T07:09:00.002+12:00

Earlier this week I went to an awards breakfast - lots of folks there both from the franchise I work for and a lot of folks I know from other offices. About half way through the morning tea I realised that my tummy was getting patted and stroked a lot! And...I really liked it! I didn't find it intrusive or offensive at all - it was just people who cared about me showing their joy in this baby. Kinda nice :-) I mean - I pat my bump all the time, but it's lovely when other friends do too!

Hubby and I saw the obstetrician yesterday - she is pleased with progress and gave us a quick scan - baby waved at Daddy! He/she was sitting bum down, legs up, and despite coughing I couldn't get him or her to move to a better angle. But I must say how cute peanut (or mini P) looked! After that appointment I went and had my blood drawn for the maternal serum test which will hopefully give us a good result and get us up over that 1 in 300 risk factor (currently 1 in 290). I don't have a lot of anxiety over that, I think the NT scan really showed that my risk was very low considering my age.

One of my blogging buddy's of old, Mony, shared her poem for Mylanta with me (below) written when she was pregnant - she is now the proud mother of a gorgeous wee man, and I heart her! After speaking with my doctor I now have my very own packet of the darn stuff. Hopefully it will help with some of the reflux and heartburn! Thanks Mony!!!

My Tribute to.....Mylanta

My innards growl all night and day,
Intestines...bowel in disarray.
Belching acid on the hour,
...regretting what I did devour.
Indigestion! Oh so dire!
My Oesophagus! It burns like fire!
MYLANTA! ....mystic tummy fixer,
Chalky white, supreme elixir.
How I crave your offensive taste,
Spoonfuls gulped with messy haste.
You alleviate the torment well,
And rescue me from heartburn hell.
My trusty friend.... all bottled blue,
Sweet reflux slayer...I heart you.

Woo hoo Second Trimester

2009-07-25T09:57:00.002+12:00

So...today is fourteen weeks, and according to most books, the beginning of the second trimester. Wow. The second trimester! How exciting is that!

Hubby got home from the US on Wednesday - such a relief having him home while I am still really tired and hitting the sack around 7pm most evenings. It's just bliss having him home - not just for the help with the house and dogs...but just having him there. Lovely. And it means our flatmate Muzz has someone to talk to when I sneak off to bed!

So...I am still very tired in the afternoons and evenings. Some days are better than others, there seems to be no real rhyme or reason to it. I am getting a lot of twinges - I assume these are growth or stretching - round ligament pain type things. Not pleasant but usually eased by a change in position. I've had a lot of burping - much to the amusement of my co workers. Not so pleasant after taking my naturopath pills - those things are nasty on the way back up! Apart from that, only a little nausea occasionally and a bit of reflux. All in all I think I've been pretty lucky so far.

Mid week we see our obstetrician for our routine appointment - Rupes is coming with me so I hope we get to do a quick scan or at least have a listen to the heartbeat. I can feel my uterus now below my belly button - so that's quite exciting. Or maybe only if you are me and any sign is an exciting one! Tummy is definately sticking out now. I pat it a lot :-)

Emotionally - all over the show. So hopeful, so excited, cannot believe this is happening. But at the same time nervous - is that fibroid going to interfere, is that twinge the start of something bad, I don't feel tired - am I going to lose the baby? Those kinds of thoughts - usually at around 2am when those dark fears can creep in. All I can do is keep marking off the days and weeks and take comfort in the fact that this baby is growing well. I am so blessed.

My favourite photo...

2009-07-17T17:27:00.001+12:00

See the wee shoulder? And the hands? And the side of the face?

:-)

Happy happy Pixxiee

NT Scan

2009-07-17T17:06:00.002+12:00

Woke up this morning at 4am...really nervous. And starving. Hehe. Went for my scan this afternoon after what seemed like a REALLY long morning at work...has a clock ever moved so slowly?

Upshot is...we have one active wee baby...at 12wks and 6 days it is measuring 13wks and 3 days. My risk of Downs based on my age is 1 in 43. My new amended risk based on the measurements is 1 in 290. That may change still further when I have maternal serum blood tests in a few weeks.

Despite baby flipping over on to his/her stomach all the time they also managed to get a good nasal bone measurement, and all in all the radiologist was very happy with the way things are coming along. What a relief. I felt really drained afterwards. Just tension leaving my body...it felt so good to get this over with.

I can feel my uterus now above my pelvic bone - very odd. And feel like I am showing a little more each day - it will be interesting when hubby gets home from the US middle of next week and what changes he notices after not having seen me for 2.5 weeks.

I also had one of those cool 3 or 4d pics, so will post that shortly!

It was a dark and stormy day...

2009-07-11T08:12:00.002+12:00

In fact, a perfect day to spend a quiet Saturday at the office in catch up mode. My miracle pregnancy has coincided with the company I work for merging with another company - and oh my desk is groaning with piles of paper and things to do.

I woke up around 4am (thanks Toby, who decided that he was cold and trying to get under the blankets with Mum was the way to go)...laid there and just smiled. 12 weeks today. What a milestone. It just feels so good to be at this stage, and only a week away from the NT scan. It's been a fairly quiet week, just work and resting and doggy walking and chores - it looks like hubby's return from the US will be delayed by a week, but I'm doing fine although missing him.

Went up to my neighbours last night to watch a DVD (Seven Pounds, had a good cry at the end) and to play with her gorgeous 18 month old. We are so lucky in being really good friends with our neighbours - we met them before we even moved into the street, through our dogs at the park, so it's a blessing having them there. Just having someone to talk to, or being able to drop Toby off to play with their dog Kong, while I walk Katie. Or just to hang out on a Friday night for dinner or a movie - with only a minute needed to walk home!

No other real news - saw my naturopath yesterday and he has altered my dosage slightly - that will continue through to sixteen weeks, then taper off and stop around twenty weeks. I wonder how big my tummy will be there - I am certainly showing now. Must get around to taking a belly shot or two!

Next update will be probably a week away after the big scan - am slightly nervous, but not as bad as I thought I might be. Keep your fingers crossed, the prayers coming and those good vibes heading my way :-)

11 weeks and 1 day

2009-07-05T11:03:00.003+12:00

I'm starting to get excited. Each day that passes I feel a little more secure. Even the NT scan in two weeks is not stressing me, I just feel very happy and calm. I'm starting to allow myself to imagine holding this baby, our baby. To having a family, finally, after all these years. It just still feels a little unreal. Maybe when dreams come true that's what it feels like. Like you are being given everything you ever dreamed of, hoped for.

I'm tired. Some days are worse than others, but that does seem to be passing. Some days I can't even bring myself to watch TV in the evenings - I just want to lay down in bed. It's made for some very early nights, and then being awake in the wee small hours. I don't mind that so much - I just rub my tummy and chat to the peanut. I've been lucky enough so far to have very little nausea, but I do wake up very hungry at the moment!

However, I've got a really sore calf and am having physio twice a week - and that is bugging me. Because when I wake up it aches, and keeps me awake. Very annoying, but hopefully that will be fixed up soon.

Hubby is off to the US this afternoon - one week of work, one week of seeing friends and going across the states by train. I'm going to miss him, not least because he is looking after me so well. It will be a very quiet week while he is gone, and then a friend is moving in to stay with us for a while so we will be an interesting household of four cats, two dogs, three adults and a baby bump!

So. Pixxiee Is Pregnant...

2009-07-02T17:37:00.004+12:00

Wow, some lovely old names in my comments list - so glad you guys are still around to share this with me!

So...I found out on the 11th of May I was pregnant. Was feeling very off colour, a bit emotional. And thought surely not? So I did a home test, and sure enough I was. To be honest, I was just gobsmacked. I sat in the toilet and cried.

Went to the doctor the next day and had my first beta test - I've popped the dates down here for posterity (and because my wee notebook is falling apart)

LMP 18th April
Conception 30th April (yeah, yeah!)
Spotting 8th May (implantation?)
BFP 11th May
HCG 111 11th May
HCG 334 14th May
4 weeks - 16th May
HCG 1842 - 18th May
HCG 5850 - 21st May
5 weeks - 23rd May
HCG 21392 - 25th May

On the 27th of May I had my first scan - baby measuring .310 cms and 5wks and 4 days - perfect. Heartbeat of 102

Then, on the 29th of May...on the Friday afternoon of a long weekend, panic. Bleeding, clots...although it had stopped by mid evening. We went to A and E but were told there was a 6-7 hour wait and by then I was just tired, so we went home. We got in for a scan the following Tuesday, and hubby came with me - all was fine, and heartbeat was 128 and baby was measuring a day ahead (6wks 4days).

And then we had our scan last Friday that I have posted the picture of :-)

So...that's you lot up to date! Well, apart from today's first appointment with the specialist - who did a very quick scan and told me that the baby is moving around A LOT and is very "feisty" in her words - and that she believes we have a 95% chance of no miscarriage this time around - even though we aren't quite at the magical 12 weeks yet.

So...Pixxiee is currently 10 weeks and 5 days pregnant - and cannot quite believe it. But is very very happy and excited and somehow very hopeful and calm about this one.

So...Pixxiee is back!!!

2009-06-26T17:23:00.003+12:00

And this is the scan from today. Yes! I am 10 weeks pregnant tomorrow, my own miracle and I can't tell you how happy I am. Scared and nervous, but happy.

Rupert and I watched our baby on the monitor moving, waving those wee arms around. It was so special and we can't wait for the weeks to fly by.

Will post more later about the day I found out, the couple of scares so far along the way...but if anyone out there is still checking in on Pixxiee, just know she is probably the happiest woman in New Zealand right now!

Time to Close

2009-01-18T15:41:00.002+13:00

It's time to close the blog down. I come here...and I get sad. I can't resist reading back through the years. I still read the blogs of those I journeyed with, and I always will. Most of them had happy endings, and I am glad for them. It just isn't going to happen for me - but I promise, if it does, if some miracle comes along, I'll be back blogging. Promise!

I started this blog with such high hopes, and too many disappointments over the years have taken their toll. And really - there just isn't that much to say that anyone would be interested in, particularly not folks who have come here because they are trying to conceive, or are doing IVF, or have had a miscarriage or an ectopic pregnancy. So...it's time to move on. Work is busy, we are enjoying our house, our lives, our animals. We don't quite have it all, but we have a lot to be grateful for.

To those who have been such a support over the years - thank you. To my fellow IF bloggers who have commented, emailed, empathised, and taught me so much - blessings to you all.

It's all good - it's just time to move on. Four years of this struggle, this sadness, is enough. Take care out there internet ppl.

Love and hugs.
Pixxiee

A year gone by...

2008-11-24T17:07:00.002+13:00

A year ago I was newly pregnant. The tests were all good, the beta's were doubling, and hope had arrived back in my life. I really thought it was the end of the journey for us, that a miracle pregnancy would do all that the doctors (and our bank balance) couldn't. Of course it wasn't to be and by the time Christmas arrived the pregnancy was over. Two Christmas losses. Makes you feel a bit scroogelike and humbuggy about the whole darn holiday season...

I've been thinking about it a lot. I've done a lot of healing this year. I needed to. There is still a big part of me that I think will never recover - that I will always carry that grief with me - not just for the loss of that particular possible baby, but the loss of hope finally. And the grief that the future is just not what I thought it was going to be. I feel it every time I play with a friend's kids, every time I see a pregnant woman or hear someone's good news. I wonder if that will fade by the time I am...oh 60?

Over the weekend I read the book "So Close" by Tertia Albertyn. I'd read her blog a few times when I was in IVF and was always astounded by her honesty and bravery. I'd wanted to read her book for a long time. I won't go into the details of her story, but it was long and heartbreaking, but eventually a happy ending with gorgeous boy/girl twins, and I believe another on the way. (see www.tertia.org). But oh, it hurt so much reading it. It brought up all the grief and anger. She talked a lot about her emotions - about being "ok" on the outside while festering inside. It made sense, and it made me realise how much I do that too. Reading that, combined with another anniversary of another loss. Well...I'm a little down. I'll need to work on that more, and work on some kind of final acceptance instead of hoping each month that this might be the one.

On a nice note, I had a surprise visit from my Dad at the office today. Now, my Dad reads my blog, but I am pretty sure he is the only family member who does (on my side of the family anyhow!). It was funny - a while back we had coffee and I had complained you couldn't buy a certain flavour of Uncle Toby's flavoured porridge alone - you had to buy it as part of a mixed pack. So, you have ten sachets but only two of the favourite ones. It really annoyed me. But it cracked me up when Dad came in today with a whole box of my favourites that he had saved me out of his mixed boxes!

Dad and I are getting better at talking to each other. For a long time there were a lot of hurts on my side, and probably on his too - and it took us a while to get past that. In recent years I've felt we are closer than we have ever been - and it's nice. Really nice. My infertility has certainly assisted that - maybe he knew that I needed him when things were tough? Maybe as he has gotten older he's realised that his kids actually do love him (and are lovable themselves)? Or maybe now I am nearly 42 I am more mature, more able to be a friend as well as a daughter? Whatever the reason, he's been a great support. Love ya Dad :-) I have to write this cos I'd never be able to say it!

Dad's had some health problems this year - and though he tells me not to worry, I do. I'm at that age where my parents are having issues - my mother, my father and my stepmother. I'm just really glad that we have found a new place in the past few years where he can tell me, and I can worry, and whatever happens, have no regrets about our relationship.

Other news. Well Toby and Katie have finished their six week dog training course and are much improved, but still a lot of work to be done with them. Especially at a friend's on Saturday night when Toby ate all the strawberries from their garden - yes he loves fruit. Oh and him eating Rupert's mobile phone/PDA. That was not a good day in Toby history. In fitness news, I've done two of the awful beach runs now, managed to miss it last week, but am definately doing another one tomorrow. Am NOT enjoying them. Find myself looking forward to March when the next Run Auckland starts and I can start doing my 10kms with like minded folks who don't all hare off to the finish line in no time at all! You know...walkers. Folks who like to wander rather than sprint.

The garden is really starting to take shape, and I've been waterblasting and staining the decks ready for the summer. I just need a couple more fine weekend days when I am not working! Work is busy. I seem like a broken record at the moment at the office, continually snowed under. But I guess in this market it's better to be busy than sitting on my butt twiddling my thumbs!

Right. Enough of me. Just wanted to get some of that off my chest, and send a hug to my Dad.

Back in the Saddle...

2008-11-05T08:12:00.002+13:00

Ok...confession time. Since the Taupo half marathon back at the beginning of August I have done NO training. I just couldn't get motivated - first I got sick, then I got really busy at work and home, and before I knew it three months had slipped by.

So on Monday I heard about this event at Takapuna beach - a 5km run every Tuesday night for 16 weeks (with a few weeks off over Christmas). Being the impetuous, and slightly stupid person that I am, I immediately signed up for the whole series.

Ha. Last night was the first one - and guess what? There are NO walkers. They are all runners. I came third to last overall, and last in my age group. Hahaha the shame of it. The only good thing is that apparently I can walk faster than some folks can run :-)

But...I am going to think positive. Because it is the same course week in, week out, I should be able to work on my occasional jogging speed, and improve my time from the pathetic 41m 45s to...well...maybe 35m by next March? And the other good thing is that this series leads directly into Run Auckland (where I started my athletics career this year hahaha) and I've already signed up for 5 x 10km races, and 1 x 21km half marathon.

Apart from that, life has been busy. Really busy. I've been doing lots of gardening now the weather has improved, and spent a fantastic weekend waterblasting our deck and staining our outdoor furniture. The garden is starting to take shape a little more, though I have to keep on top of it or I will be back to square one! We've also been taking Katie and Toby to dog training which is having some results. They really are both lovely dogs...just a little naughty at times.

It has been a bit of a juggle the last few months - work has been incredibly busy, and I've been putting in the hours there - add that to weekends in the garden, Rupes being busy himself at work plus training for his half marathon last weekend (1hr 58m, does he rock!), and we've had a fair few social events on too. The most fun one being Abbamania hehe...front row seats upstairs. It was almost like being at an Abba concert.

But...being busy is no excuse for losing all the hard work I had done earlier in the year with my walking/running. So, I'm back to it again, and I shall hold myself accountable to train hard to get that darn time down. Or I shall be too ashamed to turn up again!

Gotta love holidays

2008-09-20T21:08:00.000+12:00

Queenstown was great. Just being away with Rupes for a few days without work, social life, chores, etc was great. We got to hang out...and it was lovely. We had good weather, and made the most of it. We jetboated (scary!), met up with an old mate for dinner (yum), did the gondola and luge (woo hoo) and a trip out to Walter Peak farm on the Earnslaw.

It was just a really really nice time away. And good fun. And we ate and drank wayyyy too much!

Of course, now we're back to reality, both busy at work, and we had a great day in the garden today catching up on all those chores and projects that were on hold due to the lousy weather.

It is nice to be home. Nice to see the dogs and cats again. Oh and our new couch arrived today so that's pretty nice too :-)

Time for a holiday

2008-09-12T13:02:00.002+12:00

It has been such a busy couple of weeks. Rupes and I took a three day break last weekend and spent it demolishing the old fence between us and the neighbours, and building a new one. It was a big job...but the good news is that the new fence now means the dogs pretty much stay in their yard with no escapes! Which will be good news for our neighbours who kindly take our mutts to their place for the day.

Work has been really busy - which is all good, but has meant a few extra hours this week. We were getting ready to leave for work this morning (Friday) for our last days at the office. It was raining (what's new) so I grabbed Toby and we ran out to the carport, where the dogs live on wet days. I forgot the crossbar above the carport gate...and smack! Across the top of my nose, and my right eye and upper cheekbone. Wonderful. Nice bruising, a wee bit of a shiner. What a great start to my day!

Still...one more sleep and we will be winging our way to Queenstown. Very excited, and looking forward to catching up on some sleep, seeing a friend or two, and exploring NZ's own winter wonderland. It will be nice just to hang out with Rupert too - this month marks our tenth year together and our eighth wedding anniversary, so what better way to celebrate that than a nice room at a swanky hotel :-)

Feel the fear...

2008-08-31T19:55:00.002+12:00

I did, and did it anyway! For Rupes' birthday a group of us went out to Woodhill Forest to Tree Adventures. Safety harnesses, clips and pulleys, and a helmet. A short training session and off we went. It was fun. And it was a beautiful day which helped - each of the courses had a variety of challenges, from the ladder up, to the various ways of getting from tree to tree. And then finishing with a flying fox (how did I manage to land on my backside four times in a row?) A few moments of frozen panic and one where I needed Rupes to rescue me (I got stuck and couldn't stretch far enough to grab the next rope). So, good fun and a few tired folks.

In other news, this has been our first fine weekend in months. It was just wonderful to see the sunshine, and I had a few quiet hours in the garden this morning. Much in need of some work and a lot of weeding ahead of me, but it was lovely to be out there and warm.

Aside from that, nothing much else to report. We are off to Queenstown in two weeks for a wee holiday, five days down there, and Rupes' cousin arrives next weekend to stay with us for a while. Should be fun - I hope she likes dogs!

I need some sun...

2008-08-20T09:17:00.002+12:00

Am finally getting better, still an annoying cough, but mostly feeling ok. Get a little tired if I overdo it, so am still trying to take it easy. I am heartily sick of the weather though - this weekend coming will be the 8th in a row where it has rained on a Saturday. The annoying thing is that today is fine with showers, so it would be nice to be out there, rather than at work!

In good news we have had some great nights with the dogs in the garage - Sunday and Monday nights they slept right through. This morning there was a couple of barks at 3.30 am and Rupes went out and brought them inside - but we think that we should have left them as he thought that Toby might just have been dreaming!

Had a lovely night on Saturday for my Dad's 70th birthday - limo ride via my stepsisters house to a really nice restaurant (mmm my dinner was divine) then back in the limo to Dad's place for the surprise desserts and champagne party with their friends. Good fun - happy birthday Dad, you don't look a day over 65! Always fun as I got to hang out with my stepsister's twin girls - 8 years old and an absolute delight. They took great pleasure working off their chocolate rush by beating up Rupert with a few balloons!

Rupes and I are off to Queenstown in September - am very excited as neither of us have been there before. September is our 10 year anniversary, as well as our 8 year wedding anniversary, so we've been looking at lots of websites to decide what to do down there. I'm leaning towards the Shotover Jet, a day in Arrowtown, and perhaps a sightseer day pass on Coronet Peak to play in the snow. Five days away - it's going to be fabulous! We got cheap flights ages ago, and are using our credit card points for accomodation, so I think a couple of treats are in order - maybe a really nice dinner? Lots of wine? Our first holiday in 2 years, which is a very scary thought.

Hope all are well out there in internetland! In the spirit of the Olympics (8 medals so far for New Zealand, go the Kiwis) I thought you might enjoy this video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QQHGnSKJ9d8

On The Mend...

2008-08-12T13:43:00.002+12:00

Ugh, I have been so sick. Thank goodness for the Olympics - at least it gave me something to watch while curled up on the couch feeling sorry for myself. Rupes has been a star, walking the dogs and making me boiled eggs with toast, and generally keeping the house running. I think I am on the mend now though - first day in a week with no headache.

I'm kind of bummed that the only fine day we have had in ages was Sunday - when I was too tired and sick to do anything outside. We have a few busy weekends coming up so hopefully I'll manage to fit in a day or so out in the garden which is in that terrible end of winter state. What a mess.

We've had the dogs sleeping in the garage - they have their own couch out there, and it's pretty nice. Except Katie will bark for anything from 10 minutes to half an hour when she is put out there. It's been a long week - I hate dogs barking, but we really had to tough it out. She is very stubborn - whereas Toby is pretty laid back. The only thing that really upsets Toby is if we take Katie away from him - he hates that! Anyway, last night was the first night where Rupert put them in the garage...and peace! No barking. In fact, one solitary bark at 5am which I think was Toby needing the bathroom. So...progress.

Rupes' cousin Anna is moving in with us in early September, so I was really wanting to get the house into some kind of routine before she comes. And the dogs are a bit demanding and noisy at times. Not to mention the cats. Oh well, she will understand that our house is sometimes just a little chaotic!

Singing The Blues

2008-08-07T18:04:00.003+12:00

I have the flu. I think I might have had the start of it at the Taupo Half Marathon, which might explain my extreme weariness before, during and after the race. I'm headachy, tired, grumpy, snotty and nauseous. And work is really busy, so time off is not really an option.

Auckland has another child - four months old this time - in hospital with non accidental head injuries. Apparently the teenage parents (18 and 19) if I remember correctly, also have older child. And their house is known as a party house, with people coming and going at all hours of the day and night. I'm not going to pre judge them, because frankly I don't know who hurt this baby. But the fact is that our society allows children to be hurt in this way. And at the same time, we support folks who have children who possibly shouldn't be having children. State housing, benefits, unemployment. This country spends a hell of a lot of money on those things.

I'm not advocating that we cut off support for families who need it. What I do think though, is instead of our Child Protection Service being an ambulance at the bottom of the cliff, that EVERY family with young children receiving a benefit must be visited at least monthly. It may not help - it's a worry with the number of children injured or killed where it comes out later that CYFS was already involved. But we have to do something.

And in a personal note - how can our Government then decide that women (like me) who cannot conceive without help do not get that help unless they meet incredibly strict criteria? I sound like a droning old woman, but I've worked since I was 16 years old. Apart from a 2 month stint on ACC after a car accident, I've never received a benefit. Yet, when I did need help to try IVF to possibly have a child - a child we wanted desperately, a child we had planned for and were ready for, that help was not there. All because I had conceived (and lost) a pregnancy (in Nov 04) and under the Government rules I would have to wait three years before qualifying for IVF. But by the time the three years were past, I would be over 40 so excluded on that basis.

Even if I had qualified, I would only be allowed two IVF attempts. And should the first be successful, there is no second attempt. Apparently infertile women in New Zealand are only allowed one child - at least with Government assistance anyway. And with the infertility market in New Zealand being so small - it's a damn expensive process to do privately.

I know I am being grouchy. But I have the flu and I am allowed to be an old bitter grump today. I promise to be back to Miss Perky (or at least Miss Marginally Happier) very shortly. Promise.

Taupo Half Marathon

2008-08-04T17:49:00.002+12:00

It was a merry band of runners, walkers, and supporters down in Taupo over the weekend. We rented a great house (lovely fireplace, big screen tv, slept 10 plus Muzz who had the floor in front of the fireplace). A relaxing Saturday, a lovely dinner and watching the All Blacks thrash Aussie, then an early night.

Sunday. Well, the half marathon started at 9. It rained. It was really really windy. In fact, for folks as slow as me, the last ten kms on the way back to the finish were all against a very cold headwind. At about the 16km point I was so tired I wanted to give up. I had a wee cry and trudged on. Crossed the line in 3hrs 10mins with nothing at all left in me - I even had trouble walking with Rupert back to the car. I spent the afternoon comatose on the bed hehe. But, in fantastic news, Murray beat Rupert and they both beat Lee! So, bragging rights to Murray for the next six months.

We drove back today (Rupes, Murray and I) - stopped off at Huka falls which was beautiful and in full torrent. The power of the water is just amazing.

And, despite being a little sad about what today could have brought, I managed ok. I had a few teary moments, but on the whole I coped. I thought about our baby a little, but then I do that most days. One neat thing about our weekend away was friends brought their six month old - and he is so cute. I had lots of cuddles!

Off to our neighbours for a much needed spa, before an early night. If you hear me mentioning doing a half marathon again, please email and remind me how much I hurt right now!

Deja Vu

2008-07-29T08:07:00.002+12:00

We got hit by a storm on the weekend. The warnings from the weather guys were pretty clear - don't go anywhere unless you absolutely need to, make sure all loose items are away from the wind, open a window on the lee side of the house so you don't lose your roof. We stocked up on candles and gas, and spent a very quiet Saturday watching the wind swirl around the house and wondering if the rotten pine tree on the reserve edge would come down across our roof. Nothing happened. We didn't even lose power.

There is another storm heading towards us now - with torrential rain due today and tomorrow. Oh joy! Hopefully we will come through that one as easily as we did the weekend's storm. We are lucky though - in a reasonably sheltered position and high enough that we won't flood - although Saturday's high tide in our little inlet was the highest we had ever seen. You have to feel sorry for those who did have damage, be it wind or flood related. I am not sure I could cope with the aftermath of a major flood - just heartbreaking.

So, deja vu, another storm. And deja vu, another half marathon this weekend. A group of us have rented a house in Taupo and will head down on Saturday morning, with the half marathon on Sunday morning. I'm taking a long weekend so Rupes and I will head back on the Monday. I'm sort of looking forward to it - it will be fun with the whole gang there, all doing their event their way. Strong competition between the runners, so whoever comes in first will have bragging rights for the Sunday night recovery dinner! As for me, I'll just be concentrating on hopefully beating my time from the last half marathon, and finishing in one piece. Please cross your fingers for decent weather!

In other news, Katie cut her paw quite badly last weekend. So, she spent a night on the bed with me Sunday night so I could keep her from licking her bandage. I didn't get a lot of sleep as Toby had to be there too, and decided that running around the bedroom at midnight with a pair of Rupert's undies was fun. Grrr! Katie had stitches on Monday, while Toby spent the day with our neighbour's dog, so he was worn out from running around, and she was worn out from being sedated. She now has one of those collars so she can't lick her paw - another couple of days and the stitches will come out and we'll be back to normal. Well, what passes for normal in our house anyway!

On the infertility front - hmm wasn't that the original reason for this blog?? Well...there is no news. We've been trying on the appropriate days, but with no result. I think our pregnancy last year was really just a one off miracle. I am almost resigned to the fact that we will never have a baby (not our own anyway). Still a lot of hurt and sadness there, especially with my "due date" coming up on the 4th August. Imagine if the baby had stuck around. I'd be huge by now. And ready to give birth (or have a C). Hard to think about really, and I think I'm going to be a bit sad until the 4th is over.

I Did It!

2008-07-13T17:05:00.002+12:00

It was a beautiful morning. Clear and crisp. The start of the racing today was delayed by about half an hour which made me a little anxious, but soon enough we were off. There were 1350 people walking/running today - doing either the 6km, 10km, or the half marathon.

It was tough. Really tough. Especially heading down to Northhead and seeing all the runners coming back the other way. Nice to see Rupes and Murray near Narrowneck Beach, but after that I was pretty much on my own. I really just put my head down and went as well as I could. I did a little jogging (less as the event and time wore on, and my body wore out). Probably the hardest part was back along Takapuna Beach to the finish line, though going up and around Northhead was pretty tough too.

My aim was to finish in 3hrs 30mins, and not to be last. Even with a very brief toilet stop my time was 2hrs 58mins 38secs. And I wasn't last. So, all in all a good day.

And now I am very tired. Very sore. Everything from the waist down hurts. But I did it - my first half marathon (and quite possibly my last!)

All the friends did well too - Rupes did a personal best of 1.52.50, Murray beat him at 1.52.30, Nicole did the 10km in about 57mins and Cindy in about 55mins. Excellent. And the breakfast almost made up for the pain!

Almost Ready...

2008-07-07T13:55:00.002+12:00

We had a very cold weekend. Snow in places that hadn't seen snow in years - and some really nasty rain/hail downpours. A few of us had been going to meet at Takapuna to do a practice run/walk for next weekend's half marathon, but we all decided to stay home! Had a very lazy day, playing on my computer and organising my Itunes, then friends over for a lovely dinner on Saturday night. Rupes cooked roast pork followed by baked pears - very nice, especially with a couple of glasses of wine!

Sunday morning started off the same way, lazy and cold, but the weather cleared, so I decided to get out there and train. The most I have walked so far is around 12.5kms and I was getting nervous about the half marathon being just days away, so decided to really go for it. 23kms and nearly four hours later I staggered home! The first 15kms or so were actually pretty good, and then my hip started to ache. And it just steadily got sorer and sorer. But, I got through it, didn't give up (not that I could as I had no way of getting home) and am surprisingly ok today, just a bit of soreness, and a general weariness.

Luckily our lovely neighbours invited us over for a spa and roast chicken, so that was really nice - and the spa definately helped ease the aches. The other good thing is that the course I chose to do (for those who know me, I walked from home to work, then around the lake, then back home) was very hilly, in fact about four times as hilly as the actual half marathon race on Sunday.

So the upshot is that barring major accidents, viruses, or training injuries, I am ready for my first half marathon. I'm hoping for a time of around 3 hours 15 minutes and intend to walk most of the way as running/jogging seems to aggravate some of my old injuries. I'm a little nervous, but at least I know I can do the distance, even if the last part of it is a major slog!

Ugh Winter...

2008-06-24T08:53:00.002+12:00

I am definately a summer girl. I hate winter - being cold, the rain, the wet dogs, the muddy garden. I just want to hibernate when the weather turns. Unfortunately, the bad weather arrived on Sunday, just in time for the last 10km race. I also had a cold. I seriously considered staying in bed, but dammit, I'd made a commitment to do the whole series, and do it I would.

It was miserable. It rained heavily on the first lap. I thought about pulling out at the 5km mark, but soldiered on, and completed the 10km in 1hr 23mins. Slower than my best time, but not so bad considering the conditions, my cold, and the course (one nasty uphill and one very nasty downhill, rinse and repeat).

So, now for the big challenges ahead. A half marathon on the 13th July, followed by another half marathon on the 3rd August. I'm going to have a couple more days recovery, both from my sore hip (sciatica anyone?) and the cold, and then do a practice walk this weekend over the course for the 21kms I will be doing on the 13th. I feel the need to do the distance just so I know I can - the race organisers did helpfully tell me that I have just under four hours to complete the actual race!

Other news - Mum is recovering well, and getting bored which is a good sign. Our new lobby tiles look great, and just need grouting and skirting board (base boards for you Americans) finished. I had a few hours in the vege garden last weekend and hopefully we'll have some nice winter treats from that. Toby and Katie are good - though Toby still has a tendency to steal anything he can reach. This morning it was a bunch of ripe bananas! Rupes made Katie a sacking pad to sleep on by sewing three sacks together, in the hope that she wouldn't be tempted to rip them apart. She sleeps on it fine, but come morning, it's fair game and the teeth start work, so it has to be put away during the day!

Choosing your child's gender

2008-06-19T09:52:00.002+12:00

Reading the paper today, I came across a report that said that parents involved in IVF programmes should be able to choose the sex of their child.

http://www.stuff.co.nz/4589190a10.html

When I'd stopped laughing (Imagine being able to choose your baby! Ha! Gee, why didn't the doctors give ME that option?), I checked out the poll the same website is running - asking whether IVF parents should be able to choose the gender. At this moment, the "no's" are leading. Interesting. Is the no vote a "no one should be able to choose the sex" or a backlash against those terrible women who resort to IVF when obviously they weren't "meant" to be mothers? Or the other old opinion that I have heard - IVF is playing God and is wrong! So be infertile and shut up about it!

I don't know of anyone, any blogger, any infertile person who is forced to undergo IVF to conceive a child who really cares what sex that hypothetical child might be. Yes, there are parents who are carriers of certain disorders where the gender choice may be important to ensure the health of the baby, and that's fine. But I believe IVF was NEVER about designer babies, but about helping those who couldn't conceive to at least have a chance. And the ignorance around the whole subject really annoys me. Or maybe I am just a little bit fragile and precious this week? Feel free to tell me if I am.

Anyway, while I am on the subject - I was reading an article in a woman's magazine about a certain celebrity who had IVF treatment. It annoys me intensely when they say "the embryo was implanted into her uterus". Umm no. The embryo is injected into the uterus with the hope that it will attach itself and become a baby. And I wish women's magazines would also get it right - you are NOT pregnant at that stage, and you cannot be confirmed pregnant until 2 weeks have passed and you have a positive pregnancy test.

Right, rant over. In other news, my mother is recovering well from her surgery, though tired and sore. I've left her a pile of DVDs and books to keep her occupied while she recuperates. It was a nice weekend, managed to fit in a 12km walk which actually was pretty good, despite some very amusing policemen who thought that driving alongside me and telling me they were going to book me for speeding was a hilarious thing to do! Otherwise, our last 10km race is this Sunday and then it's the countdown to the first half marathon on July 13th. I'm just a little apprehensive about that - 21km is an awfully long way!

Update...of nothing really

2008-06-11T11:29:00.003+12:00

Well, the big awards night was lots of fun, managed to get about 3 hours sleep before we had to fly back to Auckland. My two co workers (who are both blog readers) were way more naughty than me and stayed out later. Oh to be young, or a party animal again! It really was a nice wee trip though, and nice to see Christchurch - such a pretty city on a crisp sunny day.

Training is going fairly well, though I have struggled to put in the km's in since the last race. Managed about 7.5km last night, plus dog walking, but the old hip is a bit sore so I will be making sure to do good stretching every day to try and ease that out. I'm heading up North this weekend to stay with my Mum who has just had surgery, so that will be a nice break (and where she lives is completely flat so I should be able to get some good walking in).

Otherwise, life is quiet. Been to a couple of movies, out for dinner, watched the All Blacks game against Ireland on TV at a friend's place. All general stuff, and nice stuff but nothing to write home about (or to bore you with on my blog!) Work continues to be busy, so am making the effort to keep up to date with everything so that the unexpected doesn't throw everything out of whack too much.

A friend's wee baby has been in hospital with meningitis - I was so scared and worried when I heard, but the good news is that she has the strain that means no side effects and she will make a complete recovery. I can only imagine how her folks felt - it is such a scary word and conjures up some terrible mental images. Awful. I really feel it when children are hurt or get sick - that's a new thing in the last few years, possibly because I now understand just how precious these little ones are. I'm just so glad she is going to be ok - she is a wee darling with the most beautiful mop of hair!

Next race is on the 22nd of June. It involves a fairly nasty hill, so lots of stretching and hill training will be my goal for the next 10 days. There is a hill near our place that is a killer, and I am almost tempted to walk up and down it a few times each time I train. Ugh. I did say "almost"!

Time to Party!!

2008-05-27T07:04:00.002+12:00

Tomorrow morning, I am flying down to Christchurch with two of my co workers to attend the end of year awards dinner and party. We're all sharing a hotel room, and it's going to be a big night. These are real glamour events, everyone done up to the nines, so we've all had a bit of a stress trying to find something (anything!) to wear. I think we are all sorted now, and ready to get on the plane and go join in the fun. The hard part will be flying home, and coming back to work, the next morning! We may not go to sleep at all, as these things can easily go on till 3 or 4 in the morning :-)

So. Jodi Picoult author talk. She was funny...and very chatty, and I laughed and even got teary a couple of times. What a talent. I can't wait for her next book, and am very glad I went along.

On Sunday the 10km race happened. And I felt good - I did it in 1 hour 16 mins and 44 seconds - so even faster than the flat course 10km event a few weeks ago. And a LOT faster than the 1 hour 34 minutes I walked it in last weekend. I was pretty happy when I crossed the finish line (until I stretched my hip and it all locked up and caused me 15 minutes of agony and embarrassment while the ambulance guy put an ice pack down my shorts!). I have a few twinges in my calf and butt, but nothing like last weekend's pain. Rupes did a great time of 49 minutes, my co worker did it in just under an hour, and Muzz was around 51 minutes. Nicole did the 5km - not sure of the time, but she did great. I have a lot of work to do if I am ever going to catch up to any of them! Oh and I won a spot prize - a very groovy running singlet. I am going to look the part even as I stagger around the course!

Next event isn't till around the 22nd of June - another 10km. And then it's the biggie, the half marathon in July. Scares me thinking about it, although I am pretty sure I can do the distance at a steady pace. And then if that goes ok, another half marathon in Taupo in August. And that's my goals for the year achieved (as far as walking/running goes anyway). So, time to kick up the training a notch from this week on, and start getting some road kms under my belt.

On the infertility front. Nada. A friend of ours had her baby on Friday night, and we went to the mall to get some wee clothes. All was good as we oohed and aahed over the stuff and then I got really emotional. Almost a panic attack - and I couldn't find Rupes (who had wandered off to another section in the store). When he finally came back (it felt like ages, but was probably only 5 minutes) he got a bit of a growling. Poor guy. We popped in to see the new arrival on Sunday and she is just gorgeous, full head of dark hair, wee tiny fingers and very long feet. Just lovely. And surprisingly, that was easier emotionally than standing in the baby section! Go figure.

Ouch! My A**

2008-05-20T08:04:00.002+12:00

After the first 10km race (the nice flat one) I was a little sore, a little tired. But not too bad. So, hubby and I decided it would be a good idea last Saturday for me to walk the route of the next 10km race which is next Sunday. It was a beautiful morning - foggy at our house but clear and fine over in Milford, so off we set. I have to say in advance that I hate hills, and this is a VERY hilly course, but on the advice (ha, I now hate him) of a personal trainer who happens to work where I do, I attacked the hills. As this was pre training only, I walked. No running, no jogging. Just a steady pace, a bit slower on the hills, a bit faster on the flats. Finished in 1 hour 34 minutes, and felt actually pretty good afterwards. He ran a bit further and did around 15km. It's hell being married to Mr Fit!

That night I went out with the "doggy park girls" for dinner, and a few too many wines and shots! Good fun, home at midnight, and though I was a bit stiff it wasn't too bad. Until Sunday morning when I rolled out of bed ready to start my day and cried out in agony. My butt was so sore - down the side and into the hips. I waddled around all day, and Monday was even worse. Today it feels slightly better, after a hot bath, a walk in the park with the dogs, and an hour long spa at our lovely neighbours place.

So, now the question is...as the soreness is easing, do I still go for the 10km race this Sunday? Or cut my distance back to 5km? Or miss this one entirely? I guess it will all depend on how I feel on the day...I really really want to do the 10km just to see what time I can do it in, and maybe with a LOT of stretching afterwards I can avoid the worst of the butt ache!

Other than that, I am very excited to be going to an author talk on Thursday night - one of my absolute favourite writers, Jodi Picoult. If you haven't read anything of hers, go get one (My Sister's Keeper is probably my fave) and curl up in a quiet corner and enjoy. I am really looking forward to hearing what she has to say. Oh, and if you are in New Zealand, make sure you go see "Second Hand Wedding" - a totally Kiwi movie and just lovely. I laughed and I cried.

The big one...

2008-05-11T18:21:00.002+12:00

Yup, today was the 10km fun run/walk. Friends came for dinner (and a bit too much wine) and then stayed the night and we all headed over together. The good thing about the walk was that the course was completely flat. Four laps made up the 10km so it was easy to see your time and how you were doing - and it only rained on the first lap. At the 5km mark I was ready to give it up, but fought the battle in my head and carried on - and at the end of the 7.5km lap Rupes, Liza and Muzz were all cheering me on. So, I finished, and actually ran across the finish line with another girl, and did it in 1 hour 18 minutes or so. I was expecting/planning for 1 hour 30 minutes so not too shabby. Funnily enough, my knee hurt for the first lap or so, and then my hip took over and is still sore now. Thank goodness for lovely neighbours with a spa pool which we made good use of!

I get the feeling I am going to be very tired tomorrow. But, still, it was my longest walk/run ever, and I have two weeks to prepare for the next 10km walk which will be tougher, as it has some nasty hills.

Maybe this is turning into a fitness blog! But...I went shopping and bought some new clothes for work and I have gone down 2 dress sizes! I bought the cutest grey wool dress, and some knee high black boots with a tiny heel, as well as a pair of trousers, a skirt, and some tops. Amazing what a difference it makes having clothes that fit!

Update...kinda

2008-05-07T20:26:00.002+12:00

Ok. Dad mentioned (again!!) that I hadn't been updating. Excuses. Well, it's been pretty stressy at work, I haven't been feeling so great, and while life has been busy, it's not been busy in a very exciting way!

Three 5km fun run/walks under my belt now - not getting any easier, and I have some nasty ligament pain in my knee. Still, I am quietly pleased I have kept up my training (mostly) and managed to finish the first three. But with this knee pain my athletic career could be over before it really begins! This weekend is my first 10km walk, and luckily it is completely flat, so I should be able to handle it. If the knee pain persists I'll have to get some treatment - I think it might be related to my hip being out of alignment, so we shall see how it all goes.

The dogs are doing good, though Katie did a bolt through the open gate on the weekend and it took me half an hour of tramping around the neighbourhood in the pouring rain to recapture her. She really really loves to run away...it's very frustrating. Toby is getting bigger, and mostly has been behaving, if you discount the odd chewed sock/coaster/blanket! They've been having a lot of fun at the park with the other dogs - and Toby is fascinated by a wee puppy that has just joined the group. He's mostly gentle, but sometimes he forgets how big and clumsy he is!

The weather has finally turned after a very long dry summer, and we've had a lot of rain (and discovered a small leak in our roof!) It's gotten cold too, which I hate with a vengeance, but I do enjoy the soup and casseroles this time of year brings. BUT I am trying to be good food wise, as I have managed to lose 10kgs so far this year, so am off on Friday to buy a couple of new skirts for work as mine are all getting a little too baggy.

On the infertility front - nothing. Not pregnant this month, and am still waiting for CYFS to run their next course for fostering so we can at least explore that option. I think I am gradually coming to terms with the realisation that I'm not going to be a mother the natural way, and that our next decision really is going to be either pursuing adoption/fostering or choosing to grow old and grey together in a houseful of animals. There is some sadness in that thought - but maybe I need to start looking at this as an opportunity rather than a burden?

That's me for now. Take care all you folks out in blogland :-)

Fun Running...or is it?

2008-04-04T11:49:00.003+13:00

Well, as per my last post I had hoped for 45 minutes for my first fun run/walk. It was a lovely morning, not too hot, and I was incredibly nervous. There were a lot of people - 1,000 there either doing a 5km or a 10km run or walk - or a little of both. So, the 10km guys took off, Rupes and Muzz amongst them, and Carole and I lined up for the 5km start. And there was the first shock - everyone started RUNNING! Or at the very least jogging...well, what is a girl to do? Jog along with them I guess.

So, in the end I jogged a lot more than I thought I could (mainly to try and keep up with people in front of me, and overtake the odd person just to see how it felt) and came across the finish line at 42.23 minutes. Wow. A personal best! Ok, admittedly, it's not hard to have a personal best when you've never done it before...but it was quite nice beating Carole! Though I suspect she will turn the tables in three weeks at the next Run Auckland event.

I felt pretty good afterwards. Tired, a bit sore, but nothing too major. Rupert on the other hand was shattered, mainly because we stopped at the supermarket on the way home and he shopped while I stayed in the car. And when he returned with the groceries, it was to find that I had flattened the battery (in my defence, I was listening to the radio, and didn't realise the air con was on as well!) He then had to run 4kms home to get his car and come back to jump start mine!
Rupes did his 10kms in 55 minutes, and Murray was just behind him, so they did pretty well.

So, when my co worker Cindy said to me earlier today that we should do the Devonport Classic 5km run/walk this weekend I got all enthusiastic. And entered. So she is going to run it, and I am going to walk/jog it. Oh dear, is this the start of something addictive?

I See Red, I See Red, I See Red!

2008-03-29T13:32:00.002+13:00

I've had a couple of complaints about my blog being very quiet. That's probably because life is pretty quiet right now! With our financial year end coming up (Monday argh!) I have been working pretty hard on getting everything ready, up to date, and issues sorted out. Apart from that, there has been a good amount of time spent in the garden, which is progressing fairly well, and a bit of time on the treadmill training up for tomorrow's first run/walk. I did the course last weekend with Rupes just to make sure I actually could walk 5kms on that track, and finished in a time of 48m 22s - we took a wee wrong turn so that was actually about 5.3kms. I'm hoping for around 45m tomorrow at the first race, but we shall see. The weather isn't looking too great, so I am not sure how much it will slow me down to walk in the rain!

And I See Red! Nope, I'm not angry...but we went to see Split Enz in concert last night with some friends. What a great night - I had forgotten how many awesome songs they had. If you're not familiar with the band, try downloading some of their music - it's all good! And it has been so long since I've been to a concert, I must do it more often. Really really fun. Something about seeing a live performance that just makes you wanna rock!

On the ferry trip home last night, I ran into an old friend - I probably haven't seen her in 15 years, and she'd had a few drinks so was probably a little more open than she would have been otherwise. We had a chat, and I asked her how she was, and she pretty much burst into tears and told me that life was awful and that's she'd just had a miscarriage and was giving up on having babies. I nodded, and told her that I'd a miscarriage too recently. She almost begged for us to get together for coffee soon. She is really hurting, and it hurt to see it - I am so lucky with the friends and family around me who allow me to talk out my pain, or at least understand when I am feeling down. It does help. I wonder who she has to talk to...I guess me for a start now.

It's a strange thing, this infertility. I have moments of sadness still, of course. But right now, I am focussed on my goals - my job and the busy time ahead, my walking/running and the first challenge tomorrow, and working/improving around home. Add to that some really good social time with friends lately and my mood is pretty good. But always, at the back of my mind, is the thought "is this all there will ever be?" I guess I am going to have to learn to reconcile the life I have now (which I do love) with the dreams of a child, and perhaps finally come to the realisation that life CAN be good like this. Without a baby, a child. I know it can - I have friends who have made that adjustment (both willingly and unwillingly) and I think I need to work on acceptance.

That's pretty much it from me. Toby and Katie are doing fine, Toby is growing daily, and his behaviour is improving (slowly, but improving!) Katie is great apart from her occasional escapes from the park to play in the tidal mud. I am resorting to taking treats to the park whenever I can so she gets the idea of "come" meaning come to me, not run the other way!

Oh. And Hi Dad! My dad reads my blog - which is quite funny in a way - but it's all good too :-) He's probably learned far more than he ever wanted to about his daughter and her infertile adventures!

Travels and Stuff...

2008-02-17T08:34:00.003+13:00

We've just got back from six days in Surfers Paradise - I was there for a work conference, and hubby came too for a wee holiday. It was nice having him there - I've gone alone (apart from work colleagues) the last two years. We had one day by the pool, and one at Movie World before the sessions kicked in. A good mate moved into our place to look after the dogs and cats - much appreciated!

Next Friday we are off to Christchurch for a long weekend. It's my birthday, and I got some really cheap fares, so we are going to have one night in Hanmer Springs, and one night in Akaroa visiting the in laws. Really looking forward to it as I have always wanted to go to Hanmer, and I figure if I have to turn 41 I might as well do it in a place I want to be!

Got my "AF" just as we arrived home from Aussie, so not pregnant this month. The doctor has given us the go ahead to try again, though she wants one more HCG blood test done to make sure I am back to normality. I'll do that tomorrow. I wasn't disappointed - I've decided I definately do know (and really early) when I do fall pregnant, so until (and if) I start having those symptoms, I just won't think about it. It's odd, and sad, to think if I hadn't miscarried I would be over three months by now. I wish I still was pregnant. I really do. That sadness hasn't gone away very much at all.

And in the TMI department, my tummy bug is still with me. And the gastro has led to lactose intolerance. So, am being very careful what I eat, trying to make sure I get enough rest/exercise/good food, and waiting for it all to resolve itself. Annoying, but I am feeling well mostly, and am off for a day in the garden. Plus the embarrassing errand of returning a book to the library that Toby liked so much he chewed it to bits! Grrr!

On the plus side, Toby is completely recovered from his abcess surgery, and is back to his normal self. Minus his balls of course :-) Katie is doing good too, and we had to laugh yesterday - Toby is not a strong swimmer yet, so his new trick is to grab hold of Katie's neck or collar as she swims off. They went quite a way yesterday before Katie managed to dislodge him!

Blast from the Past

2008-02-02T10:54:00.000+13:00

When I was 12 and 13 I had a penpal named Carlos, who lived in Sao Paulo Brazil. I found him on the internet recently and we've been emailing back and forth.

Today's bonus? He emailed copies of some of my letters - complete with pretty pictures. I never knew I was so artistic! And so serious! I must have a dig through my "letter box" to see if I have any of his - I remember them as being absolutely beautifully decorated, and his English wasn't very good, so our letters became a case of him teaching me a little Japanese (I was learning at school) and me correcting his English!

Hehe...I wonder if folks still have penpals in this electronic age?

My doctor...

2008-01-29T18:48:00.000+13:00

I had an appointment to see my doc today. Mainly because last Monday I fainted at work, and fainted again when hubby picked me up and took me to the hospital - in fact, I managed to crumple right in front of the admitting man who was suitably impressed and got me a wheelchair right away. After a long long day the diagnosis was low blood pressure due to dehydration - due to this gastro bug I've been dealing with for ages. Over six weeks! Admittedly on and off, but it hasn't been very pleasant. The only upside is that I have lost 5 or 6 kilos! I am feeling a little better, and managed an hour on the treadmill tonight with no problem, so fingers crossed it's on it's way out!

Dr M, my doctor, definately has a way about her. She is so calm and sympathetic, but very real at the same time. She talked to me about how sorry she was about the miscarriage, about how impressed she was that whenever she spoke to me I was positive and well informed. And how she thought I was very brave. She commented that a surprise pregnancy, coming so soon after we had decided to stop trying, which then ended in miscarriage had to hurt a lot. We talked a bit about how people, unless they have been through it, just find it hard to understand the grief. Of course I cried, and she gave me a hug (whilst examining my boobs for my pre mammogram check) - we also had a good talk about trying again. Her advice was to go for it. So we shall. Back to the date diary!

In other news, Toby has a large abcess on his neck. Poor wee fella, it doesn't seem to be bothering him much but the antibiotics haven't made much of an impact so we have an appointment tomorrow and it looks like they will operate on Thursday or Friday. Luckily they can also do his neutering and microchip at the same time, so hopefully he will be all recovered soon. We are off to Surfers Paradise on the 9th of Feb - me for a work conference (tho we are going a bit early so Rupes and I can go theme parking for a day!) and Rupes is coming along as the spouse! Thanks to Muzz for house/cat/dog/garden sitting for us :-)