A year gone by...
A year ago I was newly pregnant. The tests were all good, the beta's were doubling, and hope had arrived back in my life. I really thought it was the end of the journey for us, that a miracle pregnancy would do all that the doctors (and our bank balance) couldn't. Of course it wasn't to be and by the time Christmas arrived the pregnancy was over. Two Christmas losses. Makes you feel a bit scroogelike and humbuggy about the whole darn holiday season...
I've been thinking about it a lot. I've done a lot of healing this year. I needed to. There is still a big part of me that I think will never recover - that I will always carry that grief with me - not just for the loss of that particular possible baby, but the loss of hope finally. And the grief that the future is just not what I thought it was going to be. I feel it every time I play with a friend's kids, every time I see a pregnant woman or hear someone's good news. I wonder if that will fade by the time I am...oh 60?
Over the weekend I read the book "So Close" by Tertia Albertyn. I'd read her blog a few times when I was in IVF and was always astounded by her honesty and bravery. I'd wanted to read her book for a long time. I won't go into the details of her story, but it was long and heartbreaking, but eventually a happy ending with gorgeous boy/girl twins, and I believe another on the way. (see www.tertia.org). But oh, it hurt so much reading it. It brought up all the grief and anger. She talked a lot about her emotions - about being "ok" on the outside while festering inside. It made sense, and it made me realise how much I do that too. Reading that, combined with another anniversary of another loss. Well...I'm a little down. I'll need to work on that more, and work on some kind of final acceptance instead of hoping each month that this might be the one.
On a nice note, I had a surprise visit from my Dad at the office today. Now, my Dad reads my blog, but I am pretty sure he is the only family member who does (on my side of the family anyhow!). It was funny - a while back we had coffee and I had complained you couldn't buy a certain flavour of Uncle Toby's flavoured porridge alone - you had to buy it as part of a mixed pack. So, you have ten sachets but only two of the favourite ones. It really annoyed me. But it cracked me up when Dad came in today with a whole box of my favourites that he had saved me out of his mixed boxes!
Dad and I are getting better at talking to each other. For a long time there were a lot of hurts on my side, and probably on his too - and it took us a while to get past that. In recent years I've felt we are closer than we have ever been - and it's nice. Really nice. My infertility has certainly assisted that - maybe he knew that I needed him when things were tough? Maybe as he has gotten older he's realised that his kids actually do love him (and are lovable themselves)? Or maybe now I am nearly 42 I am more mature, more able to be a friend as well as a daughter? Whatever the reason, he's been a great support. Love ya Dad :-) I have to write this cos I'd never be able to say it!
Dad's had some health problems this year - and though he tells me not to worry, I do. I'm at that age where my parents are having issues - my mother, my father and my stepmother. I'm just really glad that we have found a new place in the past few years where he can tell me, and I can worry, and whatever happens, have no regrets about our relationship.
Other news. Well Toby and Katie have finished their six week dog training course and are much improved, but still a lot of work to be done with them. Especially at a friend's on Saturday night when Toby ate all the strawberries from their garden - yes he loves fruit. Oh and him eating Rupert's mobile phone/PDA. That was not a good day in Toby history. In fitness news, I've done two of the awful beach runs now, managed to miss it last week, but am definately doing another one tomorrow. Am NOT enjoying them. Find myself looking forward to March when the next Run Auckland starts and I can start doing my 10kms with like minded folks who don't all hare off to the finish line in no time at all! You know...walkers. Folks who like to wander rather than sprint.
The garden is really starting to take shape, and I've been waterblasting and staining the decks ready for the summer. I just need a couple more fine weekend days when I am not working! Work is busy. I seem like a broken record at the moment at the office, continually snowed under. But I guess in this market it's better to be busy than sitting on my butt twiddling my thumbs!
Right. Enough of me. Just wanted to get some of that off my chest, and send a hug to my Dad.