This is going to be a self indulgent ramble - but I always find writing my thoughts out to be therapeutic - so bear with me, or ignore this post.
Why does the decision not to do another IVF procedure hurt so much? I think because rationally, I can see why it's not worth going ahead, but in my heart I will be losing so much that I had hoped for.
The positive pregnancy test. Watching my belly swell. Morning sickness! My husband's face at the scan when we see the heartbeat. Him feeling the first fluttering movement. Stretchmarks! The scan where we see the face. Giving birth - drug free of course, until it hurts too much. DH holding OUR baby for the very first time. Breastfeeding, nappy changes, cuddling. Picking out our features in the baby's face. Watching the grandparents fall in love with their grandchild. Having aunties and uncles and friends coo over the baby. Watching him or her grow and seeing "our" personality and traits appear.
Those things won't happen, unless a miracle occurs and my right ovary suddenly returns to life, or my left fallopian tube heals itself. And therein lies the grief. That the journey for our OWN child is over. And I know that acknowledging that grief is important before I (we) can move on.
I know that any possible future child, even though not of "our" bodies, will be loved, no matter where he/she has come from. And I know that if we are given the gift of a child, there will be a whole new set of dreams and hopes attached to him or her. So, let me cry, let me grieve, let me mourn, let me list my regrets. It's all healing and time now.
We are booked on the next caregivers course due to start in late September, early October, with a view to being "Permanent Placement" parents to a child who needs a home.